Monday, July 13, 2009
After being nearly mute for a few days,
I learnt to listen to my heartbeat. To listen to others speak. To listen to the silence in between sentences. To listen to things that I never bothered to listen to in the past.
Listen.
Instead of speak.
You can know so much more.
Look at the people around you. Listen to what they're telling you.
What they really are telling you.
From time to time, we all yearn to remove our barriers and collapse into someone's embrace.
You've got to catch the moment when they show their most genuine emotions to you.
times when words really reflect what they think.
these moments usually go unnoticed.
because we don't listen hard enough.
Labels: reflections
11:13 PM
Friday, July 10, 2009
A silent prayer.
May the precious things not slip through my fingers again...
1.
I'm officially pronounced VOICELESS.
I can't complete a sentence without at least 2 coughs. And after speaking for about 5 minutes, my voice is almost gone. :(
Oh, and not to mention, my voice is back to the DEEEEEEEEEEEEEP DEEEEEEEEEEEEP masculine voice.
2. MASQUERADE
Anyway,
Amber, I do feel miserable.
But it's no longer about admitting to feeling miserable and pained.
It's about rescuing myself.
But I want the problem to be confined to me and myself alone.
mihi solum. (?)
I don't want to see my pain reflected on someone else's face.
I don't want to see my burden on someone else's shoulders.
But...
sometimes I've got to admit defeat to myself.
I've got to give in to my weaker side and accept help from others.
But where do you even begin?
How do you reach out for me when I'm just a clam?
That I'm still in a masquerade?
You ask me to put down that mask.
I ask myself to put down that mask.
But the fact is, I don't even know which is a mask and which is not.
3.
I put too much sentimental value on insignificant things and expect them to suddenly become significant in someone else's eyes when in actual fact, they're still insignificant to them and will remain so because no matter how significant you think it is, people will not see things from the way you do and you just end up getting disappointed.
4. HER.ME.
Sometimes, I look at myself from a third party's point of view.
I assess her, I judge her, I give her a grade.
I criticize her, I scold her, I frown at her.
I laugh at her, I feel like slapping her, I sympathesize with her.
I stare at her in disbelief, I cry with her, I avert my gaze from her.
too hard. too simple. too confusing. too tiring.
to understand her.
5.
"Are you alright?"
I've been asked that for too many times.
Yes, but am I?
No, then now what?
6.
Isn't it better, if I could lose myself?
Like totally lose control of my current self?
And then search for a new identity, a new personality, new perception of life?
7.
I had a weird dream.
This girl was telling me, "I don't feel loved by you."
I think she's me.
10:31 PM
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
I've been pressing 'delete' and 'backspace' a couple of times before I managed to write all these.
I don't want to paint a picture that can be interpreted easily.
I don't like to let my emotions and thoughts be scribbled all over my face.
I don't like people to read too much into me.
Miss Vague, right, Karen?
Right now, I'm feeling horrible.
From the stupid illness. From the glaring light from the laptop. From my overly active brain.
Jasmine in person is so different from jasmine in TRJ.
I don't know why.
And I don't want to know why.
You can call me a schizophrenic psycho.
you can call me a screwdriver.
you can call me spaceshot (my mood, totally.)
I think who I really want to be is a numbskull or airhead.
Why think so much?
Why make your life so miserable?
It's lonely.
It's lonely to be the only one who perceive people and the world in this certain way.
It's scary.
To have sudden random dark thoughts creep into your brain at night.
I really need a source of light now.
(however glaring it might be.)
But don't worry about me.
Don't need to. Don't have to.
Your gentleness is always so painfully... genuine.
But I'm afraid of it...
Because I don't want to cry anymore.
I think I'm going to have a fever.
6:52 PM
Monday, July 06, 2009
People, please stay away from me. Because I'm not feeling well.
Mentally and physically sick. haha.
So, let pictures do the talking.
@ zoo + marina barrage
with the zoo keeper. OK KIDDING. XD
this is COOL.
Armageddon. It was an unintentional effect.
LEFT FOUR DEAD!!!!!!!!!! super cool pic!
007. (or should it be 002?)
sisters doing dumb things tgt.
don't you just love my Lumix? :)
in memory of Ks, Aryk, Ayu and 02.
@genting
Day 1: Pool + JUMP! + Terminated
getting there
playing pool :)
02: it feels so awkward to have 3 cameras aimed at us when we're playing. LOL.
And I was holding 3 jackets, a cam and there were 5 bottles of water in my bag. =__=
(I was being mistreated...)
