On pain and others~*

[Note: I came back here because it is still a safe haven for me (besides my mind, which is cluttered and not exactly the best place to be at this point). 

It's like talking to an old friend who smiles gently and nods empathetically while I pour out my emotions in vague expressions... no need for specifics.]

0.25. 

Crimson, sapphire, olive, brown, mustard, beige, black... 

I never knew that we could attach colours to the intensity and quality of pain. 

That day, 

I saw kaleidoscopes of colours. 

They appeared all at once in a brief moment, 

then grew, and faded, 

came and went...

 

leaving streaks and swirls of different combinations of colours

with different accompanying emotions. 

The sharp pain & panic

The dull ache & sadness 

Alternated, oscillated...

Everything else retreated further and further... 

as my heart silently broke into millions of pieces of different colours. 

It must have been a truly magnificent sight. 

How beautiful. 

How melancholic. 

How heartrending.

And I knew then, 

that this is what pain for a loved one looks and feels like... 

0.50.

When something as devastating as this happens, 

you realise that 

... nothing else really matters. 

It quickly puts things in perspective, and makes you question your very fundamental beliefs about life, your pursuits in life, and your so-called priorities that suddenly seem utterly self-centered, trivial and meaningless... 

I'd do anything, anything at all

to take your place and bear your pain. 

Anything at all... 

0.75. A pile of dead bodies

On a long bus ride home, a strange imagery came to mind:

I was jogging along the running track, blissfully oblivious to everything that was happening around me.
But something prompted me to look back, and when I did,

a pile of dead bodies greeted me.

Who have I left behind?
What have I left behind?
What have I killed, hurt, and abandoned?

Who was left struggling to catch up but was never able to?

At that moment, I realised that,
when we talk about making sacrifices in our pursuit of...xxx
we're often referring to people whom we could "sacrifice".

And more often than not, these are the very people who would try their utmost to catch up with us.

What have I done...? 
What have you done...?

For me, the moment that prompted me to look back was a painful one - at the cost of someone's happiness and health.

And I wonder why I've always needed that jolt of pain to wake me up from oblivion.

I need to wake up. 

0.9. 

Sometimes I wonder how much anguish and sadness one's heart (mind) can take before it succumbs to the exhaustion, hurt and the injuries... 

"Sorry, human, I'm done trying." 

flatline-d. 

"Maybe it's for the best." 

~*~*

[The rest of the content is all over the place, written before the aforementioned incident happened. Again, the points were written at different time points. Hence, they may seem incoherent.

Then again, that's probably what defines me too.]

1.
C O M P A R T M E N T A L I S E

Y O U R

H E A R T

I've slowly come to realise how essential this skill is.

And it's not the same as dissociation.

You're present, it's just that, that you isn't this you, isn't that you, isn't this you.

Although you might run into difficulties trying to find something unifying to explain all the yous across contexts, it provides protection for the other yous that are hidden away.

Why hide, one may wonder.

Why hide, I wonder.


2. Quiet.

If I were to highlight anything remotely positive about covid, it would be the tranquility that CB afforded us (me).

For the first time in a long while, I was able to hear my own voice and thoughts, uncontaminated by the noise of the outside physical world.

But of course, it got even noisier in the virtual world.

Anyhow, it made me realise how redundant and unnecessary some of the noises had been.

Did we really need to vocalise our thoughts? 
Did we really need to shout into one another's ears? 

There are always so many distractions around us that hinder or prevent us from introspecting and thinking about things that really matter.

But, maybe distractions are exactly what some of us really need.

Without them, we're naked, vulnerable, raw.

Painful to see, touch, feel.

It's too quiet. 


3. Plague Inc.

I enjoyed playing this game tremendously. It was fun strategizing ways to infect the world.

But I could never imagine it happening in real life.

It was like a plot out of some doomsday movie.

A movie you never expected to be a part of.


Enough said. 


30.

A milestone year.
Yet, strangely enough, it's also the year where I've been standing utterly still.

Not an inch.

In this strange year, time has taken on a bizarre quality - it's seemingly expanding and contracting at the same time.

Have I been left behind, 

or have I made the choice to be left behind? 

No matter, 

it has also opened my eyes to the truly essential things in life, 

and reminded me of the weight of being 30. 

I hope with age, comes not only wisdom (that I sorely lack), but also resilience, and a less hollow heart. 

Most importantly, the strength to fight battles alongside my loved ones. 

To a stronger 30yo self. 

Good place~*

It has been so long.
I feel like I can no longer write the way I used to.

1. Something unchanging.
I believe that these things do exist - the constants in our lives.
Constant not in a physical or material sense, but in an abstract, intangible way.
Simply put, the effect they have on us is the constant.

Some people are just able to warm your heart, calm your anxieties, anchor you down, and make your heart feel full again.
Effortlessly.
Simply by being.

And this remains constant across time and contexts.

Grateful for the constants in this ever-changing world which gets increasingly complex by the second.


2. Voids
Surely voids exist in all of us. What differs is probably the extent of the void.

Regardless, how do you fill it up?
Do you distract yourself with work - fill yourself up with material things, the tangibles?
Or do you seek companionship?
Or do you choose to get absorbed into the virtual world?

How do voids grow?
They all stem from the lack of something.
And that gaping hole allows other things to slowly slip away.

Then before you know it, it swallows you whole.


3. Thoroughness
As I pondered about things that happened, I felt awed by my ability to forget some things rather thoroughly.

As if things were just "if"s...

Very cleanly,
very thoroughly.

And I figured that that's how you decide what's yours to keep and what's not.


4. Well wishes
Oftentimes, the want for someone else to be happy hurts.
It's so strong, yet fragile at the same time.


5. Out of control 
I marvel at our strength and our incapability to make things happen.

People who know me well enough know that it's difficult for me to lose my locus of control. As such, when things are seemingly out of control, I have an even greater need for control.

And I get disheartened.


