[Random thoughts accumulated over the past months + a sudden urge to put them down + I don't have a lot of energy to write = my writing is going to be really lazy, please pardon me.]
1. "There's more to life than work."
It suddenly dawned on me that, probably only the privileged are able to say this.
And emotions such as boredom are really a... luxury.
2. "I'm thankful that I didn't grow up with social media."
Unless you count Friendster and MSN as social media... hmm, well, I guess they are sort of like SNS, but you get what I mean.
I think if I were to have that kind of access to SNS like I do now, I probably would've turned out very differently. Possibly very, very messed up (even more messed up than I currently am, heh).
So I really don't envy the adolescents who have to navigate through the nonsense. I know there are pluses, but honestly speaking, when I look at the impact it has on adults who have perfectly developed (I think) prefrontal cortexes, I wonder how detrimental it could be on the younger ones.
Cliched as it sounds, I really do miss the simpler days.
3. "As long as the Earth, Sun, and Moon exist, everything will be alright"
EVANGELION. Where do I even start?
I finally watched the rebuild movie series, which was so good, and triggered so many thoughts and emotions, that I went back to devour the entire Neon Genesis Evangelion, followed by Death (True)2 and End of Evangelion. AGAIN.
And once again, I was completely blown away.
When you strip the series to its core (heh), I think it's fundamentally about the pain of living and forming relationships, and finding ways to overcome that pain - the hedgehog dilemma indeed.
And layered upon that core are layers and layers of despair, hope, fear ... basically emotions and intimacy (and horror) in all forms.
I think this is definitely one series that has impacted me very profoundly.
"It all returns to nothing
It all comes tumbling down
Tumbling down, tumbling down
It all returns to nothing
I just keep letting me down
Letting me down, letting me down"
- 'Komm Susser Tod' by Arianne (insert song for End of Evangelion - my recent earworm)
4. "... where there will be no end."
On a random day, at a random time, I suddenly remembered something I once said/wrote a long long time ago, which surprised even myself.
After taking a long time to process the words, the timeline of events, the feelings, I suddenly wanted to laugh.
Laugh, not because there's anything funny, but because of the absurdity of it all.
Absurd, not because of what happened, but because of how all these "insights" were gained DECADES (ALMOST) late.
A special someone once said, "Regrets are insights gained a moment too late" (something to this effect)
And to think it's only NOW that I realise the full impact of what I'd done (and not done), and the full extent of my immaturity, selfishness, and unreasonableness.
Which, in turn, made me realise that,
I actually don't deserve this (you), and for you to remain in my life, you're actually doing me a favour...
And that really changed my perspective towards a lot of things.
Regardless of the form it takes, I still wish that you could utilise the permission; you know there's no expiration date (until I expire, that is, haha).
5. "What if... I am still who I was?"
"That's not such a bad thing, is it?"
Is it not?
6. "How well do I know you?"
Absolutely stumped me, before I launched into a lengthy explanation about the context-dependent self (selves?)
Maybe the simpler explanation would be - Rei I, Rei II, Rei III... (ref. Evangelion) - there are imperfect clones of me. Everywhere.
7.
I miss the honesty.
(Correction - I miss the openness)
Leaving it at 7 because.
I think the night is playing awful tricks on my mind (but I'm really OK, since I have a (I think) relatively well-formed prefrontal cortex, hah).
Oh, and Happy National Day!
