Updates~*

The treble clef. Something that I identify with.

Where it all began.


Anyway, it just looks lonely without bass clef, doesn't it?



Mood: nostalgic
Music: Sagittarius by Suemitsu & The Suemith
(back to this song. it was a year ago... yeah)



1.

after the goodbyes, I boarded the bus.

It was drizzling.

A very clear view of the world outside.

I watched the rain.


Followed the trails of the rain.


And listened to Beethoven.
Presto Agitato and Pathetique.
Over and over, over and over.


I was tired. But I couldn't bring myself to sleep.

Because in my mind, there were the most vivid memories ever.


the rain cleansed my mind, rendering all the details crystal clear.
and the memories flooded me.

the emotions I had felt then hit me. hard.

my heart wrenched.


Just like this song.

Never fails to make me recall everything.



it was a year ago...




2.

Sigh.

I feel suffocated by the immense amount of things at hand.

readings (lagging already!!!), assignments, upcoming tests, piano theory exam, piano mini concert, piano practical...


and mabel was still trying very very hard to persuade me to learn driving with her. X_X

not to mention the fact that I got very very interested when I learnt that her bf is learning CELLO&DRUMS. *sparkly eyes*


but still, I think learning a new instrument/learn driving now is just another way of committing suicide.





3.

Felt really really lost when I tried to work on completing a piano piece by Fibich. (question 2 of one of my theory past year papers)


dumbfounded.



I think I'm bad at pitching in the mind.

shit.




4.
Celebrated wenshi's belated TWENTIETH bday today. :)


curry and her are both 20 now.

da jies! :D



5.
Tako gave me a personality test this afternoon.

1. imagine a ball. how big is it?
2. what is it made of?
3. imagine a horse. how does it look like?
4. how near is it to you?
5. imagine a lightning. how near is it to you?
6. imagine a ladder. how long is it?
7. what is it made of?




remember your answers!!!!



Meaning of the questions:
1. the size of your ego.
2. your personality
3. how your boyfriend will look like.
4. how close you 2 are at the moment.
5. how stressed up you are. the closer, the more stressed you are.
6. the number of friends you have.
7. the solidarity of the friendship.




my results:

1. my ego is small.
2. I have a rubbery personality (flexible? not sure though. lol)
3. my boyfriend is going to have a shiny, dark complexion with black hair and relatively tall.
4. it's about 4 steps away from me. so he's pretty close to me.
5. it's relatively far from me. but not too far. (BUT I FEEL DAMN STRESSED)
6. my ladder had no end. inaccurate.
7. wood. -__-





6.

have been feeling relatively down, stressed up and tired since last night.


and my back is itching so freaking badly.



urgh.



7.
I find excitement in trivial, seemingly insignificant things,

for example, I received a msg frm moo sometime ago and it was a math problem/IQ question/brain teaser (as if my brain needs further stimulation. haha)

anyway, once I reached home, I dumped my stuff somewhere and dug for my good ol' calculator and started scribbling the working immediately.


LOL. I had to find the answer.


Tako said it's so jasmine.


Jasmine just can't resist those problems that require brain power ya?


anyway, I found the correct ans in the end and it was really satisfying.
like playing a piano piece flawlessly.

it augments your self-esteem, in a way. HAHAHAHAHA.


and then, I became obsessed with reversi.



that's why I say, jasmine is just... strange.





8.
Nodame Cantabile movie will be screening in singapore. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)



If I'm not wrong, it'll be sometime in december this year.

something to anticipate. :D



9.

"

often, we remember.

we remember

the good & the bad,

those worth remembering and those that are not worthy of our memory space

those times when we drifted along, and those times when we drowned in tears.

as if our lives depend on them.

those memories of ours.

somehow, they constructed our identity.

somehow, they were recalled in past tense.

I miss the past.

that’s why, I feel that many things shouldn’t be forgotten.

because, I don’t want to erase the sole evidence of its existence."

- in-leciel.tumblr.com

It feels funny quoting myself.

10.

There's an award winning film adaptation of Murakami-san's 'On Seeing The 100% Perfect Girl One Beautiful April Morning'.

Just watched a little of it and it seems pretty interesting. :)

11.

you know, I suddenly want to be honest to myself and write about something.

but, I need to hurry up and finish my theory.

so, I'll leave it to next time. lol.

replies~*

hey~* contradictions. I guess we contradict when we don't know what we really want. :)

tuna~* hahaha i'm already reading something relatively happy leh! oh and she is! she just gave birth last yr and I think she has returned to work. :)

Jun~* you're just obsessed with her. your 100% perfect girl. XD

KL-san~* hey how's things??? I hope things are looking good. :) no worries ya? looking at the bright side of things really does help to make unhappy stuff seem more manageable. :)

karen~* hahaha yess. but that was a few days ago? haha. oh INFJ! :) that means we're similar? but I feel im darker than you. haha.

joyce~* HAHA AA la you! ohoh anyway, I'll ask my mum abt the new yr cookies. maybe I'll buy from you. hehe.

Mou~* so must you :) SMILEEEEEEEE! and HUGS!!!!!

ABDX~* LOLOLOLOLOL.

K-kun~* your head. hahaha. NODAME CANTABILE!! :)

goodnight! :)

Updates~*

the 黑社会 at 黑社会

damn cool. :)


Mood: relatively ok
Music: the sound of distant cars every now and then.



1. SCHOOL

And so, tutorial has started.