6. Dark side
Am I really one who inclines towards the dark side?
Or is it simply that the concept of dark side is irrelevant to me?
That "dark" is simply a part of being whole.
Therefore, it doesn't really matter?

I know what I'm capable of.
I know I can see the goodness in life and situations (admittedly, it could be damn difficult sometimes).

Maybe it's not wrong to embrace both, and to see no distinction in them.
Life and death, beauty and destruction etc.
All are necessary.


7. Good place
There's yuuki, and now there's miyu. (together, they form "miyu(u)ki" - something meaningful to me)

There are people I love, and people who love me.

There's
good food (stopover, teppei, maki-san, GC brown sugar black tea)
good games (FFXV!!!!!!! FFX! Dynasty warriors!)
good music (the brilliant green, utada, Radwimps (because of Your Name), ryuichi sakamoto)
good shows (one punch man, future diary, sakamoto desu ga, mob psycho 100)
good thoughts,
good feelings.

I feel like I'm in a good place.


And I hope the same for you.

Iroiro~*

1. Kotoba

"..."

For every word that's spoken, there are many unspoken ones.

Listen to those,
and try to understand,
why they were not (and will never be) spoken.


2. Kioku

"It feels very lonely to be the only one who remembers, no?"

I used to think that it's extremely difficult to hold on to them alone.
It magnifies your loneliness, and stagnancy.
For you're the only one who's tracing the past, pacing hesitantly in circles, desperately protecting something...

But,
I think that there are some things worth protecting.
And I will do so,

even if it entails making certain sacrifices.


3. Jikan

"If you could send a message to your past self, would you send one? If so, what would you send?" (inspired by Steins; Gate)

Would you?

I'm sure most of us have secret wishes to alter certain parts of our lives.

I'm no exception.

But,
alterations may have many unintended consequences.

Are you willing to take the risk?

Steins; Gate provided a pretty interesting theory that goes - for every alteration you make, the world line splits, and events that unfold thereafter in the new world line will change accordingly. In other words, while you continue living in the new world line (with an altered past), there's another you in the old world line(s) living with the past unaltered.

Essentially, what it means is, you may be able to escape your present, by altering the past.

Do you wish to escape this current world line?


4. Sonzai

"You're very, very real!"

As real as we can ever get, perhaps.


5. Omoi

"We can't live in our heads all the time." 

(inspired by 'City', by Alessendro Baricco - brilliant book, albeit a bit too chim for me)
Thoughts, feelings, desires need to be expressed.
But by expressing them, we're reducing them from something close to infinity, to mere points, sentences, statements.

While we may be able to capture the essence of the thoughts and feelings, there's so much more lost in translation - the beauty and elegance of ideas that are NOT the essence... if you get what I mean.

And with that, it makes a nice link to pt 1.


6.  Iroiro (the best part)

"All the wu eh bo eh..."

a) Yu(u)ki was desexed, and subjected to the humiliation of wearing a customised pair of panties / shorts to protect her incision from her tongue / paws / teeth. Poor girl...

It provided our family with a great source of amusement. Sorry girl, but you're too hilarious.

b) Have been watching animes fervently - Another (horror), Zankyou no Terror (crime thriller - it's DAMN GOOD), Steins; Gate (sci-fi). All are great anime series, but, Zankyou no Terror (Terror in Resonance) really resonated with me (ha!). Hauntingly good.

c) Motivation is dwindling... in various aspects.

d) Jan feels like Sep - I'm that tired.

e) Went back to read old entries - sometimes, you may succeed at deceiving yourself that you're time-travelling.


In retrospect,
despite all the depressing and pessimistic thoughts,

life was beautiful then.

Plainly~*

With every breath of peppermint...

Friends are complaining that they cannot make sense of my posts (to be honest, I was pretty amazed that people are still reading my entries...).
So I shall write more plainly from time to time.

In the nutshell,

1. I PASSED THE 4-HOUR-LONG INDUCTION TEST, at the expense of billions of brain cells. Learning point - DO NOT PUT OFF DOING THE TEST. Do it when everything is still fresh in your mind. Taking it nearly a year later makes the whole process extremely painful.

2. The Sushi Bar is damn gooooood - I can almost taste the hotate mentaiyaki now.... (shall post some pictures when I'm feeling less lazy). Friday lunches are awesome :)

3. Bought 2 novels on impulse from Book Depository... The prices are just too irresistible!

4. I'm going to collect all Murakami's novels (this explains point 2). In the past, being a poor student, all I could do was borrow his novels from the library. Well, not that I'm anymore richer, but I guess that's how I reward myself after weeks of hard work.

5. Hard work, yeah. The past few weeks have left me feeling absolutely squeezed dry. So much mental acrobat... and yet, I wonder if I'm making any visible progress.

6. Still struggling about the cello thing... Finally brought this up to mum and she just said very casually, "when you look for cello classes, please help me find guzheng classes.".......... hmm, okay, cool.

7. Colleagues have been talking about MBTI profiles and I can still remember how I used to be INFJ. Pretty curious to know whether it has changed. Though I'm nearly 100% certain I'm still an 'I' (introvert).

Have always thought that I would find it difficult to be around 'E's, but it turns out that some of the people closest to me are 'E's. You see, they are able to pull me out of my shell and open my eyes to many, many lovely things in the world that I would've shut out... and inject in my life colours that wouldn't have entered my life (but I'm still a pretty monochromatic person, heh).

8. Have been having weird dreams. Well, if they are supposed to mean something, I have no idea what... and they probably mean something pretty far-fetched. Tell me about it, Freud & Jung. 

9. I need a break soon. Just to put everything aside and clear my mind completely... Right now, it's pretty scrambled.

10. My current earworm.

I turn the music up, I got my records on 
I shut the world outside until the lights come on 
Maybe the streets alight, maybe the trees are gone 
But I feel my heart start beating to my favorite song

As we soar walls 
Every siren is a symphony 
And every tear's a waterfall

-Every Teardrop is a Waterfall, Coldplay


A pretty good acoustic cover of the song.



