The fifth~*

At this rate, I'll end up with approximately 12 entries for this year.

The number has been dropping almost exponentially over the years.

Maybe cos there's no longer so many things to write about?
Nah.

I guess I'm finding it increasingly difficult to put my experiences (thoughts, feelings, occurrences) down in words.
Most, if not all, things lose their beauty and magic once you translate them into words. Okay, maybe it's just me la, given that my command of English isn't very strong to begin with.

Since I cannot write coherent narratives, and I don't want to take a reductionist approach when writing my own personal experiences, I often stare at the blank page for very long before deciding (i) whether I should even write anything, and, if yes, (ii) how to write them.

In the end, I end up with incomprehensible strings of words.
Vague, and well, cryptic.

Maybe that's all I can manage, for now.

Or maybe in life,
clarity isn't a given.

You've got to seek it.
But even so, you may not get it.

Or maybe,

I just like to mess with your mind.

~*~*~*~

Getting progressively tired of work.
And I know that I've been exhibiting several signs of burn out.

Not sure what's happening, nor why I have the right to feel 'burn out' in the first place.

Maybe I need a break...

then, what next?

I want to be tenacious~*

A severe lack

of tenacity
of resilience
of perseverance
of optimism
of doggedness
of competence
of adequacy
of efficiency.

The easy way out.
It doesn't exist.

All these add up = a very grumpy, peevish, sulky, cranky person.

[Sorry, I needed an outlet.]

A mess~*

credit

Headache, headache, headache, headache.

Decided to take a breather from working on my thesis proposal (which apparently is an entangled mess of concepts, ideas and hypotheses... an absolute horror that I can't even bear to look at...)

Maybe it's because I'm placing all hopes on this proposal.
Maybe it's because deep down, I know my heart can't take that painful rejection.
Maybe... I'm just hinging my fragile self-esteem on this nightmarish proposal.

Whatever it is, it looks bad.
And judging from the amount of time I have left before submission, I'm pretty much doomed...

I guess I really need to get my thoughts back together and F O C U S.
Woke up at an ungodly hour to work on it (my thinking is more lucid in the morning) and after a few hours of mind-boggling research, I want to raise a white flag.


This reminds me of stuff about people.
the deeper you delve into them, the more confusing and disconnected things become.
and soon, you'll wonder if you know that person at all.


It's not even noon yet.
But I already feel utterly drained and exhausted, as if an entire day has passed.


something random,
whenever I listen to the praises from the teachers and principal at the childcare centre, I don't know how to react.
to them, I am like ______.
but to me, I am like ______.
that's when I realize I am one well-guarded castle and hardly anyone has access to the deepest corner of it.

anyway, the principal and I both share immense joy from reading Torey Hayden. :)


another random thing,
I still need to master the art of handling social situations.
I may appear calm, composed and friendly, I am actually screaming inside.

OKAY. BACK TO WORK.

The need to rant~*

the whole honours thesis struggle is turning out to be nothing short of a joke.
it's as if... some invisible force is pushing me away from attempting to even START on it.

I mean, come on, it's not even the CONCEPTUALIZATION part.
It's only the TRYINGTOFINDAPROF phase and it's already gradually becoming something beyond my control.
Yes, at the moment, it's really beyond my control. (I really don't like being the victim of organizational/manpower issue...)  

It's so ridiculous, it's actually quite funny.

2 striked off, 3 more to go.

Self-anger~*

Mabel: I'll do this tomorrow.
Jas: ... I have no tomorrow.

And we laughed.

It was meant to be a joke.
But in retrospect, maybe not.
Mixture of bitterness and frustration and...stress (my most loyal companion).
I don't like it when an idea that we worked on for some time (naively thinking that it's good) turned out to be a completely bad one.

It just makes me feel annoyed at my shortsightedness and...over confidence.
You see, how can I ever learn to be confident in something when things that I am confident in often turn out to be undeserving of such... confidence? that ideas that I am proud of turn out to be fit for the garbage??? (sorry for the harshness)

So you see, to avoid disappointment and self-anger, it's best not to be overly confident and overestimate your own ability.
It's best to just keep your mouth shut and think, Think, THINK.

...
I don't know why I'm over-reacting to this extent.
Perhaps it's the feeling of inadequacy.
It's akin to coming out of my comfort zone (like, finally) and being greeted with a bullet in the head.

Numbskull and asshole~*

"Jasmine, don't just nod. You haven't said anything yet."

Internship has made me realize how far behind I really am.
My brain processes information far too slowly.
Much slower than my fellow interns who are really way ahead of me.

And I'm just not a very vocal person.

I think, I ponder, I analyze... but the ideas that materialize in my head will just remain there.
They won't be translated into sounds or words to be spoken.
(and I vocalize much, much more when I feel at ease with the people I'm talking with)

Hence, I believe I give people the impression that I'm slow, passive, nonchalant and dim-witted.

