So many things have changed.
People left their footprints haphazardly here and there.
Some still remain, while many others have been washed away by the waves.
Nevertheless, those footprints undeniably shaped who I am today.
We cry, not because of burning heartaches, or from the intolerable silence which replaced the melodious laughter, or that deep, painful sensation of longing for something that has long dissipated into the air.
We cry, from the simple acknowledgement that 'is' has become 'was'. and for the beauty and clarity of it all.
here I am, feeling grateful for everything that have happened in my life.
the rubbish, screwed-up parts, as well as the most dazzling and heart-warming moments.
little, trivial things that probably are not worth mentioning.
yet, the hidden power of them. the impact they had on me.
from these, I learnt how to smile, cry, think, feel, reflect, live.
no matter how often the waves crash onto the shore.
or how the footprints leave the sand,
there is always something undeniable.
that every single existence has been noted. on the shore, shore of my life.
I really shouldn't be here.
because I've got my childhood&youth test tomorrow.
but I need a break from all the ambivalence and fluidity of the concept of childhood.
to be honest, I feel like I'll be KOed for tml's test.
because I haven't got an inkling of idea what to expect.
like bashing through a dense jungle without a map nor a compass (not like I'm proficient in reading one).
ANYWAY, I was so awed to see my friends being genuinely surprised to see me smile WITH TEETH. it's like a mega breakthrough in my life or something.
and I realized I should smile more with teeth before I've got none left. HAHAHA.
shit. this is such a pointless entry.
just need a breather, I guess.
oh and one more thing,
BEST OF LUCK TO THE COOL CUCUMBER! :D You'll do fine!!!!!!!!
When I take a shower and it's pouring outside, it feels as if I'm bathed in the rainwater.
About a million fireworks.
and a couple of thousands of gunshots.
Have you experienced emotions as powerful as that, so, so powerful,
that you become powerless to do anything?
There are so many things left unsaid, untouched.
If I were to fill the raindrops up with every single thing I want to say to every single person, I would fill up all the raindrops that are falling right now, outside.
because there are so many thoughts, so many emotions running through my veins every waking moment.
I'm sorry to say this, but if I could choose, I would take the most beautiful and most cherished in my life and run away to somewhere I really yearn to be.
but because I cannot, I'll learn to change the here and now into where I yearn to be.
and in contrast to those powerful emotions,
I'll be in search of tranquility and peace and that aching gentleness that I miss so much.
"Lesley, you've got to understand how much I loved your mother. She was all the world to me. From the moment I met her. I loved her more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person. She was such an incredible individual. So unusual. So vibrant.
Lesley, I'm not like that. I'm very ordinary.
Loving her was the only exceptional thing I've ever accomplished with my life."- 'The Sunflower Forest' by Torey Hayden
I'll just make this a short one. Since I don't think I'll be having the luxury of time to blog long entries for the time being.
1. 'The Sunflower Forest' nearly made me tear on the train.
Heartrending...
How difficult it is... to actually love a person who is a little... more imperfect than the rest of us.
2. I fell down once, and nearly fell down about 4 times now.
and for the time I fell, I nearly knocked into the back of ks' car.
so, I ended up lying in the middle of the road, laughing non-stop.
I must've been drunk. hahaha. eh. without any alcohol intake.
3. CNY was spent playing cards with my cousins, aunts and uncles.
(loads of new games that I've never heard of. but they're really addictive!)
oh, and playing AMERICAN MCGEE'S ALICE with cousin yl. I had to ask for his help to help me pass a level. hehe.
sometimes, he's just plain irritating.
Jas: ehhh. don't you find it a bit dizzy?
yl: izzit? *moves the mouse rapidly around*
Jas: WEI!!!!!!!! >.<
and I challenged him to a series of mindless games.
and BOY, IS HE LOUSY AT THEM. :D
mindless games are MY STRENGTHS yeah? wahaha!
4. Had my mock theory exam.
while my teacher was watching Naruto. =_=
anyway, I think I got mocked by the exam. LOL.
5. Went for my social agency visit with Jia en.
and shit. both of us have such lousy sense of direction that it's just... speechless.
so we ended up walking in circles for both agencies and eventually taking cab there. and realizing that the agencies were within walking distance already. baaaah.
on the way there, we kept complaining about how mabel will have her bf to drive her everywhere. XD
Jia en is just crazy about Raymond Lam. But to me, BOSCO WINS.
hehe. anyway, the main point is, I enjoyed the visits.
they made me think and reflect a lot. on myself,
on what I've been thinking all these while, on my misconceptions and ignorance.
6. Project and tests.
I don't even want to talk about it. :(
7. Watched '72 tenants of prosperity'. :D
all I can say is that bosco FTW!!!
hahaha and it's such a hilarious film that I kept laughing throughout the show. :D
seeee? I know how to enjoy comedy too okkkkkk?