2CELLOS!
Looks a bit awkward, but they're awesome nonetheless.




With every breath of peppermint...
I feel that I can carry on.

Midnight sun~*

Beautiful notes, steady rhythm.
In waves
Everything in perfect harmony.

Words,
Spoken not by us,
Lingered in the densely humid air.

In the darkness.
We reached for each other.
The way we usually do.

Longing, yearning.
We advanced, halted, retreated.
Ebbed and flowed.
Came and went.

The poignancy,
the quiet beauty,
the soft curves amid the sharp edges.

Time slowed and came to a standstill.
Silence hung in the air.
Comfortable, and serene.
We sat and watched in silence.

The setting midnight sun.

There was no need for words.
There never was.

~*~*~*~*

So much poignancy, indeed.

No, I guess it's more like wistfulness.

Anyhow, I really, really envy (some) poets and writers and lyricists.
Writing not just a chain of alphabets put together to form something called words, but portraying something so intimately connected to us in one way or another;
something that can strike a chord, tug at your heartstrings;
something that heals, or dig at old wounds, and stir emotions you hadn't known you possessed.

Recently, I came across some excerpts of poems written by Pablo Neruda, the Chilean poet.

THIS.

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz, 

or arrow of carnations that propagate fire: 

I love you as one loves certain obscure things, 

secretly, between the shadow and the soul. 

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom but carries 

the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself, 

and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose 

from the earth lives dimly in my body. 

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, 

I love you directly without problems or pride: 

I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love, 

except in this form in which I am not nor are you, 

so close that your hand upon my chest is mine, 

so close that your eyes close with my dreams.

- Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets XVII

source 

~*~*~*

Somehow, I'd managed to survive the past week - it was an intense and difficult week.

Being alone in the office when it's all dark outside is not fun.
Me and my inefficiency, and that stubbornness...

So, what are the things / who are the people who keep your sanity in check?

Thank you.

~*~*~*

Cello.
Should I, or should I not?

~*~*~*

A new set of challenges await.

Here & There~*

1. Fragility.

Here at this instant, gone in the next.
The heart is pumping... but everything stops someday.

2. Antithesis.

Having seen the bright lights of the day doesn't make you anymore knowledgeable about the depth of darkness at night.

3. Intensity.

Love so hard until it hurts.

3.5. Somewhere in Between. 

Sights, sounds, smells... all blended together with the night.

The nights which oscillated between dream and reality...

Let's hold hands and gaze at the moon... 

It would be such a beautiful sight...
so beautiful that my heart would ache and I would cry. 

4. Tranquility.

Hualien, you're so beautiful.

Taroko Gorge

When everything is in balance and you're suddenly at ease with yourself.

Sunset at Fisherman's Wharf (Taipei)

Fisherman's Wharf (Taipei)

 It doesn't take much to achieve that tranquility... yet.

5. Quiet Room.

Retreated into the quiet room, and curled up on the soft and velvety maroon coloured armchair.

So comfortable,
too comfortable.

The door is closed, and you're not ready to open it.
But you're afraid that you might never be ready to open it...

What are you afraid of, really...? 

6. Chrysalis 

Stop hiding.

7. MH.

"Wait! Let me take a photo of this!" 

This ad occupied an entire wall (Page One at Taipei)

"How long must I wait for the English translation.........."

Still cannot get over how long the title is.

8. Her.

Maybe she isn't that kind of girl to begin with...
that kind of girl.

maybe it isn't because she's not trying hard enough,
but because she no longer understands why she needs to try to become someone else.

Wrapped in thought (...ok that's quite lame)

9. Happy Lunar New Year.

It has been a pretty strange lunar new year so far... 

Out of ordinary I guess..

But anyway, it's still a much needed break from work (hell will be unleashed starting from tomorrow), and also a good opportunity to spend more time with my family.

Also, I do hope that she will get well soon...!!! 

It pains me to see young children get very sick... (Totally reminds me of Pediatric Psych...) 

So people, do take care of your health!! 

On a related note, it's time to DETOX (mind and body)!!!! 

The problematic being~*

source

Tinkling softly. 

"As long as there's such thing as time, everybody's damaged in the end, changed into something else. It always happens, sooner or later."

"But even if that happens, you've got to have a place you can retrace your steps to."

"A place you can retrace your steps to?"

"A place that's worth coming back to."

...

"When I was 15," Miss Saeki says with a smile, "all I wanted was to go off to some other world, a place beyond anybody's reach. A place beyond the flow of time."

"But there's no place like that in this world."

"Exactly. Which is why I'm living here, in this world where things are forever being damaged, where the heart is fickle, where time flows past without a break."

- Murakami Haruki, Kafka on the Shore

Happy sigh.

Such beautiful things that he writes. 

Discontented sigh.

I can't read in Japanese... I bet the words are even more elegant in Japanese. 

On a sidenote, 

Murakami is being named as the most likely author to clinch this year's Nobel Prize for Literature (AGAIN. I reckon I've written that sentence many, many times! Nevertheless, I'm still feeling excited for him.). 

And I'm also waiting patiently for his new novel 'Colourless Tasaki Tsukuru and the Year of His Pilgrimage' to be translated to English.

Oh, and Ruth Ozeki's 'A Tale for the Time Being' (yes, the one I kept raving on in some of my recent entries) was also nominated for Man Booker Prize! 

T's lovely birthday presents for me :)
Murakami & Ozeki heh

~*~*~*

"Life is funny."

I've heard this comment many times, said/muttered by different people. 

Because there's simply no way to anticipate what's going to happen next,

the oddest, most peculiar and remarkable incidents occur...

While some discoveries can be really awesome, others are just plain awful. 

B told me that she doesn't really plan very far ahead... because it's usually pointless.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow? 

Indeed, who knows?

Do you? 