Unfortunately, I believe all the adjectives in that previous sentence do describe me to a certain extent.

And trust me, it doesn't feel good.
Self-esteem issues? Inferiority complex? Maybe.

I'm trying my best to be more vocal.
But whatever thoughts that I have in my brain sound stupid and redundant when they are out of my mouth.
It just further augments the fact that my brain is really quite an empty vessel.

Actually, when I reflect more thoroughly, I realize that I don't really have many intelligent ideas.

I'm really just a very, very transparent being.

And I'm always waiting to be fed with information, except the times when I do effortless research on trivial information that is not particularly useful from google and wikipedia (e.g, 'what is rage comic').

I study for the sake of studying; for the sake of getting decent grades; for the very practical reasons.
It's appalling - how incredibly shallow&passive I really am.

I used to say I have a 'high need for cognition'.
That's just rubbish, isn't it?
Ultimately, my way of thinking is - nothing.

Hardly any opinion, any thought of my own.
nothing radical, nothing extreme, not an advocate of anything.
zilch.

Which is why people say I'm easy-going and have a good temper.

Precisely because I've got nothing to vouch for, nothing to stand for, nothing to argue for.
My mind is filled with 'neutrality' and neutral is just 0.
It's not a + and not even a -.
It's nothingness.

I'm about as active as a rock with no mind of my own.
I do things driven by sheer fear of failure. to escape the lousy feeling of apprehension.
and by extrinsic motivation, nothing more.

Guilty of passivity of the first degree.

Come to think of it, my brain is cluttered and messy and clogged up with 99% redundant bullshit.

A total numb-skull.


~*~*
And I'm stretching myself far more than what I can manage.
When I told Mabel that my December is going to jam-packed with internship and I'm still going ahead to do this voluntary data collection project, she just stared at me.

You know what? I think I'm insane.


~*~*
I don't want to sound as if I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I guess deep down, that's precisely what I'm feeling.

“Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that.” 

― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Now I'm not just a numb-skull but an asshole as well. 

Shitty cube~*

Itchy fingers. (itching to write some bs here)
Taking a break from my term paper + presentation preparation + module scripting for my internship.

Today, as I was crossing the road, I was overwhelmed by an abrupt bout of immense sense of helplessness.
It was so intense, I'd wanted to kneel on the ground and curl up to wait for the inevitable tears to come.

It had hit me hard.
It's that kind of CRASH that knocks the wind out of you.

At that very moment, the only thought that was in my mind was

"What exactly are you doing with your life?"


I want to be elsewhere, doing something I want to do, spending time with people I want to spend time with, being who I want to be at the moment.
I don't want to focus on nothing but schoolwork and internship.
I don't want my days to pass like this and me working the shit out of myself with no end point in sight.

Life is already so short yet I'm just freaking contained in this super small cube I call 'world'.
this cube! can you imagine?
you can see actually the boundary of my world!!

damn, damn, damn.

I'm so full of angst, I want to haul everything out of the window now.

so, so dead~*

I need to take a breather.

The massive amount of information that I need to get into my poor brain is really overwhelming. (My poor poor cerebral cortex...)

It feels like finals when it's just mid-terms. And for having multiple tests crammed together is just like, you know, adding mercury to a spoonful of arsenic to ingest/ strangling me when I'm already stabbed in the guts.

Sheer insanity.

I don't know if I can survive the next 6 days. Talk about surviving the remaining months of the semester!

I'm going to sleep already. My brain needs to rest.

chilled~*

I'm frozen.

The chill is still circulating all around inside me. Literally.

It's making my body temperature all warped. It's making me feel sick.

I feel sick.

I feel sick, not just because of the chill, but because of the mess that's lying in front of my eyes. 

I'm trying, but I can't do this alone. 

I want to cry in frustration but... what's the point? 

I feel like dropping my hands and allowing my head to hit the keyboard.

like, with a BIG BIG BANG. 

Can't you guys just...

Edit:


I can't sleep.

I think I worry incessantly and excessively.
because if the whole world tells you to chill and nobody seems the least bit worried, then I suppose I'm the oddball who worries too much.

that must be it.

so there's no reason to feel so flustered.

I don't like it when people put negative connotations to the word 'studious' and 'hardworking'.
somehow, it seems to suggest that the person has 'no-life' and very 'frigid' and 'uptight' like a wound up spring.

MUGGER. 

but if we think of it from a different perspective - what's WRONG with working on what you're SUPPOSED to do?

I don't know, I really don't.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do from now and I just want to sleep my days away. I just want to have that 'heck-care' attitude and wait for things to happen on their own. I just want to sit back and watch. I don't want to risk my health and mental stability. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. 



Edit again:


I lost it.

tonight's going to be a very long and depressing night...