8. Happy BIRTHDAY people! :D
which means, I THINK I'm supposed to be 20 or 21 already. Not sure how to calculate my age using the lunar calendar. haha
okok. back to work~~! sighhhhh.
and enjoy the remaining cny! :)
You think...
the world needs to mourn with you.
that things that are important to you will always be with you.
no matter what other people say, you're right cos 'they just don't understand'.
that the world spins for you, with you.
which makes it so easy to get thrown out of balance from time to time.
and sometimes, it's just plain funny how we tend to dislike people because of a whole array of reasons.
and forget that we ourselves are sometimes like that, too.
that's why, I say, place your gaze further than what you usually look at.
and we'll discover many, many things.
credits: tumblr
If I were to have a resolution for cny as well, that'll be it. :)
Anyway, I had an eventful CNY eve.
1. incredible breakfast at HATCHED. the website for it is darn cute! :D
and I just love that laid-back, lazy-sunday-morning (though it's a saturday) kind of feeling. :)
2. gorgeous flowers! :D
in red, yellow, purple, white, orange... you name it, you get it.
(bought a pot of small, purple flowers and my mum adores it! :))
3. mango passionfruit frappe at starbucks.
and a heated discussion about inequality. (LOL)
4. met amber and got back $8.45 cents. hahahaha!
stupid curry la, seriously. XD
5. a great (but pek chek) game of badminton with SG! :D
and a very disappointing shuttlecock. :(
TWENTY!! TWENTY!! WOOHOO~
6. futile trip to tenmile to get beer. :(
but eventually got them at SPC (is it?) haha.
7. back here, feeling drained from the badminton. AND THE HEAT.
8. IT'S BLOODY HOT. HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT. >.<
and I think it's putting people in a cranky mood.
9. having steamboat soon~! oh yeah!
10. well, it just dawned on me that it's really CNY eve already. O.O
as in, I always perceived it as an occasion that's... still many many days later.
but it's here!!!
where did the time fly to, seriously?!?!
alright. people, have a ROARING cny!! :D
black.
always a symbol of darkness, negativity, the tainted, the corrupt, sorrow, evil, death...
but why am I so drawn to this colour (though technically speaking it's not a colour but an achromatic... colour? lol)?
to me, no doubt black is often linked to all the negative things that come to one's mind, black also holds special meanings.
In fact, I find black soothing. It's able to elicit a certain feeling of tranquility and serenity in me.
and it makes me feel consumed by such feelings.
my lovely piano.
a black shirt over a white one.
a black dress over a pink one.
black utensils over brightly coloured ones...
black balloons over fuschia&baby blue ones.
that's not to say that I'm walking around dressed in black from head to toe.
but... deep down, I think black is really my hue.
is it because I'm tainted with errors and mistakes,
so I have to repent and seek for forgiveness?
or it's just that it's not glaring and eye-catching?
like me.
or I just enjoy blending into the darkness of the night.
or maybe, I feel that white is just too painfully pure and angelic.
something I will never be.
Dark, She is the mind of yours. Icy chill of thought becomes A steely shimmer.Behold a glimmer in the black - A flash of grey, that even glows In show against the hallowed dark of you. -Mark Slaughter's 'You, the Dark'
There are things that will never be comprehended by mere contemplation and logic.
As much as we refuse to believe it, we've got to face it.
the most beautiful and amazing things may never be able to be explained by pure science or math or logic.
they are to be felt. (though our heart is really just an organ which doesn't exactly 'feel')
the heart-wrenching hurt, that sheer bliss, this unexplanable thing called 'love', the ecstacy, the extreme anger, the morbid yet honest and powerful emotions.
what tells us apart from non-living organisms.
the bottomline is,
emotions go to places where logic will never be able to reach.
(a messy entry half written on wednesday and half today - sunday)
Mood: woah.
Music: Vivaldi - Winter I
I thought I was going to die.
1. UNI.
wellwellwell, what can I say?
It has been waking up at 7am, having lessons till 6pm (with hardly any breaks), turning in after 12am.
a cycle. and a VICIOUS one indeed.
It
put me in a crabby mood in the morning,
made me doze off in buses (as a result, I ended up knocking my head against the window so hard that many people were staring at me),
made me doze off in trains (while standing. and I dropped my file on the floor. again, the whole train of ppl stared at me),
made me DETEST crowds and the bloody peak hour.
made me super irritable at night. I bite. at night. (eh it rhymes!)
and readings are piling up. again. projects are coming in. again. deadlines again! tests! PIANO THEORY! PIANO PRACTICAL!! urgh!!!
2.
piano.
my teacher and I were finally honest to each other and confessed.
that we were both in need of a change of piece to learn/teach/play.
which is why my teacher decided to let me play
Chopin's Nocturne.
one of my favourite pieces that I didn't get to learn in the past.
as much as I wish to learn the complete Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven, I know it's not possible when I've got many exams that are drawing near.
and Chopin's Nocturne is just amazing. =)
so, so beautiful. has always been and will always be one of the most lovely pieces.
and this also means that it'll be the last piece I learn, apart from my exam pieces.
which is why, it's a beautiful ending, to a beautiful journey. :)
*cue to tear* hahah...
3.
Had bio lab session today.