The people who enter your life suddenly.

The unplanned occurrences.

The spontaneous things we do, on impulse. 

So interesting.

Yet.

There's a subtle sense of loneliness when the euphoria subsides... 

~*~*~*

Your angel-demon.

Half angel, half demon.

"I can relate to that. We're all like that."

With half of my face hidden in the shadows. 

Somehow, I'm reminded of the

Comedy and Tragedy masks.

~*~*~* 

X introduced me to Ingrid Michaelson.

I've heard of her for some time, but haven't gotten round to listen to her songs.

Now that I've done that,

I'm hooked.

~*~*~*

Something pristine. 

Absolutely untouched, pure and perfect. 

Something you will want to protect.

As opposed to a tainted, damaged entity. 

A messy footpath; a canvas covered with angry streaks. 

"It doesn't matter how I treat him/her because he/she is probably damaged beyond repair."

Do you say this to yourself? 

People don't usually like ugly things, do they?

~*~*~*
Went back to listen to Mindy Gledhll...

Always overwhelmed with emotions when I listen to this song.
Resonates so deeply with me..

I'm a feather in the wind 

I'm up and then I'm down again 

and all the places I have been 

to heavens gate and 'round the bend 

Things are never what 

They appear to be 

'Cause everybody's trying to grab a hold of me 

So catch me if you can 

Set me free again 

Like a feather in the wind 

I'm a reflection in the glass 

'Cause I cant keep from looking back 

And all the pages that I lack 

Are stuck inside a broken past 

Things are never what 

They appear to be 

So I'll dig a little deeper 

Than what the eye can see

And if anybody asks 

Making friends at last 

With my reflection in the glass 

I'm softer than a bride in white 

But I'm tough enough to fight my own fight 

Sometimes higher than a quivering kite 

More lowly than a beggars plight 

Like a fire in the night 

I'm burnin up with all my might 

Don't wanna flicker out of sight 

Fade into the morning light 

Things are never what 

They appear to be 

Cause only time will tell when I'm ashes at your feet 

So when I'm burnin bright 

Let me be your light 

Like a fire in the night

Things are never what 

They appear to be 

So many different pieces 

Make up the whole of me 

So hold me in your hands 

Take me as I am 

'Cause I'm a feather 

I'm a reflection 

I'm a fire in your direction 

I'm unruly 

I'm undone 

So just love me as I come

- Mindy Gledhill, Feather in the Wind

Will you still love someone who's tainted in her own ways...? 

Fundamentally flawed. 

~*~*~*

Reflections. Directions. 

I was riding in a train one morning.
As the train was horribly packed, I was forced to a corner, facing the glass next to the door (awkward position, I know).
Being really bored (no space to even reach for my phone or read my book), I busied myself by staring at the passing scenery reflected on the glass.

It's fascinating.
Because if you stare at it long and hard enough, you can actually deceive yourself into believing that the train is travelling in the opposite direction.

So where are you heading towards, really?

~*~*~*

It's a gift to possess a simple and straightforward way of thinking.

Always go with the simplest, most parsimonious way of explanation - Occam's Razor.

If you're not good enough, you're not good enough. 

~*~*~*

There are words stuck in my throat, and at my fingertips.

Some things just cannot be verbalised and concretised.
Because when they do, they just don't seem to make much sense.

I can be irrational at times.
Rationalising things in my own way, comforting myself, deceiving myself.

Self-defense mechanism.
One of the ineffective kinds.

~*~*~*

Negative as I am,
I won't forget to count my blessings.

Lost as I am,
there are still people there to anchor me, to guide me, to make me smile, and make me feel sane, amidst all the insanity going on around me...

I'm grateful.

Thank you all (you know who you are).

~*~*~*

What a long entry...

In summary,

I'm exhausted;
I'm scared;
I'm confused;
I'm cautious;
I'm bruised;
I'm uncertain...

but

I will walk on;
I will hold on;
I will (try and) be stronger.

Trying to be...
Being... 

Updates (sort of)~*

Enough of wistful entries which nobody understands (for the time being, heh)

1. Graduation Photos

the words say it all :)

another JC photoshoot tomorrow.

2. Heart-to-heart

"60% (80%) disclosed, 40% (20%) withheld"

something like that.

that's what A & I established yesterday.

Is it true that we can never fully surrender ourselves to another highly trusted party? 

That there must definitely be certain things that remain untold...?

Okay. 

Or rather, there's no need to reveal so much about yourself? 

So you don't consciously keep things to yourself; you just don't see it as necessary. 

Aloof???

Maybe, to those who feel an acute need to know e v e r y t h i n g. 

3. Ear-worm

Spotify is amazing.

Enough said.

4. Kafkaesque

Surrealistic. 

Ethereal. 

Omnipotent sense of something... dark.

Sounds like Murakami's stories.

What would we do if we lived in a world like that?

Maybe, just maybe,

we wouldn't take life so seriously. 

Since you can't make much sense out of it anyway.

5. FB

Sole purpose: to get updates on friends 

and it's also a good conduit to stalk and satisfy my voyeuristic needs. 

I'm pretty inactive there actually. 

hardly any status updates, with occasional photos to share with friends... 

other than that, my account is pretty much dead. 

Which led me to contemplate my need for fb. 

and the implications that it has had/ has on me. 

I recall reading a news article which reported on the association between fb use and dissatisfaction with life. 

we really shouldn't be too surprised, right?

It's just this innate need to compare, and make life miserable. 

Baffling, but perfectly understandable (what am I talking about). 

On a side note, my twitter account is as good as non-existent; I have no instagram (I think I created one eons ago but I can't remember my username/pw, and didn't upload anything)... I hope that doesn't make me a caveman.

6. CHANGES.

As always. 

Listening to a wider genre of music (for reason, refer to point 3) 

So wide that I can't even pinpoint a particular genre/language/artist. 

e c l e c t i c.

that's the word. 