But I just had 2 tutorials - new media & psychology stats.
(there're still Childhood&Youth (sociology), Bio lab and Social Work next week)

Anyway, taking nm with chong hwee and mabel and boy, can mabel make me laugh. XD
Maybe she just doesn't have the ear for mexican accent. hahahaha!


and I just realized that I'll be seeing her ON EVERY SINGLE DAY THAT I'VE GOT LESSONS.
*faints*


btw, I'm really really dreading even weeks because I've got all 5 tutorials that week. *shudders*


and TAKO, WHAT TO DO WITH THE LAB?! :( I'm quite worried about it.

we'll see how things go then.




2. BOSSES!

Celebrated SG's 25th birthday together with the entire 'clan/gang'.
I'm just really really glad everything turned out as we've planned.

many many thanks to everyone for turning up and making the effort to keep it a secret. :)
SPECIAL THANKS TO MY SIS AND ZELL!

eh. sounds like my birthday. LOL. but still, I'm glad you enjoyed it too!! :)



3. ON WISDOM....


tooth. wait. I meant teeth.


yeah. I just realised I've got 2 wisdom teeth growing on my left and right side.
T_T

thank goodness it's not painful.

(I'VE GOT EXTREME PHOBIA FOR DENTISTS AND ANYTHING THAT HAS GOT TO DO WITH DENTAL CLINICS)




4. Piano

Instead of focusing on my studies and keeping up with the readings, I'm spending much time playing the piano.

Well, it's not so bad if I were practising my exam pieces.

You see, I've gotten so obsessed with trying to perfect my 'Pastel Reflections' by Kevin Kern. And it's NOT GOOD.


but it's a really really nice piece of music! :)



5. MURAKAMI.... NO.

Yeah. I'm not going to succumb to the temptation of heading to the MUR section in the library.
other than 1Q84, I'm not going to touch any of his novels.

for the time being, at least.



and I've put my 'Grotesque' aside too.

(I'm so determined to become positive!!!)


so, I'm currently reading

'The Sunflower Forest' by Torey Hayden.


















credits: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sunflower-Forest-Torey-L-Hayden/dp/0007260946


I've only started, but I'm already anticipating what's going to happen next. :)




6. the Sage


I just did this random personality test on facebook and I got this:

You are: The Sage (INFJ)

In general, INFJs are future oriented, and direct their insight and inspiration toward the understanding of themselves and, thereby, human nature. Their work mirrors their integrity, and it needs to reflect their inner ideals. Solitude and an opportunity to concentrate thoroughly on what counts most is important to them. INFJs prefer to quietly exert their influence. They have deeply felt compassion, and they desire harmony with others. INFJs understand the complexities existing within people and among them. They do not call a great deal of attention to themselves, preferring that their contributions speak for them. They are at their best concentrating on their ideas, ideals, and inspirations...


http://apps.facebook.com/my-type/test/results?test=jung&uid=543378


and there are some pretty accurate points:


- They are not likely to enjoy large parties, but prefer intimate groups of close and long-standing friends
- prefer occupations that focus on the big picture, involve conceptual awareness, and lead to a better understanding of the spiritual, emotional, or future needs of people. They want their work to have impact and meaning and for it to bring them admiration and respect.

- According to available research, some occupations (in alphabetical order) seem to be especially attractive to INFJs: clergy, education consultant, English teacher, fine arts teacher, librarian, marketeer, psychiatrist, psychologist, scientist, social worker, and other occupations that allow INFJs an opportunity to make their own creative contribution.

- INFJs want to give love and to be loved. They enter into relationships just to be cared for, even when the person is not right for them and they suspect it.

- They may obsess about the relationship and their role in its failure. INFJs may blame themselves and experience a period of mourning. If they do not marshall their resources, externalize their feelings, and take risks to move on, they may experience a long period of self-examination.

- They tend to become attracted to someone special and prefer this one deep relationship over many superficial ones.




haha. I used to be an INFP, if I'm not wrong. But anyway, I believe it's accurate as of the day I took the test. So maybe, some time later, my results would give me ESTP. haha.


But nevertheless, I can relate to many things, such as the part about meaning and impact on the society, and about attempting to understand human beings. Not to mention the friendship part. And again, they list 'psychologist' and 'social worker' as my ideal occupation!! haha.

But let's just take that lightly. :)




7. what is inside.


you know, there're so many things out there in the world waiting for us to figure out.

and I'm not talking about scientific theories, UFOs and the black hole.


I'm talking more about abstract ideas, values and thoughts that we take for granted.


we're taught and socialized to think this way, to accept things as they are and to abide by a certain set of invisible rules as we grow up and in the process of learning.


so much so that, we have really lost what's deep inside us.



what were the burning flame of our OWN principles and beliefs.



instead of having a world coloured by an array of colours, we have a pretty much monochromatic one.

it's just about right and wrong.



but who is to dictate what's right and wrong?



then again, if not for the set of invisible set of rules, our world will be in a state of anarchy.



so, may those beliefs rest in peace.






eh. why am I thinking of such weird things?!!??!
(it's the time of the night)




8. Ma Vie En Rose

aka 'My Life in Pink'






































Watched this vid for my sociology class today.

My heart went out for Ludovic.


if not for the fact that I'm in a LT, I might've teared.
(yeah. jasmine has a brittle heart)


but seriously, what if it's YOUR CHILD.


what if YOUR CHILD is a boy who wishes to be a girl?


what would you do then?

(will talk about this sociologically nxt time. LOL)


9. Kira kira

received a huge sparkly box of pineapple tarts from K-kun. :)

arigatou~! :D:D

I guess ':D' is still appropriate. :)



10. remembering.

I just joined a group on facebook - 'Passing by places and remembering all that happened there."

when I saw it, I joined it without hesitation.
because it's just too... apt to use on me.


I do it all the time.
Recalling and remembering.
digging up old memories and reliving them all over again.


