Something~*

1. Something final 

As the year draws to close, I find myself reflecting more and more on the concept of finality - the idea of things coming to an irreversible end. 

We often don't know where this end is, or when something truly becomes final, and we're often taken by surprise. 

I have this bad (?) habit of leaving the last episode of drama/anime series unwatched/ leaving book chapters unread because I simply don't want things to come to an irreversible end. 

I just want to deceive myself into thinking that, by prolonging it that way, it hasn't come to an end for me, which is a completely irrational idea. 

Why is it so difficult to deal with the end of something? Why is it so hard to let go?

For me, it's probably because I want that something to last forever. Maybe we all want that to different degrees. 

Because it's precious, it mattered, it meant something.

A friendship/relationship (and by extension, the person/precious pet), an experience (vacation, concert, a great show, a great book... or life in and of itself), tangible/material things that you cherish... 

But sadly, nothing ever does (maybe except One Piece... haha kidding)

And we have to know when something reaches finality, and let go. However painful it is. 

When we're no longer needed, when paths have diverged so conclusively, when time's up, when something ceases to exist... 

When there's nothing more to say besides 'goodbye'... 

... and it never gets easier. 

2. Something unrepeatable 

Not a second of life is repeatable. 

And sometimes, I feel like I'm just swept away by the passing of time. Before I can fully savour the moment, the moment has passed, then the next moment has passed, and then... 

Don't you wish we were able to somehow record every second of our lives in ultra HD 4K resolution, and rewind and replay various scenes whenever we feel like it (so Black Mirror)?

To look back and gain more insights - insights that can only be gained by looking through a pair of eyes that have seen, teared, smiled, ached...

But we can only be an observer, nothing more, nothing less. And rightly so, because if we could freely edit our past, then is it still worth living?

But it's precisely the unrepeatable nature of it that makes us want to cherish every moment of it.

3. Something that protects

I recently came across this term - "antifragile", which is about gaining strength from setbacks (somewhat related to resilience, I guess). 

And I like how it sounds. 

If we can somehow embrace and grow from the exposure to stressors, and build that shield, then perhaps, we could be better equipped to deal with unpredictability and whatever nonsense life throws at us. 

But the how is the question. 

After 30+ years of living, I feel like I'm still as fragile as a wine glass. 

Recently, I've been trying to adopt the Stoics' way of thinking about your locus of control - you can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you respond to them. 

You can only be upset if you allow yourself to; you can only feel pain if you perceive it to be painful...

But... sometimes, you react instinctively and before you know it, the pain has already hit you and is consuming you.

I suppose something like that comes with a shift in how you fundamentally operate (at the unconscious level, even)... and probably takes LOTS of practice. 

Oh well. 

4. Something that's coming

2024.

And with it, lots of unpredictability and unknowns... 

Looking back, I think I'm just glad to have survived another year relatively healthily (physically and mentally); it's really too easy to die.

And given how difficult it seems to live, maybe it's really pointless to stress over the purpose of life, or how much value we bring to the world or how relevant we are. 

Or maybe it is OK to be irrelevant, as long as we're trying our best to live. 

In 2024, may we find the strength to deal with finality, remember to appreciate every moment of life, have courage to seek antifragility, and simply remember to celebrate life.

That something [edited]~*

[this is an exceptionally difficult post to write... which took many long pauses, many 'undo's, many deep sighs, me twisting my face out of shape a couple of times (thanks to Aomame from '1Q84'), much hesitance... and hence, a long time. Again, the timeline may be slightly confusing, so, it's ok if you can't understand the order (or the content). Neither can I.] 

1. hanabi

She said, "I really like fireworks! In Japanese, it's called 'Hanabi'. So pretty!" 

With every explosion in the sky, a deep resonance was felt in the depths of my heart, 

and memories got dislodged from the deepest corners. 

And something flooded me with something. 

Anyway, thank you T-chan, despite the INSANE crowds. 

(On a side note, I think this is the only kind of explosion humans should witness (and maybe the amazing explosion scene in Oppenheimer))

2. 21, 8, 11, 18, 9, 12... (among many others) 

"Yes, it was beautiful indeed. Every single moment of it," he said. 

Recently, I've been feeling the something very profoundly, very clearly, and very painfully.

I went back, I searched, I re-lived it, I felt it deeply, and I reflected...

The potentiality of it, the actuality of it, the words that were unspoken, the heart that was suspended...