7. Animation/ designs/ art.

You might have realized that I've been embedding pictures of japanese illustrations within my recent entries. (GOSH. I JUST PRESSED 'CTRL S'. OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD.) 

 like this:

source

It gets especially enthralling when you browse through them at night, with some soft music playing in the background (e.g., AMORE by Sakamoto Ryuichi, heh.). 

Here. That's where I go for my daily dose of surrealism.

8.

I figured I didn't upload many grad photos after all. 

Probably will pace them out so that, you know, they can help to lighten the atmosphere a little. 

lighten up, pose, smile! 

Feeble attempt, but an attempt nonetheless.

Multitudes~*

[written on 2 Aug] 

Some happy photos to kick start a dull and meaningless entry. 

Thanks PR for not inserting my age here hahah

Thanks girls, for celebrating it with me :)

Look at all the happy faces. I wonder what they're thinking about.
What was I thinking? Probably "ok, need to to show teeth."

~*~*~*Throat inflammation.

I guess I was very noisy in the quiet office, interrupting everybody's train of thoughts with my intermittent bouts of cough.

Some sweet colleagues actually came over to my desk and passed me cough med, lozenges etc. 

So, apparently, I must have been pretty loud. 

Anyway, I took my first MC in YEARS.

Well, I could have gone for work but... yes, I need to exercise some social responsibility too. 

And I guess in a way, staying at home to rest is good too, 

since I don't have to suppress my coughs and 

it also helps to avoid awkward situations which require me to speak up (croak) and I end up clearing my throat a million times before I speak (the other party will start laughing/showing concern by then).

Most importantly, I can rest my voice, my mind, my body. 

FYI,

I'm currently speaking in the bass range. 

"Sign language will come in handy now" 

~*~*~*

[continued on 3 Aug]

Is it possible that we can be so caught up with self-denial that we refuse to take in information that will prove things otherwise?

I guess so.

Guilty or not...?
Who decides.

~*~*~*

I'm still not ready to say that I'm recovering.
In fact, the frequency of coughs seem to be increasing.

~*~*~*

Sometimes, you just want to live within a bubble of happiness, entirely separated from reality.

Maybe that's precisely why I seek solace in fiction.

When you stare straight at reality, day in and out,
the weight on your shoulders just keeps increasing;
the amount of hair on your head just keeps decreasing;
you keep sighing.

 You start to live in a mechanical way.

Let the mind go on a break.
Let loose.
Lose yourself to the heavy rhythm of the song, indulge in sinful food and drinks... just... go do what you've always wanted to do.

Because life is probably a lot shorter than what we're expecting.

And living your whole life in that mechanical way just kills you faster.

[that's one important thing I've learnt after working for a month]

~*~*~*

Let me tell you the truth about lies.

There isn't any.

23rd~*

One candle is enough

My birthday was well-spent with my loved ones in a very modest manner.

On the day itself, I went home straight after work.

Home-cooked dinner, lovely strawberry shortcake (it's sooo good) from Glace Patisserie and being surrounded by the significant people in my life. 

Nothing elaborate. But that's more than enough :) 

Birthday eve was a great one with 383.8. 

At our usual spot, ate my usual dish, feeling extra relaxed and comfortable.

and not to forget, a surprise visit from WZ, complete with a small cake and some very useful presents :)

Days before my birthday, Z celebrated my birthday with me in advance - my favourite salmon at TCC, lots of flowers (I don't own them! haha), and NDP NE show. :) :) 

I've also managed to meet up with N and K, and had dinner at Poulet (SO SO-SO).

After which, we had desserts at B&J. The guys never fail to make me laugh. :) 

It feels invigorating to talk to them.

And the journey home with K was exceptionally comforting :) 

It reminded me of many things - heartwarming memories. 
And of course, many more in future :)

Last night, T and I met up for dinner & shopping at town. 

And she gave me some really AWESOME presents. :)

It's my 10th birthday celebration with her heh. And I'm grateful for that.

~*~*

I guess at this age, I yearn for more quality time with people, instead of flashy, flamboyant stuff. 

Truth to be told, my birthday doesn't hold too much significance for me anymore. 

But still, it's good to be able to use this as a reason to meet up and spend time with people I want to be with. 

So thank you all, for your birthday wishes and for being part of my life. 

Cheers to 23 years + 4 days of being alive. :)

Status quo~*

Senado Square (Macau)

I was browsing through the massive number of photos in my dropbox account (it has reached its limit O.O) when I came across this photo which I like a lot.

There are only a few photos of the 3 of us and this is a pretty one which also managed to capture the beauty of senado square :)

If only I had smiled with teeth. It would have been perfect. 

~*~*

Listening to Lush 99.5 FM is way better than painstakingly searching for nice jazz/blues songs on youtube.

It's THE radio station to tune in for jazz/blues/soul lovers.

~*~*
Happy July people!
It's going to be an eventful month - birthdays, commencement, phantom of the opera.

Truth to be told,
I don't feel particularly excited about my birthday.

Maybe it's because I still gotta work that day, which makes it seem like any other ordinary day.
Plus, after your 21st, you don't really keep track of your own age anymore.
Yes, seriously.
I had to think for a moment before figuring out that I'm going to be 23.

For this year's birthday, I have zero expectation.
I'm not even thinking about it.
Even if I do, it's purely in a matter-of-fact manner, void of emotions.
(In fact, I'm more excited about others' birthdays than mine)

The significance of it just seems to die away as years pass, doesn't it?

~*~*
Status quo, please.

Because you simply don't know me.

As an employee~*

And so, unknowingly, June has come to an end.
I think the word 'unknowingly' can't be more appropriate.
Things seemed to have passed by in a flash - days and weeks meshing together without me being very conscious of the dates and days.

Perhaps, this is really the first indicator of my changed status (from student -> employee).