Bowling. (I bet many ppl were staring at us when we posed for this pose. anw, noob looked pro la. haha)
It was really fun! (though we were farrrrrr from pro)
nearly, NEARLY overtook 02 and Ks!
"Walk straight, hand straight, throw straight!"
XD
Red Box. LOL.
We were all so high towards the end. haha.
C'MON JUMP!
Afterwards, it was 'Terminator Salvation' and well, Ks, 02 and Ayu were terminated halfway through the show. Only Aryk and Noob pulled through.
Day 2: crazy rides + treading on tightrope + crazy alcoholics
Going to the theme park. (................. time for me to challenge my limits)
...... this monster is to teach you how to cherish your life.
preparing to die.
not sure what we're queueing up for but im turning pale.
Ferris wheel!
It rained after that so we stopped by 'Old Town White Coffee'.
the coffee is great! :)
Ice Fire Bo Luo Bao
(whatever that's supposed to mean. It's yummy though :))
Went to somewhere by van to have zi char. :)
(i take really random shots so please bear with me)
In the cable car!
I was trying to hide from the spotlight.
Slam dunk~!
celebrating noob's 21st! :D
Crazy night of 'change names' game and drinking.
alcoholic, really.
anyway, DONT BE DECEIVED BY THE PICTURES COS I WAS PUNISHED THE MOST NUMBER OF TIMES. T_T
in the end, noob and ks had really scarlet faces (esp noob). I was relatively pink (although I was punished the most, their one sip = my 10 sips XD). $$/mum was alright, cos she drank only a little. (2 sips?) Aryk was unharmed. 02 was already gong gong by then. XDDD
oh yesss.
Day 3: dimsum + last few photos + Solitaire
I was brain dead by then. So couldn't really recall what happened.
Though I rmb the food was really so-so.
the last pic!
frm left: Farenheit (no idea why XD), 20th century boys (thought it was middle finger), 007, ?????, lovebirds.
Ok. I was watching Ayu's 05-06 countdown concert on the ride back.
woohoo~ Oh, then I watched this thai horror film that was........................................
So, that marks the end of the genting trip.
All in all, it was great. :D So.... when's the next trip, guys? :)
@geylang
Aryk's birthday celeb with the frogs
aww~
WAAAAAAH... SO MUCH FOOD!
LOL. Showdown of jiang hu brothers.
HAHAHAHAHA! 02's eyes are soooooo big! (for the first time XD)
photos credit to Ks' Ixus, Aryk's Sony and Ayu's Lumix.
there are still many more photos though. haha.
So, that marks the end of the week. :)
Life goes on~
And so, I'm back to reorganizing my life, lamenting about life and well, move on.
but before that, let's hope I recover sooooooon!
"with you around, any other things seem so insignificant as you are the significance."
:)
11:19 PM
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Everything crashed onto me.
I didn't know how upset I was until I realized my tears couldn't stop.
11:26 PM
I wanted to blog about the Genting trip, but I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE TO START.
But in summary, the trip was great. :)
I think I really needed a break and just focus on having fun, even if it's just for a mere 3 days and to somewhere not too far away.
It's not about the destination.
It's about the company, the atmosphere and of course, how much you can leave behind in Spore.
From eating random stuff (sweet corn and more sweet corn) to lousy bowling (some of us anyway) to super high karaoke session to the thrilling rides at the theme park (I thought I might die) to casino (wasnt so lucky the 2nd time) to super late night movie (I slept for about 1/4 of the movie. and I was a NUMBSKULL throughout the remaining 3/4 of the show (HAHAHAHAHA)) to skywalk (shiok!) to late night jog/walk around genting (it was really really awesome :)) to celebrating Yiliang's TWENTYFIRST birthday (:DDD) to the super high card game (and I drank the most as punishment. =__=) etc etc.
I guess if I were to stay there any longer or go to somewhere further for a longer time, I won't want to return to Singapore.
You see, I hate the feeling of emptiness when you come back to reality..
But oh well, we can't live in dreamland forever, can we?
Anyway, my mood isn't exactly good these days.
I get frustrated/irritated/tired easily. Maybe that's why I decided to keep these few days for myself.
I need to crawl out of the drain on my own.
Have been rummaging through my memories to search for answers to some unanswered questions.
And I realized that it's better not to go there again.
There are some people I feel like talking to once again. (enough of running away)
But it's like opening a Pandora's box.
Please pardon me.
My mind is all jumbled up with my heart and it has become one big knot.
Anyway, happy belated birthday to my sister and yiliang! :D
Back to my attempt to upload the million pictures.