What have I done? 

And then, 

What am I trying to do?

That something. 

It ebbs and flows;

at times, it caresses you softly, and other times, it slaps you right where it hurts the most. 

Because something happened.

Because the strong waves washed up the chest of memories that were locked away all those years ago. 

Because...

3. regression (not the mathematical kind)

"Because I have you, I have..." she  trailed off. 

I've regressed. 

You would think that 30+ years of living would teach me how to regulate emotions better, how to rationalise and manage emotions... or at the very least, know how to label emotions. 

But alas, here I am, stuck in a whirlwind of... something that I can't give a name to. 

And there's the rumination about something I can absolutely do nothing about, which fuels the frustration, upon layers and layers of complex feelings that should remain 

unrealised, 

unseen, 

unheard, 

unknown... 

(yet, here I am) 

4. hidden

He asked, "If you could go back to a particular timepoint, when would it be?" (something along this line)

There was a veil;

I wasn't able to see you clearly, and neither was I able to let you see me clearly.

Everything was seemingly aligned; I smiled, and so did you.

But there was a veil 

of something.

5. 

"Despite it all. Here we are," she said.

 

"Perhaps in some other alternate universe. Someplace with 2 moons. A different story unfolded?" he chuckled (I assumed). 

I blame 1Q84 for this. 

~*~*

[I hadn't intended for it to sound more bitter than sweet. So here is the sweet(er) counterpart.] 

6. 10s, 20s, 30s

"What happened? Your face is like a bittergourd," he remarked.

Things I'd forgotten. 

"Look at the beautiful sunrise!" she exclaimed. 

Things I wish I'd never forget. 

Recently, I spoke to various people who have accompanied me throughout my 10s-30s. 

And it struck me that, 

if I were to line 3 prototypical Jas's in her 10s, 20s and 30s, would I see more similarities than differences? 

Would I find an unchanging core? What would that be?

That aside, the fact that there are people who have been with me, and are still journeying with me, who have seen me at my worst (I think I was incredibly childish, erratic and unlovable) and my best (??) really warms me up from within. 

Because why would anyone stick around? Aren't there better things to do? Better people to invest your time and effort in? 

7. Because. 

"If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there's salvation in life..."

― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

放开的手 接住了我 

不离不弃 不曾更改

...

原来爱一直都在

― 韋禮安, 一直都在

Extracted from the depths of somewhere~*

[Putting down random thoughts before they slip from mind - in their very raw form, in the usual tangled up state] 

1. "relegated to an afterthought"

After a miserable night of caffeine-infused wakefulness, I woke (did I really fall asleep?) to find myself thinking this line over and over again. 

I guess the power of waves/tides of time can push people to the far corners of one's mind, especially when priorities shift (and rightly so). 

So what is like to be an afterthought? A by-the-way? A nonchalant oh-good-to-see-you? An "oh ok"? 

I think it all stems from a misalignment of expectations.

The heart squeezed a little. 

But now, I know. 

2. "missing you"

"When you say you miss this person, do you miss this person, or do you miss the version of this person that you used to know?" 

*cues "Somebody I Used to Know" by Gotye (but no, that's too extreme, it just happened to pop into mind)

Again, it stems from a misalignment of expectations - you stare right into their eyes and realise the anticipated feelings of longingness/affection/tenderness just vapourise instantly because you don't know who they are anymore. Instead, something cold grips your heart. 

Lovers, friends, partners, family...

Who are you talking about?

Who? 

3. "would've, could've, should've" 

It's a Taylor Swift's song. 

It's also what an infinite number of jas's are thinking in the infinite number of parallel universes of infinite possibilities. 

with no tangible outcome.

4. MMMVII

memento mori

memento vivere

ichigo-ichie 

things to remember and to live by.

In essence, death is the sole unchanging inevitable state that we all cannot escape from. Hence, we must remember to live, and cherish every unrepeatable moment in life. 

We'll never be as lovely/young as we are in this moment.

And I'm thankful for the moments when I felt so much more alive. 

At least I've had those moments. 

Many 'I's~*

Do you have these moments when you have a lot to say and nothing to say at the same time? 

Do you have these feelings that are strangely misaligned, in a deeply unsettling manner? 

Do you have these thoughts that come when you least expect it, and retreat back into the unconscious just when you're ready to process them? 

What's happening? 

0.5. Ill 

My health has been shit this year (please don't remind me that it's only April).