My first bio related lesson in what... 6 years? gosh.
I was a physics student in sec sch and jc. so I must've been insane to take up bio rite?
definitely more einstein over darwin ya? HAHAHA.
so, I was panicking like NUTS over using the microscope, looking at plant cells etc etc.
(OK CALL ME A NOOB)
but in the end, it was quite fun! :D
tako was even more panicky than me! (ok, I was more jittery before entering the lab but she's more jittery upon entering the lab XD)
tako: *uses ruler to measure how much leaf to excise*
prof loh: hahaha no need la! take it easy! enjoy the session! :D
tako and I were just plain destructive/irritating
we toppled the sample of pear cells and bombarded the TA with endless qtns (poor guy!!! I think we really made him very confused. XD).
but anyway, for the next lab session, we'll be going to the bio museum! :D
--------------- written on wednesday------------
4. CNY
this year's cny is going to be a little different.
because instead of going to my uncle's house (where we've been going since who knows when), my relatives would be coming to our place instead.
Jess&Jas: HUH?!?!?!?!?!
Mum: what.
Jess: I can't wake up in the morning!
Jas: My room is too messy!
seriously. I would rather die than have anyone enter my room.
STRICTLY OFF LIMITS!!!
5.
I spent my precious sunday afternoon doing what I ABSOLUTE DETEST.
spring cleaning.
(why? refer to point 4)
and I thought I was going to be buried alive underneath all the junk I emptied from my shelves and desk.
well, either that or I would choke from the immense amount of dust.
anyway, while clearing my things, I chanced upon many many little things which triggered lots of memories. really nostalgic.
if you know me, I love to keep old stuff. which explains my mum's frustration when she enters my room.
Mum: AIYO~~ WHY KEEP ALL THESE RUBBISH?! *toss into bin*
Jas: WAITTTTTTTTT!!!! *picks from bin*
and so, nothing gets thrown away in the end.
even though I really did clean my room, the amount of belongings either increase or remain stagnant.
sometimes, I sympathetize with my mum too, for having such a 不喜新厌旧 daughter.
*cackles*
6.
Anyway, back to CNY.
I can't feel any CNY atmosphere AT ALL.
It gets worse each passing year.
maybe I should go join in the elbowing and stepping on people's shoes in chinatown.
aye aye. blame it on my extreme dislike for crowds.
if not, I don't think I'll mind going there and checking out the cny goodies. :)
7.
tumblr.
it's really really fantastic and interesting. :)
browsing through amazing photographs and illustrations and quotes.
now I know what in-leciel.tumblr is for. hahaha!
8.
Jia en and I were O.O when we realized where we had to go for our social work agency visit.
and we kept complaining about it during lecture. XDD
we're just plain unlucky, I guess.
one at BEDOK and another at JALAN KLINIK.
JALAN KLINIK?????
please tell me where on earth is JALAN KLINIK. T_T
9.
chilllllll out on a saturday nighttttttt.
it's really the company that matters more than anything else. :)
10.
one french song leads to another, and another and another.
I think my playlist is turning french.
11.
what's the probability of you falling in love?
what's the probability of the person also loving you?
what's the probability of the both of you letting each other know how you feel for each other?
what's the probability of this relationship working out?
what's the probability of both people complementing each other perfectly?
what's the probability of both people existing on the same frequency?
what's the probability of two hearts beating as one?
what's the probability of a protective embrace and passionate kiss which tell no lie?
so, what's the combined probability?
you get the idea.
the bottomline line is,
people who are not single, you guys are DAMN LUCKY. :) :) :)
11.
"
Oh yeah I'll tell you something, I think you'll understand
When I say that something,
I wanna hold your hand~~
I wanna hold your hand~~
I wanna hold your hand~~~"
- 'I wanna hold your hand' by The Beatles
THANK YOU THE BEATLESSSS!
yes I won my sis and SG in singing the oldest song in ktv. HEHEHE.
11.5.
It's awesome having someone share my interest in chopin and beethoven etc etc (no matter how late it is and how tired/bored you are). wahahaha.
I really appreciate it!!! :D
12.
this is an overdue thing which is really damn cool. (from foxtrot)
let me ask you a
math question:
Simplify 2i < 6u
your answer: i < 3u (I hope)
haha... I love you too. :)
I've got a half-written entry hidden somewhere amongst the many many neglected and forgotten drafts.
oh well.
You know, sometimes, things are, because.
I don't know if you have felt that before, but I've certainly felt that many times.
that things just fall into place (or out of place) without any reason.
simply because.
presence of things, of people.
the intrinsic feelings,
the existence of life itself,
because.
Girl: Why do you love me?
Boy: because.
no need for further words. because.
anyway, 'The Sunflower Forest' by Torey Hayden made me wonder a lot about the fragility of human beings.
we can easily be torn down and apart by our mind alone.
things can go a little wrong in your mind and reality will cease to exist.
the boundary between the surreal and the reality... is really hard to define, isn't it?
oh and hearing news about marriages always makes my heart flutter. :)
so, so sweet. :) :)