~*~*
Work has been fine so far, with a conducive working environment and helpful, pleasant colleagues.
I really couldn't have asked for more.
Yet, there's just this odd sense of insecurity and inadequacy nagging at me at the back of my mind...
Work hasn't 'officially' started for me, because the first week is basically for me to get a hang of things and to orient myself.
I know that soon, work will start piling up and I would probably be spending a lot of time battling with some inner demons and dealing with my weaknesses (e.g., fear of speaking up, not being confident in the work I produce etc).

Let's just take things as they come, shall we?

~*~*
Yesterday was a fulfilling day spent catching up with some psych girls.

Hearing all the plans and aspirations that they have made me feel really happy for them - the kind of warm and fuzzy feeling.
I guess at this age, everything seems like a possibility.
Well, of course there's bound to be constraints and limitations and we can't afford to be too carried away.
Nonetheless, future seems exciting still.

After our brunch/lunch at Fosters, we went back to NUS to collect our graduation package.

NY (colleague) asked me how I felt about graduating and I simply said, "Surreal."

In about 2 weeks' time, I'll be donning the academic dress and holding my hard-earned scroll/transcript.

Four years ago, all these hadn't seem possible.

What's more incredible is that now, I have juniors asking me for advice about thesis and modules.
Since when am I qualified enough to give advice about uni studies?

Surreal, indeed. 

~*~*

It's going to take some time for me to adjust to the schedule of an employee.
My body clock wasn't very well tuned during the first week and I've had difficulties falling asleep/waking up.
So, I really hope I can adapt to the new sleeping/waking cycle.

Eye bags and dark circles, be gone!

~*~*

I had some pretty odd dreams/nightmares lately.
While some still remain rather fresh in my memory, others have more or less faded.
I wonder what they are trying to tell me about my thoughts that are embedded deep within my unconscious mind.

~*~*

The most interesting description of myself I've heard this week.

"Hell Girl... Come to think of it, you do look like one." 

Updates~*

In the nutshell...

MACAU!

BALI 

I'm never a person who goes into details about who, what, when, how, where (because I suck at writing narratives. Lost that ability long after sec school).

Since dear MW kept pestering me for photos, I'd decided to do up collages instead (heh, the lazy way). 

Of course, they don't capture everything that happened during those trips. 

Nevertheless, I picked those photos which were the most presentable... of places that were the most memorable. 

Pardon the lack of photos with human beings in the Macau collage (except for reflection shots), because my cam was used to take scenery shots while T's supposed to take photos of people and she's too lazy to upload anything TSKKKK (if you're reading this -> UPLOAD). 

For Macau, I'd have to say I enjoyed House of Dancing Water show (it was SPECTACULAR), the many tours to the different hotels, as well as the historical monuments (the unique blend of Portuguese and Chinese culture). 

And of course, the hotel itself was magnificent. It looked just like a palace from the outside and it's so colossal, I could never manage to take a complete shot of the whole hotel. And the suiteeeeee. It's extravagant (by my standards, at least). 

And as for Bali, the most memorable part of the entire trip was the walk along the beautiful rice fields in Jatiluwih. ABSOLUTELY BREATHTAKINGLY BEAUTIFUL.

Rice fields on a foggy afternoon

I'm afraid this photo doesn't do any justice to the beauty of that place. 

Look at the vastness of the fields and the endless greenery... On top of that, the weather was so cooling (because it's really high up in the hills).

Ahhh.... I think I can just spend the rest of the day sitting among the fields and enjoying the tranquility.

Besides, I also got to indulge in gooooood foooooood. 

The peculiar thing is that we hardly ate any Indonesian food (not a big fan of Indo food). 

The Western cuisine there were so yummy! 

Humongous pizzas (I'd nearly died when I saw the portion), lovely tiramisu (soaked in kahlua, so moist!), tasty grilled cajun shrimps, A&W WAFFLES + CURLY FRIES + ROOT BEER FLOAT (I was so excited to see A&W)

Importantly, for the portion and quality of food, they are really affordable!!! :)

Being a fan of Forrest Gump movie, dining in Bubba Gump restaurant was akin to reliving the moments of the movie. 

The food was delicious and the service was impeccable!

They chorused, "WELCOME!!!!!!" with HUGE grins on their faces when we stepped into the restaurant.

And when we changed the sign on the table from 'Run Forrest Run' to 'Stop Forrest Stop', the staff would shout 'Stop Forrest Stop!!!!!!' and attend to us immediately. 

Sadly, you hardly encounter such attentive and friendly service when you step into restaurants in Singapore. 

So, in short, I've enjoyed myself tremendously during both trips.

Like what Z said, it's all about your own expectations and perceptions. 

Personally, I do believe in keeping an open mind when I travel. 

Because you're not a local, you shouldn't judge excessively. 

That being said, home is still the best place to be in :) 

~*~*~*

I've been listening to Rachael Yamagata's songs on repeat for the past few days. 

I don't really know how to put it... they put me in a laid-back mood, with a tinge of melancholy.

... sitting on a front porch, puffing smoke, drinking a glass of red wine, staring into the sunset.... that kind of feeling. 

In reality, it would be Rachael Yamagata, night, rain, couch, a strong cup of earl grey..., in a long black dress... maybe leafing through 'After Dark' by Murakami Haruki.

This one gave me goosebumps.

And if you would only let me 
I could show you how to cry 
In your darkest hour 
I would lead you through the fire


This is a song which I'll listen to over and over again, when I'm consumed in my thoughts in the middle of the night.

I keep saying over and over and over and over again 
Let it rain, let it rain 
Over and over and over and over again 
Let it rain, let it rain 

They have a strange effect on me.

~*~*~*~*

Friends, 
why are you all leaving when I just returned to Singapore?

HERBIVORES

Managed to catch up with them before they all go overseas!

~*~*~*~

"Enjoy while you can"

YES.

Fragility~*

source

Is this a sunrise or sunset?

Does it matter?

Breathtakingly beautiful, nonetheless. 

~*
Fragile. Handle with care.