I guess the bright side of it is that it offers me some breathing space (when I can breathe properly), and time to reflect on my life. 

But, the weirdest thoughts and feelings come to me, which is why I'm here, I guess. 

1. illuminated

[written yesterday]

Earlier I felt surprisingly well, so I took Miyu out on a walk. 

It's one of the rare instances where we walk in the day, as our walks are usually at night (and pretty late at times). 

Under the blazing sun, everything was illuminated - every nook and cranny, every crack in the pavement, every pee/poop stain near the lampposts and walls, every blade of grass, every dead roach/ snail (R.I.P)/ bird (...). I mean, everything. 

And I was caught by surprise at how different the scenery looked in the day, as compared to the night. 

Has the grass patch always looked like this? Have the trees always looked so sadly malnourished? Were there always so many people around, and the playground so badly littered? 

In that instant, I realised I didn't want to know. 

I'd very much prefer to be engulfed in pure darkness and let my imagination fill the gaps of the unknown. 

Cowardly, I think. But why would I want to know that we've been stepping on dirty pavements, that Miyu's been licking ... god knows what, and that the rats are slowly (but surely) infiltrating the neighbourhood? 

Isn't it better for some things to remain unknown, unsaid? 

Why would you want to peel it off, only to reveal something disturbing and very much less than perfect? 

What's the purpose of having your curiosity fulfilled? 

Only for it to be replaced by some other feelings - disgust? fear? anger? disappointment? 

Some may argue that things may not be as negative as I'm imagining them to be but... frankly, how positive can they get, if they're hidden in the first place. 

And so, under the clear, sunny evening sky, I saw everything as they were, harshly illuminated. 

So bright, I had to turn away.

Yet, Miyu remained unfazed, undisturbed, unconcerned... 

I wish I could be like that.

(Miyu is often a source of inspiration, I realised)

2. ikigai (?)

This was something I've been thinking for a while, and I realised, 

what if, all there is to living, is simply to experience the human condition.

To live it out, see where it takes us, as the events unfold. To see where our decisions lead, in a seemingly endless chain of cause-and-effect.

Pretty much like a RPG.

But more importantly, to feel, immerse, and reflect on it. 

Maybe to live is simply... to feel alive. 

Nothing more, nothing less. 

Putting it in perspective this way helps me to rethink and re-prioritise things that make me feel more alive over things that don't, and while I wish to get rid of the daily grind indefinitely, I know it has its place. 

Now, the question is, what are the things that make me feel more alive? 

3. well 

“I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. 

All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while. 

Its only confusing if you believe it has to make sense.” 

― Haruki Murakami, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman

Some random memories have been floating up to the surface recently. 

I don't know if it's because I went back to 1Q84, or that there was a sudden trigger, but, I suppose that's how things are now - thoughts and feelings will come to the surface from time to time.

I suppose it could also be due to my sentimentality. 

Anyhow, it's a sad realisation that we're alone in our thoughts most of our time. Is it possible to make others relate/ empathise with us, and think the way we do? 

No matter how close we think we are, we're still separate entities, with separate minds, vastly different life experiences (I would think the same goes for twins?) 

So how is it possible that others can see things the way we do? And feel the way we feel?

"I'm thinking of you. Are you thinking of me, too?"

Even for a simple question like that, it's difficult for the answers to be aligned, isn't it? 

And so, why do we still hope for some sort of connection and alignment? Or maybe "hope" is the keyword here. 

4. humans

"Living is tough."
"Indeed."

I think we all feel that from time to time, and we can probably recognise that others are also struggling at times. 

Why, then, aren't we more gentle with one another? 

Why doesn't kindness and compassion take precedence? 

Why is it so difficult to be a little more patient, a little more respectful, a little less hurtful? 

I suppose it goes back to no. 3. 

5. hurt & heal

It only takes a second to destroy something that took very long to heal. 

Nullifying things often seem so much easier than building things up from scratch. 

It is me who destroys, and me who wishes to heal.

Yet, why do I destroy what I healed?

We also have a tendency to take the healing process for granted. We assume that wounds heal, but will that always be true? 

6. 行ってらっしゃい

Sakamoto-san, I hope you're in a better place.

Thank you for the beautiful music you've created (which helped me get through some of the darkest moments in my early adulthood).

(this piece makes me feel like I'm hovering somewhere... between melancholy, love, warmth, and longingness... perfect piece for a funeral, I feel)