It's a bit like opening old wounds.
It's a bit like going through the pain once more.


but, it's a lot like reliving the joy and be grateful for the wonderful things that happened. :)


We can't 'just forget' because we want to forget.
and definitely can't 'just move on' because we have to move on.


eventually, it all boils down to attaching the right emotions to the right memory.


we're the dictator of our own emotions.
not that we're controlled by our emotions.


if we choose to remember it as
'happy that it happened', then reliving those memories are sheer joy.

but if we choose to remember it as
'unhappy that it happenED and wishing that it is happenING', then memories are a pain in the ass.


it's completely up to us.

not 'what it should've been'
but 'what it was'.



Ok. since when am I so positive?


I'm not so strong myself, either.
when I don't verbalize them, it doesn't mean I don't understand what 'hurt' is.
and when I wrote what I wrote, it doesn't mean I'm a saint who has become enlightened and perhaps happy forever.


which is just rubbish.


I am, but, only human.


and I'm learning, too.





10.

something extremely random:

polaroid photos are really really nicer than normal photos!!! :D





ok I ought to be sleeping.

bye people! :)

Haiti~*

I just can't bear to listen to or watch anymore news about the Haiti earthquake.

You hear their cries, you see their desperation and despair.
You hear about the miracles. But at the same time, you hear about the deaths, as if there's never an end to the ever-increasing figure.



Worse, the road to recovery is going to be much, much tougher.

“It’s a miracle,” said Anne-Marie Morel, raising her arms to the sky after a neighbor was found alive in the rubble of a home. If one person could be resuscitated from the utter destruction of this street, there remained hope that many other could still be found alive, she said.

“Nonsense, there is no God and no miracle,” shouted back Remi Polevard, another neighbor, who said his five children were somewhere under the nearby debris.

“How could He do this to us?” Polevard yelled.

-credits: http://www.khaleejtimes.com/DisplayArticle09.asp?xfile=data/international/2010/January/international_January874.xml&section=international



My heart really broke.




We can carry on with our lives as if none of these are of any concern to us.
Since we're so geographically apart, anyway.

We can pass it up for 'just another catastrophe' and don't give it any second thought.

We can think that their government should be responsible, Haitians themselves should help themselves etc etc... (to help themselves... how do they even start?)


But, the reason (we only need one) why we should stop for a moment and pray for them is that




they are our fellow human beings.

Come what may~*

For some unknown reason, I'm actually feeling HAPPY.

HAHAHA can you believe it?!



you see, when it seems as if things are nicely in place, your mind is at ease and there're things to look forward to, naturally, you'll feel happy. :)



maybe it's the caffeine (making my heart beat extra fast)

or the fact that I'm chatting with karen :)
or the fact that I finally met up with the girls :)
or the fact that my bio lecturer's real nice :)
or the fact that I enjoy attending the same lecture with tako :)
or the fact that things are no longer awkward between us. :)
or the fact that I'm smiling and laughing genuinely with them. :)
or the fact that I played 'Pastel Reflections' :)
or the fact that it's WEEKENDS! :)
or the fact that there're 5 more days!! :)
or the fact that tutorials haven't start yet. (eh. what a lousy reason)
or the fact that I'm remembered? :)


or simply just the fact that I'm already grateful for the things I have/am experiencing now?




anyway, I hope it's not temporary. (I HOPE)


something super hilarious:


bio lecturer: I was very concerned with my hair loss issue, so I consulted my GP and requested for a presciption to solve the prob. but in the end, the doc didn't give me the medicine. instead, he asked me to look at the bright side of things.

'Instead of thinking that you're losing hair, think of it as you're gaining face!'





LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Jas: I need to get a tube.
Joyce: go fox. I think there should have. what tube you want?
Jas: plastic.


XDDDDDDDD ok but that's a joke alright? I didn't get my tube in the end anyway. (whichever tube im referring to. HAHAHAHAH)


Joyce: do you rmb all those ugly neoprints we used to take?
Jas: and the things we wrote on the pics.
Joyce: 2/5 R-A-W-K-S.
Jas&Yy: yahhhh!!!
Jas: there was a pic we took tgt in sec sch and I still rmb we wrote 'CHIO' on it.
Joyce&yy: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




totally disgusting. but it's so funny!!!!!! HAHAHAHHAHA!!
silly things we used to do back then. XDDDD




Anyway,


I went back to listen to all the songs I was crazy about.

Like, songs by Air Supply.

So, so nostalgic :)



'Making Love out of Nothing At All', 'Every Woman in the World', 'Goodbye', 'Two Less Lonely People in the World', 'I Can Wait Forever'...


and I realized that 'Come What May' is just so...
you girls' tender hearts are so gonna melt if your guy ever sings it to you. :)







So, darn sweet! :D

"And when it seems my dreams
Have all slipped through my fingers
When they just can't be found
I turn around and there they are
Shining in her eyes..."

definitely heart-melting-worthy. OLDIES FTW!!!!!!

ahhhh. girls, that's the way we should be appreciated, right? hahahhahahahahaha!

The silence~*

"What would happen if one day, for no reason, no one believes a word you say? It happens, you know."



And so, I finally completed 'The Elephant Vanishes' by Murakami-san.

the 2nd last story 'The Silence' almost made me cry.

If not for the fact that I was on the train.


Because, I could relate to it so, so well.



"And this group never entertains even a silver of doubt that they could be wrong.

They think nothing of hurting someone, senselessly, permanently...

They're the real monsters.

They're the ones I have nightmares about.

In those dreams, there's only the silence.

And these faceless people...



and I'm screaming, but no one hears."


- 'The silence' from 'The Elephant Vanishes' by Murakami-san.






Anyway, I went back to re-read my 2009 entries...
and I found many many things that I wrote which still resonate.


the tears, the happiness, the trivial, the thoughts.

definitely an enriching trip down the memory lane.