The ephemeral nature of life.

Last night, as I glanced at the hospital lift buttons - "Burns Unit", "ICU"... - something just wrenched up inside. 

At any one point in time, there are people who struggle to keep alive. 

Because we can't foretell the future, there is never predictability in life. 

Convincing as fortune-tellers may sound, truth is, they probably have no inkling of what's round the corner. 

Which is why, people's passing often take us by surprise...

Back to why I was in the hospital in the first place,
thank goodness it was nothing major. 

I sincerely wish for her speedy recovery!!! 

~*

Last evening marked the end of my 16 years of formal education.

I'd expected it to be an emotionally-charged moment.

But alas, it was NEGATIVELY-charged. 

For the first time in my life, I experienced an emotion that I can never ever label. 

It's the most peculiar concoction - anxiety + dread + disorientation + relief  + nostalgia + pride (just a tinge) + excitement (minuscule) + confusion + sadness (???) 

Nothing like what I'd anticipated (ecstasy from emancipation!!!!!)

It wasn't even a "loud" or "over-the-top" kind of feeling. 

Rather, it was a quiet, dull sort of mood in the backdrop.

I'm too antsy, aren't I?

Simply because I don't know how to let loooooose, I am always uptight and cautious.

Just like a stressed-up mother; an overly rigid old granny; a bossy older sister.

I think too far ahead ("WHAT'S NEXT????"), and my favourite past-time is TO WORRY. 

I remember reading a book which advised people to "live in the present".

That's a challenge for someone who flits here and there (past and present and future).

Anyhow, taken together,

it's not going to be an easy transition for me. 

Neither here nor there.

~*

BUT of course, there are many things worth looking forward to:

overseas trips (to relax, rejuvenate, and INDULGE)

concert (to immerse in the electrified atmosphere and get swept away by the music)

musicals (THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This, shall be my elixir)

Z's D&D (it's exciting to think of an appropriate costume!)

Commencement 2013 (...will I be feeling proud of myself?)

weddings (an insane number of weddings. many of which are Z's friends' weddings + bro-in-law's sis wedding + cousin's wedding. Weddings are such joyous occasions that I will never get tired of attending.) 

And of course, plenty of meet-ups with friends (I've been socially isolated for so long. It's time for updates, people).

Come to think of it, there's really so much more to life than school and work.

Nevertheless, the very thought of work is .............

source

why so grumpy?

So, back to my life.

I should feel liberated, shouldn't I?

AND, to all who helped me through my thesis+exam period, thanks for being there to tolerate my nonsensical and loony demeanor (with extreme highs and lows), punctuated with occasional (or frequent...?) SOS signals. 

you all know who you are.

Much appreciated and thanks for continuing to accept me despite all that. 

To end,

this song is incredibly catchy (minus the Jay-Z parts TSKKKKK).

And people,
please take good care of your health

Updates~*

credit

"The story of life required its stops and its pauses, its days and nights. 

It didn't make sense otherwise."

- 'Arlington Park' by Rachel Cusk

1. 

It's one week into the new semester.

Well, technically speaking, I've only had two days of school.

Yet, I experienced immense physical exhaustion 

(no kidding. When I got back home after running some errand after school, I lay on the sofa and couldn't move at all. And I slept at 11 plus? When my usual bedtime is 12 plus - 1 plus)

It feels like there's a whole lot of inertia within me, such that I need to expend lots of energy just to shuffle a step.  

Lots of creaks and squeaks of protests when I move my knee. 

Seriously.

2. 

It's my last semester in NUS. 

My last time saying "it's one week into the new semester". (heh)

I ought to be feeling a sense of emptiness together with a tinge of sadness... but NO.

I'm feeling as emotionless and indifferent towards school. 

I guess it's a love-and-hate thing between me and school (throughout my entire 17 years of education, excluding preschool).

It's conflicting. 

There are certainly many people and places that I will miss... but at the same time, there are also many people and things that I can't wait to get away from. 

And hence, the negatives nullify the positives and I get the feeling of ambivalence.

Perhaps, the emotions will intensify as days go by.

3.

It's a sad semester.

Firstly, we're isolated in Utown away from the other 4th year majors (AGAIN). 

Secondly, most of us have no common modules with the rest of us (the psych girls...).

Thirdly, we'll hardly have the chance to eat at arts canteen (refer to first point).

Fourthly, I'll only be in school 6 hours per week, which means I'll pretty much be living in my own world at home with my ailing laptop and stacks of unread readings. 

It sounds depressing, doesn't it? 

Although I only have 2 modules to clear, I'm still feeling increasingly stressed up because the deadline for thesis is drawing near and I'm not progressing at all (my sec sch study is pretty much a standstill). 

I really have the urge to barge into Prof S' office, throw myself in the swivel chair and bawl my eyes out. 

I haven't exactly reached that state of mental breakdown and I'm trying my very best to KEEP CALM AND CONTINUE TO WORK HARD. 

Yet, I feel like there's a pulsating tumour in my brain that gives me frequent headaches which act as constant reminders for me.

'THE DEADLINE IS NEAR AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO REMAIN STAGNANT, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GRADUATE MY DEAR'

Max level of horror. 

BUT, I'm still being hopeful. I'm still trying to be positive.

Eventually, it'll be okay! Well, it has to be! 

4.

CNY is coming and again, it's that familiar feeling of ambivalence.

You know, my resolution is to try to be positive, right?

And having neutral feelings is actually the first step away from being negative, right! :)

Anyway, I haven't really done much shopping ($$$) but I guess it's not that important after all. 

5.

There are certainly many things to look forward to!

Trips, graduation, work (if any), meet ups, upcoming weddings (LOTS), staycations (if any)...

yes, fill your heart with things that truly matter.   

6. 

There was this particularly memorable night when M & I texted for hours until about 3am plus. 

It was as if "floodgates were open" (aptly put by M). 

Moon alignment.

