As an employee~*

And so, unknowingly, June has come to an end.
I think the word 'unknowingly' can't be more appropriate.
Things seemed to have passed by in a flash - days and weeks meshing together without me being very conscious of the dates and days.

Perhaps, this is really the first indicator of my changed status (from student -> employee).

~*~*
Work has been fine so far, with a conducive working environment and helpful, pleasant colleagues.
I really couldn't have asked for more.
Yet, there's just this odd sense of insecurity and inadequacy nagging at me at the back of my mind...
Work hasn't 'officially' started for me, because the first week is basically for me to get a hang of things and to orient myself.
I know that soon, work will start piling up and I would probably be spending a lot of time battling with some inner demons and dealing with my weaknesses (e.g., fear of speaking up, not being confident in the work I produce etc).

Let's just take things as they come, shall we?

~*~*
Yesterday was a fulfilling day spent catching up with some psych girls.

Hearing all the plans and aspirations that they have made me feel really happy for them - the kind of warm and fuzzy feeling.
I guess at this age, everything seems like a possibility.
Well, of course there's bound to be constraints and limitations and we can't afford to be too carried away.
Nonetheless, future seems exciting still.

After our brunch/lunch at Fosters, we went back to NUS to collect our graduation package.

NY (colleague) asked me how I felt about graduating and I simply said, "Surreal."

In about 2 weeks' time, I'll be donning the academic dress and holding my hard-earned scroll/transcript.

Four years ago, all these hadn't seem possible.

What's more incredible is that now, I have juniors asking me for advice about thesis and modules.
Since when am I qualified enough to give advice about uni studies?

Surreal, indeed. 

~*~*

It's going to take some time for me to adjust to the schedule of an employee.
My body clock wasn't very well tuned during the first week and I've had difficulties falling asleep/waking up.
So, I really hope I can adapt to the new sleeping/waking cycle.

Eye bags and dark circles, be gone!

~*~*

I had some pretty odd dreams/nightmares lately.
While some still remain rather fresh in my memory, others have more or less faded.
I wonder what they are trying to tell me about my thoughts that are embedded deep within my unconscious mind.

~*~*

The most interesting description of myself I've heard this week.

"Hell Girl... Come to think of it, you do look like one." 

Out of the comfort zone~*

source

Tomorrow officially marks a new phase of life.

What expectations should I have?

What expectations would you have?

Admittedly, I'm feeling very jittery. 

A hundred, a thousand things can go wrong on the first day of work. 

(the very pessimistic side of me is speaking)

It's just so me to start envisioning various worst case scenarios and contemplate many escape routes and contingency plans. 

Which is why, like I told MW, I'm always a nervous wreck.

Fortunately, 

I (somehow manage to) appear to be composed and poised on the outside, even though I'm dying inside.

Unfortunately,

I'm still dying inside.

The problem is really about the way I think and the way I live in the future instead of the present. 

Future = unknown = fear + dread + worries 

And those accompanying negative emotions are definitely uncalled for. 

Why can't I just be a little less anxious/uptight and be more relaxed/excited...??

Right, because if I start getting hopes high, the possibility of disappointment creeps higher. 

You see my utterly warped logic? 

Plus, the fear of being unable to meet expectations is even more overwhelming than every other source of anxiety...

"Jasmine, you're too meek."
"Yeah, you're too soft-spoken."

Amber, I wish I had more of that confidence and boldness that you possess. 

~*~*

Now, I fully comprehend the downside of staying within comfort zone for too long.

Because you're so comfortable with yourself right now, you are likely to forget how to go out there and challenge yourself, face your fears, make mistakes, ask stupid (or not) questions, take initiatives, persevere in the face of problems, and from there, learn to build upon your strengths. 

Your mental strength weakens and you falter.

So, time to get up and get going.

My Foul Mood~*

1.

Seminyak Beach at Bali 

I miss having a clear view of the sky.

2.

Listening to some random Jazz & Bossa Nova playlist on Youtube.

I need some chilling music to cool myself down. 

For the past few days, I've been putting various Norah Jones' albums on repeat, so I decided to try something different. 

Yes, I desperately need to chill out. 

3. 

I've been in a foul mood lately (pun intended).

It could be due to the charred stench that envelops me (even in my house), or the heat which really puts me off... or both.

4.

In a feeble attempt to reduce some of that crabbiness, I've started watching the big bang theory season 6. 

And yes, it provided me with some temporal amusement. 

5. 

MY GRUMPINESS

source

But actually, looking at Grumpy Cat makes me laugh. 

6.

I want to talk a little about the haze situation in Singapore (no politics)

If you keep up with #sghaze on twitter, you'll realize that social media, at times, plays a huge role in stirring emotions and fueling anxiety, panic and unhappiness...