And, I had a seriously bad dream last night.
about a heated argument over someone's dead baby.

...Ok I know it sounds ridiculous.
but eh, I woke up feeling really horrible. >.<



SHIT.
I almost forgot I've got classes tomorrow. Or today. whatever.

that's the downside of having thursday as your off-day!!


(alright. I shouldn't complain)

amai dreams people!

contradictions~*

credits: photobucket




always, always,

the light will shine through.

definitely.





I'm really a bunch of contradictions.




1. I'm a self-confessed pessimist, but when it comes to cheering people up/offering advices/offering a listening ear, I become ultra optimistic.




2. I love gory shows. the more blood and internal organs spilling out the better.
But I don't particularly enjoy injections and piercings.




3. I love the ocean. I enjoy being near to sources of water.
But I have slight phobia for water.




4. Deep inside, my thoughts are dark and intense and... negative.
But I portray a vibrant/cheerful/amusing/even demure(?!) image.




5. I'm actually not much of a talker. and don't particularly enjoy being in crowds and social events.
But to some people, I talk a lot and appear very friendly.




6. I am definitely NOT an attention-seeker,
but I have a blog (hahaha.)

(but to clarify this, I don't write to attract attention or to let the whole world know what I'm doing, but more for myself... to keep track of myself.)



7. I'm lazy like nuts, but I always prefer walking to taking a bus (for short distances).



8. I have (very) low self-esteem

but, hardly anyone knows.





to digress a little,

I remember when I was young(er), somebody told me that being too nice is not good. because it makes you appear as a hypocrite.

I didn't believe it at first. But after several years, I know that that's essentially the truth.

not entirely about the hypocrite part, but more about being too nice is not that good.

it causes misunderstandings. and if you don't clarify things, it turns into a big, big monster.


I used to think that I've got a bunch of overly-logical+down-to-earth friends who are too critical of people and the world around them. (cannot be overly trusting of people)
But it's precisely because I've got them with me, that's why I can be who I am today.
not the dreamy and naive stupid girl I used to be.
and I'm eternally grateful for those girls.

like, eternally. :)





Anyway, back to me being contradictory, with erratical thoughts yet normal (or so it seems. lol) behaviour,

I can't help but wonder who am I, really?

but I've had enough of such un-answerable questions.




to a dear friend,

please have a little more faith in yourself.
you know what they say, hope is the last thing you lose.
so don't lose that hope.
and don't worry, things are not as bad as you think. :)
when u're down like in B18, the only way to go is up.
so think about it this way. it's just preparing you for some good things coming up in your life.
it's kind of strange, but life usually won't remain as a plateau for long.

and really, you'll find the other tree. :)

cheeeeeeeer up!



I'm learning to count my blessings every single night.
and I hope you will, too! :)




goodnight people. <3

updates~*

credits: photobucket.


Mood: 会いたい。


1.

And so, love is essentially everything we need + a sprinkle of spice + happiness that one who has never been loved would not know of.

knowing that someone is always ready to give you everything that you would ever need in your life, to the best of one's abilities.

without hesitation, without second thoughts.

It's as if the person one loves is all that matters.


And so, love is really amazing.
It brings out the best in a person. but if you go over the edge, it brings out the worst.
It enters your brain, alters your thinking, flood you with emotional highs and lows.

so, so amazing.




Got inspired by my sis's bf's blog entry on relationships and there are in fact many many things I agree with.

Nothing should be forced upon anybody.
Love the person as she/he is, not who you want them to be.
If you want him/her to change for the sake of your convenience, then this is a relationship doomed to fail.
Because basically, you're not loving him/her.
you just enjoy watching a little play put up by him/her, no?

and no play lasts forever.



2.

recently, my blog has become a breeding ground for melancholy and wistfulness as well as bitterness.

and so, I shall talk about something happier.























currypok's twentieth! <3
with wenshi, peiyun, ruzi, junxiu and her sis (really cute).
and so darn coincidentally, we ran into singhun! :)
Coincidence. simply perplexing.

Not that I'm complaining, though. anyway, curry received one of the most flattering comments.


"You look SOOO young! :D"

hahaha. I think I can feel her smiling even till now.




3.

Kim Gary ftw!

hot date with my bosco. hehehe.



4.

Anyway, last night I had a strange dream.

It's all obscure now but I could still remember that it involved some seriously out-of-my-circle-of-friends people and some ridiculously twisted events.


oh well, it's just pure out-of-whack.

I don't even know why I'm talking about this anyway. =_=




5.

Just read a terribly sad news on Ayu and somehow, it stirred something within me.

"this is the meaning of my existence..."


I've been going on and on about my future being bleak and uncertain.
(and I'm sure people are getting tired of it. haha)

Anyway, then what about this big thing called

'meaning of existence'?


okok.
I can even hear you guys yawn from afar.



anyway,
this thing about ayu's news has made me feel really...

sad for the world.

How do you feel when the world has high expectations of you?
and when there's just simply too much weight on your shoulders?



the bottomline is,

the world is never forgiving. especially towards people who are expected to perform.





6.























:)

for some strange reason, I've been missing many of my good friends lately...
I guess it's a school-reopening thing.

too used to seeing them around during the holidays.
now that everybody's busy with school (I myself included), it's always difficult to meet up.

Nevertheless, it doesn't stop me from yearning to see them and missing them.
(yikes. sounds so ...)


haha anyway,
sometimes, towards the end of the day,
after the sun sets, when the surroundings turn tranquil and serene,

I would think and reflect.

and feel really really grateful for having those people in my life.
count my blessings. (one of my resolutions... right?)


It's scary to think about what life would've been without them.
so, really, sometimes we should be grateful. really really grateful. :)

thank you.