Anyway, it was one of the rare moments when I was very honest with myself (and to her). 

and emotions were completely stripped bare. 

So was I. 

I really enjoy this kind of deep heart to heart sessions when I feel intoxicated and there's no holding back and no pretense at all. 

It's therapeutic in that sense.

Like carthasis (certainly not that extreme) and then a recovery phase.

Thank you, M :) 

7.

Counting my blessings. 

Giving thanks.

Not all will go smoothly, but grateful nonetheless. 

Learning to let go and learning to hold on.

To prioritize.

To widen my horizon and inhale the smell and vigor of life.

Act, and not just think and talk.

Remember, always remember (things that ought to be remembered)

Love, because they are just so lovable. 

It may be tough... it may be daunting,

but, keeping positive will be useful.

Random photo:

Feels kind of CNY-ish. anyway, TEEEETH! teehee. :)

Rapunzel~*

This issue with my hair is really quite interesting.

I received many comments about my hair from all sorts of people - friends, relatives, acquaintances, strangers etc.

"Wow your hair is sooooo looooong!"

Well, by then I was pretty determined to get my waist-length (the back) hair cut.
In case you're wondering, it's not because of all the comments but because of the hassle of caring for very long hair (the long time it took to dry; the way I kept tugging it when I was tossing in bed etc etc. and it weighed a ton, especially since my hair is exceptionally thick.)

For the past few weeks, I was constantly bugging A to go for a haircut together.
Well, somehow, it wasn't meant to be because either our schedules clashed, or some unpredictable event cropped up.

There was this time when I had made up my mind to get it cut the very next day.
I was at Starbucks with Z and the most incredulous thing happened.

"I love your hair," commented the barista.

That completely threw me off-guard and well, kind of shattered my used-to-be-unwavering determination to cut my hair.

Fast forward a couple of days and my persistence returned.
So now, I have above-chest hair length (both front and back).
I think I probably cut about 5 inches (the back)?

The good thing is my head feels lighter. And it takes a much shorter time to dry.
The downside is that it doesn't look as straight anymore.
Z commented that it looked "rebonded" and it did, on the very day I cut it.
But a day later it looks more wavy.

I guess there's something odd about my hair. It straightens out when it's past chest-level.
Weird.

Anyhow, it's like a symbol of a new year.
You know, new year, new start, blank slate (then I would have to shave it off), that kind of thing.
And it does work, in a way, in helping me feel more refreshed and ... younger.


Ok. This is a very meaningless and trivial blog entry.
I guess I just want to document something  that, in a few years' time when I read it again,
I UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS WRITING ABOUT.

Not very applicable to the super vague and emotional/sentimental entries of which I honestly have no idea what triggered me to write them. And what were the supposed hidden messages behind them.

I need to write more casual and random stuff.
In my opinion, they are waaaaay more interesting to read.

On a side note,
planning modules is a headache.

Suck it in, let it go~*

1.
It's finally over.
Mixed feelings.
Of relief, anxiety, dread, disappointment and....an indescribable mixture of something I can't label.

This is by far the worst examination I've set for so far.
It's quite amazing, how I can screw up 3 out of 3 papers...
To be honest, I wonder if I'm really suitable for honours year.
I know it'll be tough, but I didn't know it'll be THAT tough.

After the very first paper, I've been ruminating excessively and obsessively.
Tried to suppress all the horrible negative thoughts but you know... the rebound effect.

Jas: I'm gonna suck it in and move on...
Mabel: Not suck it in, but let it go...

Yes, yes. Time to let it go.

NO MORE MENTIONING OF EXAMS TILL RESULTS ARE OUT.


2.
Of course, I'm so thankful to have the awesome people stay by me during this tough period of time....
You guys know who you are :) 
It makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not alone in this...
Social support is indeed important!


3.
There are words that I'm afraid of hearing...

I'm not that good and I know that very well.
So, I am a potential source of disappointment... because I'm not as good as you think I am.

Hence, please don't have expectations in me, because I will probably not live up to it.


4.
I think I'm afraid of being happy.

You probably don't understand what I'm talking about...
...but I guess what I mean is that I don't want to possess something that I will come to lose.

and happiness is one of it...?

Sometimes I don't get myself, and the way my mind functions.


5.
On a lighter note,
it's HOLIDAYS! :)
December is always one of my favourite months (the other being July) because it's Christmas-sy; it's the last month of the year (good for reflections) and it's cooooooling and rainy (which is awesome to curl up on the couch with hot tea and a good book) :)

6.
I heard about a bad news from my sister some time last week and it has impacted me quite a bit...

That's when I realized that I didn't have any photo of me with my sis' jiemeis.

:D (2 of them are missing!)

They are a really fun-loving bunch of girls and we got along really well! :)

So when I heard about the news, it made my heart sink.

Mabel: It's those people who've gone through hell who are the most thankful...

I couldn't agree more.

7. 

Really super random stuff:

- A small sparrow flew into my room some time ago. It was pretty amazing, given that my window was just A LITTLE open. The opening was not more than 1.5 inch wide. Seriously.

- Caffeine overdose during this exam period

- Have been raining nearly every day and it's awesome :)

- MEET-UPS! 

- My hair reached my waist. It's so long! I think I'll cut 5 inches off. 

- I'm going blind (need to stop staring at the laptop, at books, at notes and at the phone...).

8.
Managed to get hold of the piano score for this piece.
Have been playing this on piano.
It's a very beautiful piece of music :)
Especially from 1:09 onwards. Love how it leads to the climax towards the end.

Bittersweet.

9.
My parents were complaining about not buying 4D for a number that they mentioned for quite some time. and it came out as the top prize a few days back.
When I saw the number, I nearly laughed out loud.

2727


10.
I came up with a joke during this exam period (you see, humour is really not related to pessimism).

What was the potato chip doing in the temple?


Alright. Happy thinking!
Heading out soon to take a breatherrrrr!