I'm... tired.
8:49 PM
Monday, June 29, 2009
Will be away in Genting till 2nd July :)
Time to get away from the heat (especially), walls and the com (HAHA).
Gotta wake up at what... 4am tomorrow? (probably even earlier than K-kun. haha.)
Goodnight and goodbye people. :)
Take care!
9:50 PM
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I keep laughing at this picture. XD
As of 27th June 1.24am,
LEFT EAR-SAN HAS FULLY RECOVERD. :)
(ok. 99% at least)
THANK GOODNESS..............
It all happened so suddenly, plus many things were happening at the same time.
So I didn't know how to react then.
1. my sister is BACK from Melbourne! :)
Back with a car accident (bam bam bam), HUGE bag of chocolates (DARK!), many many presents for friends (AND NOTHING FOR ME) and well, complaints about the warm weather (It's in the genes).
haha. But well, she was all smiles when we were chatting today. To summarize, it feels good to have her back. :)
2. Went for my uni health check up with tako.
AS ALWAYS, I think I failed my eye test. =___=
(well, I've been failing the eyesight test since sec 1 and was always told to change my specs.)
time to change specs again... *GROANS*
I'm going to change to lime green cat eye glasses.
OK KIDDING.
But all went well *relieved*
3. GABRIEL Fauré
SHEEEEEESH. My teacher is throwing me a diploma exam piece composed by FAURE!
FAURE FAURE FAURE FAURE FAURE.
The teacher of DEBUSSY AND RAVEL.
FAURE! @_@
BUT, it sounds ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. And immediately, an image was formed in my mind...
OK. WITH THIS, I'LL GIVE MY ALL FOR THIS PIECE.
4. Michael Jackson passed away.
And I gotta agree with yy. It's a very random death.
Shocking, yes. But more of random.
Don't you think so? like suddenly someone comes up to you and say, "my cat got stuck in the sink."
ok lousy example but you get the randomness? Maybe it's cos I need some time to digest this news.
But still, he's a legacy and probably tens of thousand of ppl would be mourning for him.
He'll definitely be remembered. For the good music and dance, I mean.
5. I'm just not the type of people who can appreciate chick lit.
So, I gave up on one. (I mistook it for anything but chick lit)
Well, I've tried telling myself to lighten up a little and give chick lit a try. But always always, I end up feeling disappointed and well, unable to continue the story.
Not that I'm looking for something dark and serious all the time. More like... I need something that feeds my hunger for really huge waves of emotions.
I don't know. But I love it when I can feel myself ABSORBED in the story and feel the emotions felt by the characters... Like music, like movies...
So now, I'm currently reading 'Carry Me Down' by M.J. Hyland. :)
Will talk about it soon.
6. Tell me what I don't know.
Just off the phone.
I have such an overwhelming urge to be right next to you.
and to reassure you again and again.
and to look at you in the eyes and tell you 'It's okay'.
Simply because it will be, even though it's hard to believe at the moment.
I don't know how many encouraging words you can digest because I'm afraid of overdoing things and devaluing those words.
I don't know how much impact I can have on you because I'm afraid of having an impact like feather drifting onto a palm.
I don't know how to make the pain go away because things I can do never seem enough.
I can only watch you from afar.
I can offer you nothing but mere words.
Words that can be meaningless.
I'll have to admit that I do feel powerless from time to time.
I have my dark moments, times when I feel really really uncertain of myself.
Even now, I will still be affected by my inferior complex.
Because... I'm just so different from...
I am giving my all this time.
Really really...
Hontou ni.
Ganbatte...
Please tell me.
What else I can do.
Besides silly messages, weak attempts to cheer you up, lame jokes etc...
And am I... really good enough?
7. Oftentimes,
I think about who I have to be.
Who I am forced to be.
Why.
8. SHIT. Caffeine is making my brain all twisted and emotions all crazy and bitter.
9. I think about how much I devalue myself, how little I think of myself.
I think about how I pressurize myself and force myself to do painful things.
I think about how I become someone I'm not just to please others.
I think about my existence as a big fat question mark.
I think about how people just cannot understand why I feel this way.
I think about how much I am really worth...
I think about crazy things.
I think about all these and I just want to run and run and run.
10. I think about how this entry has morphed from a bright, happy entry to a bloody bitter one.
At this moment, I wish I could turn back time such that I won't drink that iced coffee.
Shit. Look what caffeine can do to me.
Random:
Singapore Sling
Labels: life, random, reflections, sadness
12:27 AM