7.

this is going to be my motto from now on:

知足常乐


8.

just a little something to share.

does anyone know what's one of my favourite flowers?

a symbol of innocence. :)




9.

time table finally finalized.

start late, end late. sigh.



10.

the pursuit of happiness.

I'm not even sure if I will be able to reach it eventually.

nevertheless, I hope that the people around me will be able to. :)




Replies!

Mou~* take care my dear. lucks in school! and hang in there till we meet k? :)

KL-san~* hahahaha! I'm a straight ok? I only LOOK at girls. LOOK. anyway, please practise your piano diligently. must surpass ruzi! XD

Tiffany~* please. you EAT books.

Joyce~* haha it's good to know what you really want. :) ... as for me, I'm really just taking one step at a time and see where it leads me to. but that's kind of sad, right? letting your feet deciding for yourself instead of your mind.

Kin~* what's that? sounds sick. haha. suits you totally. together with X rated stuff. =X





"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory."

-- Rita Mae Brown


haha so true. bye people!

tortoise without shell~*

credits: photobucket.

She smiled weakly. "This was never any place I was meant to be. This isn't a place for me."

I forced words out: "There are some things about myself I can't explain to anyone. There are some things I don't understand at all. I can't tell what I think about things or what I'm after. I don't know what my strengths are or what I'm supposed to do about them. But if I start thinking about these things in too much detail, the whole thing gets scary. And if I get scared, I can only think about myself. I become really self-centered, and without meaning to, I hurt people. So I'm not such a wonderful human being."


- 'A Slow Boat to China' from 'The Elephant Vanishes' by Murakami Haruki

It reverberated in my heart.
deeply.


1.13am.

I was really, genuinely tired and worn out.
That was until I chanced upon this big chunk of words.
(while waiting for my hair to dry, I decided to finish up the novel)


Ok. this is going to be another strange entry so please try and follow my train of thoughts.


1.

Who are you?

Have you even been so, so confused about differentiating who you are from who you yearn to be and from who you're supposed to be that you just want to give in and thrust your life into the hands of another person?

Ok that's quite difficult to digest.

Nevertheless, what I'm trying to say is that

I don't know who I am.
I don't think I can become who I yearn to be.
and hence, I'm trying to be who I'm supposed to be.


which is all wrong.


instead, it should be:
I know who I am.
I'm trying to be who I yearn to be.
I don't give a damn about who I'm supposed to be.


Right?





2.

Shed your skin.
Once in a while.

Go under your skin.
Think beyond what's visible.

A pessimist would say, "The world is a facade. People are just plain pretentious."
An optimist would say, "The world is beautiful. People are living strong and are kind by nature."

Whichever is right?

My dear, there will never be an answer.




3.

Bipolar.
Worlds apart.

It's interesting,
how 2 people can be living on the same planet, in the same country, speaking the same language, of the same gender, received the same level of education

yet are living in 2 different worlds.


simplicity versus complexity.



4.

what you and I are going through at the moment is totally different.


your life experiences differ completely from mine, hence the differences in our perspectives towards many things.

therefore, many things in life are subjective, aren't they?


one's life can be extremely dramatic and filled with extreme ups and downs, twists and turns
while the other is as tranquil and simple as a gentle lake, occasionally decorated with a gentle ripple.


Why?


What determines what kind of life we lead, what kind of perspectives we would have?



Why are you so optimistic and I'm not?
Why do you think people are genuinely kind and I don't?
Why are you able to wake up every morning feeling blessed and lucky to be alive while I wish there's no tomorrow?

Why?


Is it a genetic thing?
Or the environment you're brought up in?
All the various influences people had on you?


Take things as they are, you might tell me.
don't delve in too deep.

leave the carpet as it is, don't sweep underneath it.


simplify and not complicate matters further.


I know. I've always known.





5.

Isn't it lonely not to have anyone sharing your view?


So, I'd rather keep them to myself and believe whatever I'm supposed to believe.

Is that better, then?



6.

So many questions.

no answers are required.


well, what did I expect, anyway?


Till today, I'm still wondering why I think and feel so much.
People my age don't usually question such things, do they? (or am I over-generalizing?)

Basically, they think it's pointless and redundant,
which I agree wholeheartedly.


What's the point of pondering about the complexity of life, the value of human beings, the meaning of living?
What's the point of questioning things that are there for you to believe?
What's the point in scrutinizing every event in your life and making sure all questions are answered?

What a waste of braincells, no?


Why not take things as they are and live with it.
Life becomes so simple.


I get annoyed by my mind sometimes.


I wish I were simple minded and behave like a machine.




DON'T ASK, DON'T DOUBT, DON'T THINK, DON'T FEEL.




life would be much easier.






in this entry,
I'm like a tortoise without shell.

Good reads~*

Have you ever wondered what goes on behind this thing called 'coincidence'?


This morning, at approximately 10.45am,
since the TV show I was watching is having its commercial break, out of sheer boredom, I switched to channel 43 - NHK channel.

the programme that was showing was a programme on intellects recommending books.
and this really beautiful lady was talking about a book.
since it's in japanese and there's no subs, I had difficulties interpreting what she's talking about.

about 3 mins into the programme and I'm still clueless.
Just when I was about to switch back to my tv prog, they were showing image of a suicide scene and subsequently, the word '死' was shown.

Ok, so besides the pretty lady, this word has caught my attention.
they had this re-enactment of a scene from the novel which I presume to be the final scene.

Then, rows and rows of japanese words appeared on the screen (quotes from the novel).


for some strange reason, they all seem very very familiar, somehow.
I could only figure out bits and pieces but it definitely relates to something in the back of my mind.