I guess, when people start to overreact, it gets contagious (because who doesn't yearn for a little excitement and drama in their otherwise mundane lives...?). 

Something akin to mass hysteria?

It's nothing wrong with having your own opinions but there's always a need to keep emotions in check. 

When "facts" are mere exaggerated words that are expressed when emotions run high, then they are no longer objective "facts" anymore, are they?

This then begs the question of WHY people want to exaggerate things and create/spread some kind of panic and dissatisfaction...? 

Because people are being caught up with the excitement...? 

Or,  

to put it even more bluntly, could some people be treating this as a welcoming respite from whatever hassles and issues they are currently experiencing...? To take things off people's minds?

"I have this XXX problem... but hey, look at the HAZE OUTSIDE!!! Is the PSI increasing yet???"  

(edit)
I might sound a tad nonchalant but nope, I'm far from it.
I'm very annoyed at the neighbour.
But at the same time, I'm also annoyed by the numerous people who are blowing things up, rousing the crowd unnecessarily, which makes it really difficult for people to calm down and not go berserk over the lack of N95. 

And not to forget, those people who secretly wish for PSI to exceed 400 so that they can take a good break from school/work.

At this point of time, it's of absolute paramount importance for all to remain calm (you consume more oxygen when you get agitated too, heh) and hope that whatever measures that are going to be implemented will do their job.

7.

Having said that, I myself am guilty of letting this haze get to me (making me more irritable). 

Perhaps we should all just try to stay cool, calm because as Z aptly put it,

"Life goes on." 

Take care everybody, and drink more water! 

Inadequacy~*

Days pass.

People change.

Circumstances change.

The hands on the clock move. 

Life goes on.

You can't stay rooted to the same spot forever. 

It's time to move.

~*~*~

Feeling jittery, anxious, uncertain, worried... yet, I feel this vague sense of excitement nesting among the butterflies in my stomach. 

Am I ready to take on a new challenge in life...?

~*~*~

Responsibilities will start piling up. 

Soon, I will feel the weight of the burdens on my shoulders.

The mundane;

the monotony;

the inevitable. 

~*~*~

Emotions and thoughts can be rather irrational at times. 

It doesn't matter whether you are right or wrong. More often than not, you are wrong.

Yet, you just want to persist; you just want to undermine yourself and make yourself feel like a terrible person - 

someone who's absolutely unworthy of... everything and anything. 

"I'm just not good enough."

Or self-deprecating statements as such. 

Whether a thought is rational or not is largely dependent on... perspectives? 

Even so, what do you hope to gain from undervaluing yourself...? 

A little sympathy? Soothing, comforting words that are (might be) just lies? Affirmations that are given solely to keep your mouth shut...?

False sense of security, perhaps? 

Okay. 

OR, could it genuinely be a sense of inadequacy gnawing at you...? 

At me. 

~*~*~

What is this blog becoming...? 

A space filled with self-absorbed ramblings without any solid purpose at all, except to release pent-up emotions and pen down random thoughts.

Soon, it'll be my 9th year blogging. 

9 years worth of aimless writings/rantings; incomprehensible words; spamming of idol-related stuff... it's incredible. 

My entries should start to become more concrete and less abstract; more photos and less words; more positivity and less negativity.  

I shall try. 

~*~*~*~

The haze + unbearable heat is making me feel really sick to the stomach. 

It smells and feels like someone's burning newspapers right next to me. 

Words to you~*

~*~*~*

EL. Exists. 

simplicity + a dose of insanity ;)

my most cherished and dearest childhood buddy. 

the only person (other than my family members) who has seen me in kindergarten uniform and messy pigtails (my favourite kindergarten hairstyle), 

we've played games with imaginary friends and minnie mouse, 'cooked' uncooked rice, pretended to be B&V, 'rode' on a pirate ship (double bunk bed) fishing, sent snail mails with lousy drawings, took photos in front of a fan while pretending to be riding on roller coasters, sang so many songs and made a fool of ourselves.... and the list goes on.

 

although we can only meet up once in a while, everything feels so natural when we're together.
to have a buddy who watched you grow up is a blessing :) 

18 years and counting :)

~*~*~*

"Are you looking forward to the future?" 

Without much hesitation, I'd nodded.

Against the beautiful night scenery as the backdrop, I'd felt at peace with myself. 

And WZ,

things might not be running smoothly all the time, it might get a little difficult to breathe, but I believe you can pull through this eventually. 

Keep the faith, because I believe things happen for a reason, like I've told you. 

Kindness begets kindness, or so I choose to believe :)

~*~*~*

It's not the J word, dear Z.

It's the I word. 

But anyway, thanks for giving me the confidence that I need :) 

~*~*~*

Gaze~*

Listening to 枫 and 彩虹天堂 always brings about such perplexed emotions.

Double dose of nostalgia. 
Heart-rending...