I'm going to have swollen eyes tomorrow.


Edit again:

Patience is a virtue.

I will keep an open mind and an open heart. I will try my best to understand and empathize.


I am going to place my trust in you guys again.

Fragile. Be careful.

my duty, no?~*

I'm feeling extremely upset right now.

and you just looked on, even when I asserted my point by landing my cup a little harder on the glass table.

that nonchalant look.

don't look at me like that, when I step over the line a little.

don't look at me like that.

don't.

the more I reason with myself, the more helpless I feel.

the more I suppress it, the more it comes and grips me.

when I step back, don't push it further.

don't.

suppress and suppress and hide and pretend and smile.

be good. be nice. be docile. be brainless. be weak. be happy to be pushed around.

isn't that your forte, jas??

I'm so, so, so unhappy. and all of you just looked on.

it'sjustwhati'msupposedtodo,it'smyresponsibility,myduty,ihavenomindofmyown.yes.

Seven-Day War~*

Today is the day Jasmine thought she might just snap and curl up in the corner of the store and die.

It was a joke between us when W said "Later the queue might just end at the Management section" (it's FAR from the cashier counter)

But indeed, it was 3/4 there. nearly ended at the magazine section, which is right at the opposite end of the store.

The bad news is there were only C, W and me struggling to cope with the queue. (D and N were on MC. take care D and N! get well soon)

And I'm not taught to do cashiering, which makes it hard for me to help much, other than gift-wrap (OH MY), answer enquiries, pack the books...

well, if you know about social facilitation (social psychology), then you'd know what happened to me this afternoon.

I feel bad for not knowing how to do lots of things and for panicking when I really shouldn't.

It was just too overwhelming, I guess.

None of us could have a proper break at all.

The queue was never-ending, so were the phone calls, enquiries, gift-wrapping requests...

the store was in complete chaos...

and seeing how W and C persevered and worked hard, I feel I paled in comparison.

(and I indeed turned pale)

I was truly exhausted and drained. Like how you feel when your throat is being slit open and hung upside down.

you feel the flow of energy out of your body.

and the worst was the AWFUL crowd at the station. (whatever happened to the train service earlier on...)

I had to wait 384712836 trains before I could squeeze on it.

It has become a routine where I would just sit at the platform for a while to rest my legs.

and it has also become a time for me to reflect on the day's work.

tonight, I'd wanted to just sit there forever and feel miserable about myself.

And the crowd aggravated everything.

I felt suffocated.

Nevermind, I'll fight the Seven-Day War.

(again, I'm glad for my colleagues)

On the sidenote: I know I should just go and sleep, but if I don't get this off my chest, I'll explode.

Infinite loop~*

I think I'm dying soon.
I can't believe I actually spent the whole day doing nothing other than scrutinizing notes and frowning at my laptop.
presentation... report... urgh.
I can feel that my eyeballs are rolling out of their sockets and my brain being charred.

and the awesome thing is, I feel that I'm getting nowhere.
Nowhere at all.

I feel like I'm just going around in circles.
Inifinite loop, yes?

and it's just downright !@#(*&(!^%=@*&! frustrating.

I guess I really need a breather.

my sources of entertainment:

1. The Big Bang Theory - it's unbelievably hilarious. I actually have one entry stored somewhere in my drafts that's specially dedicated to this sitcom. anyhow, it's just SUPER FUNNY. ingenious, how they can come up with such novel plots and fresh funny lines.

2. America's/Britain's Next Top Model - still very very awed by their photos. and the sadistic side of me is just fascinated by the numerous catfights that are bound to occur in every cycle.

3. Facebook - how my even more sadistic friends have been putting down vile comments on pictures of me that are well, BEYOND unglam. haha. but i've got to get used to it since cameras hate me, period. tyra banks once said this,
'the camera doesn't lie'.

So I should really just curl up and die. hahaha.

4. writing gibberish here.

I'm perfectly aware that my life has been reduced to the size of a microscopic organism.

I can't wait for this sem to be over, but I don't want finals to come so soon!!!
together with all the deadlines etc etc etc.

urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

dead~*

I can't go back, I won't go back, there is no place to return
However much I may look back, I can't change my footprints
Even if I repaint them beautifully
My mind alone can't be deceived

-'Don't Look Back' by Ayumi Hamasaki




If the prettiest things cannot be verbalized into words, then neither can the ugliest.

what lies beneath the skin?
what truly lies beneath the vulnerable exterior?

have we always been telling the truth?





or are we just dismissing words as mere sounds?