Then, the narrator said '渡辺’and ’直子' and'みどり’.
(watanabe, naoko and midori)


my heartbeat tripled.


So, just as I've remembered,
they're quotes and scenes from

the intensely heart-wrenching, bitter-sweet, memory-triggering novel.
my favourite novel
'Norwegian Wood'.





What's the chance and probability of me watching this programme?

1. usually, I would've switched the channel immediately (if not for the pretty woman catching my attention. and the strange, sad expression on her face)

2. then again, I quickly lost interest in her but gained interest because of the word '死' which means 'death'.

3. and when the rows and rows of japanese words appeared, I was tempted to switch channel again, if not for (from piecing up the bits and pieces that I understand) finding the quotes being extremely familiar. It really bugged me. Plus the scene of the suicide.



Maybe it's really not that a big deal.

But out of the many many hundreds and perhaps thousands of authors,
why 村上春樹??
and of all his novels, WHY 'ノルウェイの森,'?!?!?!?!


and of all the programmes, why would I happen to watch this programme (that I would normally dismiss as boring since I could hardly understand anything)??



that's what I call coincidence.




maybe I'm being melodramatic.
but still. it's so coincidental, it gives me the creeps.



waiting, waiting.
I'm still waiting for murakami haruki's '1Q84' in english.
the chinese translation was released much earlier.

"A young boy and girl meet. And they fall in love. From that point of view it’s a simple story. But something happens and the two of them go to the dark side of the moon. (Courrier 19)"

credits: http://neojaponisme.com/2009/07/28/loss-and-recovery-1q84-and-murakamis-sunken-continent/

a 1055 page long novel.
highly anticipated, highly secretive, highly ambitious.


can't wait, really. :)




by the way,
after completing 'The elephant vanishes', I'm going to move onto

Natsuo Kirino's 'Grotesque'.

many many good reviews for this novel. so I hope I won't be disappointed.



venture into the darkness, once more.


heheheddhehehe.

Life still goes on~*

Laughing and jumping and running on the green green grass.

IF ONLY LIFE IS LIKE THIS.




1.

"Sometimes, I don't know, it scares me. The future."

"You have to make an effort to always look at the good side, always think about the good things. Then you've got nothing to be afraid of. If something bad comes up, you do more thinking at that point."

"But what if things don't work out the way you want them to?"

"If they don't work out, that's when you think again."

She gave a little laugh. "You're as strange as ever."


- 'Family Affair' from 'The Elephant Vanishes' by Murakami Haruki

Last night, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, watching random shadows, listening to the groans of the air-con,

I was suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of immense confusion and helplessness.


"I cannot see my future. At all."


And at that point of time, I started to wonder if I even have one at all.

People often talk about it in future tense. Or rather, we're SUPPOSED to talk about it in future tense.
But for me, anytime, it's going to become present tense.

I don't know what I'm going to do.
I have no idea what kind of person I'll become.
I don't even know where I'm heading.

All the questions I'm asking are all open-ended.
Anything is possible.


Don't you wish you were given a guide to life, which tells you exactly what to do at each stage?
But then again, what would 'living' be like?



And currently, what am I doing to myself? Who am I? Where am I? How did I even get here in the first place?


a crisis.


To simplify matters, I should just go with the flow, do what I'm SUPPOSED to do and see what happens next.

Is that the 'safest' route to take in handling my own life?
Probably yes.





2.

People ask me, 'What's holding me back?'

Exactly. What's holding me back? I want to ask myself.


It's time to step out of safe zone, and be fair to the people around me.
perhaps ultimately, to be fair to myself too.




3.
"Laughing, crying, I met myself"

I rmb I wrote that somewhere sometime ago.

So true.



In the darkest of the nights, loneliest moments, tears are the only ones being honest to you.




4.
Disclaimer:
I'm not being overly emotional again okkkkk????
I'm just putting some random thoughts into words.

hahahah.



5.
Try too hard.

Sometimes, I feel I try too hard to be myself, or rather, who I'm SUPPOSED to be.
Oh no, please don't think that I'm talking about the fact that me being emotional or pessimistic is because people think I'm like that.

No.

Rather, I'm talking about expectations people have on me.


But seriously, what choices do we have, right?



6.
at this very moment,

someone cried, someone got promoted, someone is watching tv, someone is using facebook, students are dozing off in class, people are laughing, someone is having twister fries, someone died, someone kissed, a new child is born, questions are answered, someone is having a headache, the bad guy just did something bad, someone is taking the train, answering a phone, dancing, working, thinking, feeling, dreaming, sleeping, shouting, quarreling, comforting, speaking, smiling...

ultimately,

LIFE GOES ON WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

After dark~*

credits: photobucket

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy.
Her heart.

- Melanie Griffith

And I agree wholeheartedly, since I was deeply touched by Chopin's music before.
(hence this crazy hug)

So,
ask me what I'm doing here at 12.24am when I've got school tomorrow. haha.


1. 'WHAT IF...'

I played the 'What if...' situational game with SG.
And I think I'm getting addicted to it.

Somehow, I figured out that deep down, I forgive more than I should.
Eh. How do I put it?

"What will you do if you see your girlfriend/boyfriend sleeping with your best friend?"

okay. The normal response would probably be to break up immediately/ignore your friend forever/fight/kill them etc.
But for me, if I really really love them, I'll choose to forgive and try to close one eye.

Of course, it differs from a case to case basis.
If they are really tormented by guilt, then I might just pretend that nothing happened...
It will definitely hurt like crazy but... I think losing them both will hurt even more, won't it?

However, on the other hand, trust will have to be built from scratch.
And it might sound insane, but I think I'll be more hurt by my best friend than by my boyfriend.