Personally,
the latter of the two songs holds great significance for me...
somehow, when I first listened to '彩虹天堂' back then in year 2008, I've misunderstood it to be a song about blissful love... (I even wrote a blog entry entitled 'Rainbow Heaven')
But then, I've come to realize it's about a 'rainbow heaven' that's not quite reachable.

And of course, the MVs... (what are the chances, really? But still, they are really depressing, aren't they?)
I'd think that... it might be more probable for the girl to fall in love with the same person she was in love with...

Even now, as I listen to these two songs, I can feel the gush of emotions.



Back then, when I was still young and unsure of myself, with no strengths or positive attributes to speak of, plainer than plaine jane, perfectly camouflaged...

why did you love me...?
why would anyone love me? 

even now. I can't seem to grasp it. 

~*~*

All I know is that I've wasted all these years looking for something, 

a sort of trophy I'd get only if I really, really did enough to deserve it.

But I don't want it anymore,

I want something else now,

something warm and sheltering,

something I can turn to,

regardless of what I do,

regardless of who I become.

Something that will just be there, always, like tomorrow's sky.

That's what I want now, and I think it's what you should want too.

- 'When We Were Orphans' by Kazuo Ishiguro 

~*~*

I'm down with some indiscernible illness which gives me perpetual headaches. 

Not now, when I have only 2 weeks left before work commences...

~*~* 

Random collages that I made

Speaking of the belated bday celebration for T/S,

I made the most regrettable decision with regards to drinks. 

Please avoid Black Russian unless you're an avid fan of Kahlua. 

(maybe that's why I'm sick now... -_-)

And I must say that, given a choice among coffee, tea and alcohol, 

I'd still prefer the first two to alcohol. 

A nice, quaint, tranquil cafe always attracts me more than a relatively noisy pub (but the live band is a plus point!). 

then again, I might still want to give 'Barber Shop by Timbre' a try :)

~*~*~*

When you gaze deeply into another person's eyes, 

what do you see?

what do I see?

More importantly, how many people actually dare to hold your gaze...?

~*~*~*

I tried to smile with teeth.  

Graduation gift~*

source

My emotions at the moment.

It's the best graduation gift anyone can ever receive... :)

I can never be more thankful.

Who were there for me when I needed them most?

who believed in me?

who never gave up on me?

who constantly encouraged and pushed me on?

who were there to listen to my self-defeating ramblings? 

Over the four years... 

I just want to thank everyone of you. From the bottom of my heart :)

I can finally place order for my grad gown!!! 

I rummaged through the old emails... for some reason.
And it opened the floodgates.

Memories that were long buried got dug up.
Emotions that were put aside returned.
Monochrome to Technicolor...

Things that were long forgotten were remembered.
My heart wrenched and raced.

I'd relived them all.
The shyness, the vagueness, the simple happiness, the confusion, the ecstasy, the sadness...

5 years ago...
we wouldn't have known.

~*~*~*~
Edited.

"君の背に天使の羽お見た"
(google translator makes so much more sense than the lousy one we used in the past, which churned out nonsensical translations)

Memories.
if you are the only person who holds on to them, and nobody else can even vaguely remember what happened... doesn't that feel a little lonely...?

Anyway,
reading through those emails, I just had to smile.
We were silly.
And simply because we were silly, everything felt so untainted and beautiful.

For feeling cared for, loved, protected...

Thank you. And I can never thank you enough. 

She doesn't know how to smile~*

"I feel happy to be alive."

I want to live like that. 

After looking through the incredible number of photos from the trips and recent places I visited with friends, I've come to a conclusion that if I were to look at these photos as a random person who doesn't know any of those people in the photographs, I'd dislike the girl who never smiled showing her teeth.

What is it that you're uncomfortable with?

Braces? A lopsided smile? A smile which looks fake...?

To be honest, I don't know.

It just doesn't occur me to open my mouth and smile when I pose for a photo. 

Habit? Perhaps. And plus, I look x300 awkward when I smile with teeth. 

I'm just utterly UNPHOTOGENIC. 

Anyway, all those photos make me seem like a person who never laughs heartily and who's always reserved about something; someone who keeps secrets from the world; one who distrusts easily, and doesn't treat people sincerely. 

It does feel that way, doesn't it?

Yet, I don't think I'm trying to portray myself as cold and aloof. 

But for some reason, it just makes me seem like an unhappy person.

Are you that unhappy?

Although I have many things that bug me and weigh me down, there are many more which energize me and makes me feel happy to live as I am living today. 

No doubt I'm definitely NOT the most enviable person in the world,

I feel contented, nonetheless, with what I'm blessed with. 

So... that does warrant a BIG SMILE WITH TEETH, doesn't it?

Alright, I shall try.

But perhaps, after my exam results are out... in 1.5 days' time.........

J^3

THAT SMIRK.