On the way home today, I was observing the people around me.
And I can't help but wonder.....

laughing, goofing around with friends, placing their hands over the hearts of their lovers, clutching each others' hands ever so tightly, blank expressions, drifting to sleep, eyes darting restlessly around, folding and unfolding hands, nodding to the music, staring right back at me and through me...



what were they thinking at that point of time?



as of 2nd April 2010 11.02pm?




are they recalling the days' events?
planning for the next day?
checking out some young chick at the corner?
missing a lover badly?
or wondering why the train trip seems to take forever?




if you were given the power to read peoples' minds, would you want it?



I definitely won't.



because some things are left unsaid simply because they're never meant to be revealed to anyone.




knowing more doesn't make you any happier.



and knowing the truth sometimes just makes life miserable.




I can't verbalize the exhaustion I'm feeling right now.
even so, I know I won't be able to sleep.





Sorry, but I don't feel like talking, listening, seeing, moving.
I don't feel alive.

Tell me~*

Things that have flown away.



And so, I let out a sigh of resignation.


1.
Have been spending more time with my piano.

That's really where I seek comfort in, I realized. Just playing random music that I love. 'Reverie' by Debussy, 'Traumerei' by Schumann (a darling), 'Close to You' from Long Vacation and Theme from Forrest Gump...

And of course, Chopin's Nocturne.


I've got a weird habit of leaving just the table lamp in the living room on when I practise Nocturne.
Seemingly bathed in the soft candlelight in the darkness...


Especially when it rains, music flows.


1.5

I'm getting more and more lethargic.
I'm feeling the energy drain out of me.


I don't know what's wrong.



2.
"As we grow up, we are constantly changing, right?"
someone asked me not too long ago.


I gave it a thought and replied,
"Deep down, there'll always be a part of us which remains..."


some things change, while others will not.

And ultimately, I hope that I won't change into somebody I don't want to become.



3.
Back then, when lollipops were never sweet enough.

when nothing beats playing block-catching, ice&water, pretend play...


What is it like to go back to that time again?




4.

People no longer take notice of the beautiful things in the world.


in fact, beauty has taken an entirely new meaning.



where did the beauty of nature, music, arts go?
where did the beauty of inner beauty, sincerity, genuinity and honesty go?


where did the beauty of the old, the young, the innocent, the youthful, the kind go?


Do they matter anymore?

Or have they become less important as compared to superficial beauty?












Where did lasting beauty go?



4.5

"I am fine."

Pretending that everything is alright, even though you're already all rotten and dead within.

Forceful smiles and making jokes that aren't even funny.

Trying too hard to be happy.


Trying too hard to be strong.



I guess,

I'm just not that kind of person.



5.

If only.



5.5
finished watching 'What's Eating Gilbert's Grape'.

heartrending. heartbreaking. heartaching. heartwarming.


6.
Thanks KAREN, somebody, KL-san, Tiffany, K-kun and my dear Lao Mao for all the encouragement :)
I will come and haunt you guys when I'm at the edge between life and death. haha.




6.5.

Am I really the master of my destiny?


Or am I just being thrown around by the waves?



7.

I'm genuinely tired.

Can somebody... just tell me what I need to hear most right now?

Bastard~*

Solitariness

Beautiful, isn't it? This picture of Leah Dizon. From her new photobook 'HEAVEN'.
Click it for a larger version.
For you info, it's HUGE. :)


Have been going out for the past 2 days.
And seems like the last time I was home for dinner was... Sunday? haha.

Going out is supposed to prevent me from letting my mind wander off somewhere else.
But somehow, my mind still wanders elsewhere no matter how hard I try to concentrate on something.

Last night was terrible.
It took me ages and ages to fall asleep.
And I had one of the craziest dreams ever.


I seriously think I'm going mad.


Damn. My horoscope tells me I'll be in a bloody bad mood today.

"Your temper could possibly flare up today for no other reason than a temporary negative influence on your ruling planet.
If you indulge yourself with plenty of relaxing activities, like a long luxurious massage, it will ease the tensions away.
Make sure, therefore, that you enjoy a peaceful, soothing day."

Massage? Anyone? haha.


I'll be going out the entire week.

But I know that it just wont help me.

I'm going to dig out my brain and give it a good wash.


URGHHHHHHHHH.


You, the more I think about you, the more I want to staple your tongue, pour melted iron over your lips, pierce a fork into your eyes, pull out all your hair and teeth, pour salt water all over your bloody wounds and then let you rot to death.

you idiotic idiotic shithead.

Damn you.

You make me so frustrated.
I thought I have stopped thinking about all these. But no.
The more I think about things, the more I realized you were lying to me all along.
The more I realized that you never had any good intentions before.

And you know who you are.

At one moment, I thought I knew you, but in the very next moment, I think I don't know you at all.

"We have come to know each other little by little
But suddenly I find I know nothing about you"

-Because of You by Ayumi

You twist words like there's no tomorrow.
You put words into people's mouths.


YOU'RE ONE BLOODY BASTARD.




I feel much much better now.