I can't exactly explain it but it's something to do with the amount of time and effort put into building that solid relationship/trust between both of you. (or so you think it's solid)


Then I threw another question (to the girls).

"What if he slept not with your best friend but with your sister?"

HAHAHA. I'm damn evil.


But I have no idea how I would respond. I might just go insane and refuse to look at her ever again.
But then again... I'm really just soft-hearted.


What do you think you'd do?




2. Things that are meant to be forever. Really?

"If eternity exists, then perhaps, some things are really meant to last forever."
Is that possible?

for one,
I'm somebody who thinks that to be able to meet the people you meet, to be able to love the people you love and to be able to smile, laugh, enjoy being with the people you enjoy being with, trust them, care for them, and receive their care and love in return

is pure miracle.


Because of that, there is always a fierce want for this relationship to last and never end.

Beyond death, even. (if that's possible)


But honestly speaking,
I don't know how long things can last,
because eventually, memories fade, emotions become less strong,
you get used to not having the people around.

Getting used to the absence.
That's probably the reason why two people no longer become that dependent on each other.
And that's when they start to drift apart.

"Why bother to stay in contact when we can live without each other?" one may ask.

We, people who often think that way, often focus too much on what we can do without them and fail to think about what we can do with them.

It's that simple, really.


We get used to their absence, we fill in the gaps where they've been, we allow the happy memories to slip through cracks in our minds, we replace their positions in our hearts with somebody else...

all the little things we do unknowingly.

and soon, poof! they're out of our lives. probably for good.




3.
It's 1.01am.

(this reminds me of MH's 'Afer Dark')

ok. the time when hidden thoughts start running into consciousness.

'Fragile words. Arbitrary world. Monochromatic thoughts.'

What am I really trying to say?


Fragile words.
words convey meaning that can be easily misinterpreted, misunderstood, forgotten.

words are, sadly, mere words.
mere alphabets, squiggles, symbols.

we are the people attaching meanings to them.

I can write a 3475023847284 page long blog entry.
one can read every single word and digest them.
another can scan through it like some random ads on the pamphlet.

"I am happy."

one can interpret it such that it's a genuine statement.
another can think it's just a sarcastic remark.
another can just pass it up as nonsense.

actions speak louder than words.
definitely.
and hence words are really rather subjective and... fragile.


Arbitrary world.
There's just waaaaaaaaaaay toooo many uncertainties in this world.
How can you even be certain of ANYTHING AT ALL?

call me pessimistic or what. but that's essentially the truth, isn't it?
there's never a definite answer. claims that debunk claims always appear.

and one moment, here you are, feeling as if you've got the whole world in your hand.
the next, you feel as if your life is a complete joke.

one moment, you feel loved.
another, you feel devoid of love.

never stationary. never, ever definite.

lay out impressive plans, only to get them all messed up.

we've all had our share of such instances, haven't we?



Monochromatic thoughts

that just applies to me.
sometimes, I feel my thoughts are devoid of colours.

in fact, I can't even pinpoint whether I THINK more or I FEEL more.

still rmb I did this personality test thing on joyce's itouch.

"People think you're pessimistic. But actually you're just being real."


realistic = pessimistic?

that's really... quite sad.



4.
It's 1.14am and I'm as awake as an owl (whatever that means --> Joyce).

I've got to wake up in approx 7 hours.

anyway, today (or rather, yesterday), marks the end to my holidays.
time to find back my geeky self.


And,
I can foresee that I'm gonna be super broke this month.



Alright. I guess it's about time to turn in.
bye people. and really, thanks for putting in the effort to read this lengthy and strange entry. :)


random:





















TEHPENG/JUNEDAYS. :D

tiredddd~*

The stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun
When you read my mind

- 'Read my mind' by The Killers

Mood: exhausted. mentally, physically.
Music: 'Who'd of known' by Lily Allen.


Are there moments when you feel... so exhausted that you can't even muster the strength to smile?


I'm currently very very very tired. pls kindly ignore my grammatical errors.

Mentally,

1.
I'm worn out by CORS and bidding.
It's damn tiring to rack your mind to come up with mods to take which won't clash with your other mods... (cos you can't get the mods you want)

All in all, I don't quite dare to foresee what's to come for my coming sem...
Mods that are all over the place and which differ completely from my initial plan...

Sigh.

But on the bright side, I've got Thursday off. (at least, I hope so)




2.
I've got TONS of theory homework due nxt sat.
and on top of that, I gotta go back and refresh my memory on the exam pieces that I memorized ages ago.

And as if that's not enough,
there's gonna be A CONCERT IN JUNE.

oh crap.


"So, for this week, complete 2 sets of exam papers plus practise your 'Alligator Crawl'. Gotta perform it for my students nxt week. Oh, and we're going to complete your first piece by cny."

T_T



3.
School is starting.

no waaaaaaaaaaaay.

and it's tutorial balloting. URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!



4.
many, many more things bugging me at the back of my mind.



the shopping trip with my sis must've sucked the energy out of me.

alright. hopefully the next entry will be a much happier one.


Introducing...........


















TEH-PENG. :)


oh yes. something funny to share with you guys.


Jas: hey, you guys know iced tea and iced coffee are actually cancer-causing?? (Joyce told me this, btw)
Wenshi&Ruzi: AHHH!!! IZZIT????!!!! O_O;;
Jas: yes!!!!!
KL: so what do you guys wanna drink?
Ruzi: Iced milk tea.
Wenshi: Iced yuan yang.


=______________________________=;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

bidding = horror~*

woohoo! yy no.1, yy no.2 and yy no.3. =)


Monitoring the bidding process makes me want to throw up.

the number of bidders just keep increasing. and I've already dumped all my points into the 2 mods that I REALLY REALLY hope to get. If not, my entire timetable will be in a mess again.

and you know what? I got a super strong feeling I won't get it.
highest bid points (as of the morning) are 2295 and 1954 while I only have 820 points for 2 mods combined. ha.ha.ha.



CORS really drive people mad.


























Christmas K buffet.

shit I look drunk. but all I drank was just hot honey lemon. =_=
(the people around me look more drunk. HAHAHAHAHAH =X)


ok. that's just for some self amusement. I'm back to worrying.

to be deleted~*

I realized that past 12 midnight, my mood is rubbish.

Damn sian about everything. from bidding to school reopening to piano to my entire life.

sometimes, I really ponder about the mechanisms behind mood swings.
does it work like domino effect?
once I start at it, everything just turns from vivid colours to monochrome.


everything will seem wrong and well, wrong.
like playing clashing notes and chords on the piano.

and my life is seemingly the shittiest thing ever.


what stupid, narrow and nonsensical thoughts!



this is a redundant post. to be deleted.

Strange, little thoughts~*

Yearn to read my 'The Elephant Vanishes' by Murakami, sitting next to the window on a nice, rainy afternoon, with Astrud Gilberto on the stereo.

A lazy, lazy day.


steady.
stream of rain, rhythm of the song, heartbeat.



1. Headache over Mods.

After some intensive planning, tentatively,
JASMINE HAS NO FREE DAY IN SEM 2.

well done, girl.



2. Holidays never seem enough.
and school is starting next week.

Last week of holidays!
No time to waste!! (but I've got a ton of theory homework & piano pieces smirking at me. shit.)


3. Somehow, songs by The Killers really really appeal to me.

'Read My Mind'

credits to the pv (really cute) too. :)


4.
"You've changed."

"Changed?????"

"You've changed in a positive way."


have I???
these days, many people have been evaluating me. haha.
some really sweet people actually feel I've become more positive, which is #$*#@$&@(#*4 untrue, imo.hahaha.
and some feel that I've become more willing to experiment and step into unknown territories.
while my sis just feel that if I become evil, I'll become REALLY EVIL.

haha... so don't provoke me eh! XDDD

whatever it is, I don't know for sure.

because who can truly look inside me?
down down to the very bottom of my heart, the very inside of my mind?

because,

a smile never ever equates to genuine happiness.
and a frown never equals unfriendliness or hostility.


some things are just not meant to be taken at face value.

delve in, in and in.

but then again, will we like what we discover?



5. You once told me, 'words are just words. action speaks louder than words.'






























6. What happens if you wake up tomorrow and realize that the past 5 years you've lived are just a mere dream?
and you're back to year 2005?

will you live as you have lived?

or take an alternative route and venture into a world of uncertainties?


It's kind of cool, when you think about it.

You'll start to wonder, will you meet the people you've met?

you'll look into the face of a good friend of yours only to get a blank look.
you'll look into the eyes of a lover only to see emptiness in his or her eyes.

"Here I am! You're my lover/best friend 5 years from now!!"

"Who are you?"


No familiarity at all. Everything is as blank as a blank piece of paper.
with data all wiped out.
all memories nulled.


is that a good thing?

To start everything from scratch.

Then, will we still live a life of regrets?




7. Whatever does it mean to 'Act your age'?

Whoever said that if you're twenty, you gotta start clubbing, drinking, partying your life away, splurge on branded stuff and make up, stay as far away from your parents as possible?

So, if I choose not to do any of the above,
am I not twenty?
am I not a female?
am I a social outcast?
am I an ancient relic?
am I a frigid old maid?
am I a disgusting nerd?


It's peculiar, how the world is socialized to think that way.
(sociology sociology!!)

anyway, I beg to differ.


because personally, what twenty means to me is probably the way you treat people and the way you think.

time for perspectives to be broadened, hearts to be widened.




because when you're twenty, the world is not so kind and forgiving towards you anymore.



alright. enough of strange little thoughts. :)


Replies!~*

KL-san~* what's that?! haha u bookmark this page izzit? haha. anw glad u finally figured out the music thingy! oh and all the best for ur surgery! :)

Ruzi~* HAHAHA no worries! i'm striving towards my 100% attendance level of health like I was in aj. :) and thanks for your lovely xmas card! TXN TXN TXN! :D

Karen~* yup relinked! and all the best for ur school! may homework and assignments lessen. XD

laomao~* yeah lor!!! is school starting soon for you? :)

my new year~*

credits: photobucket

and so, hello year 2010. :)


had a fulfilling 1st Jan and I conclude that Earl Grey's one of my fav teas now. :)
and district 10 is better than district 9. LOL.
and I met another group of awesome people. =)


I still rmb, when the clock struck 12am, I just turned around and asked,

"What's the difference between now and a minute ago?"

haha. oh well. Like I always say, things hold no significance until you attach meaning to them.

so, you can choose to react in 2 ways.

"IT'S YEAR 2010!!! A NEW BEGINNING FOR ALLLLL!!! :D:D:D:D:D"

or

"oh."


either way, whether you like it or not, it's time to change a calendar and look forward to a new round of 12 months.


so, for me,
countdown = steamboat + switching between TVBS and NHK channel and having a bunch of lethargic and sleepy people around me. haha.



and I got woken up by stupid Nic at some crazy hour.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR MOLI~~~~~~~~~~! :D:D:D:D"

(in the background, "Moli is jasmine la.")

and he asked me to play mahjong. =___________=




anyway,
A truly explosive opening to NHK 60th Kouhaku 2009. (Japan's countdown concert)




and so, this awesome performance marks the end of my year 2009. :)


anticipating much for the coming year?
nah. not really. for this year, tranquility, simplicity and simple happiness is enough. :)

hope you guys will have a great year ya?