Sai Ai~*

You are the only one who holds an umbrella and shelters me from the rain in my heart.

Words + Random~*

$$$ flying away~~~

Mood: Calm

Music: Bridge Over Troubled Water

Ingenue...

Again, my thoughts are scattered everywhere.

I learnt many things about myself in the past one month plus.

1. I LOVE GOING FOR SPINS :D

2. To be able to be myself in front of others... I think it's the most wonderful thing ever

3. Back to the Murakami craze!

4. And English oldies craze! (thanks to a certain cow) 

5. Miss the times when I could bathe in the afternoons... ahhh... I dislike the fact that waiting for my hair to dry delays my sleeping time. :(

6. Phobia for office phones/notepads, sound of fax machines/printer, smell of office coffee...

7. You JUST CAN'T please everyone in this world.

8. Realize I love to eat PEACHES. Those furry furry ones. (LOL!!!)

9. Miss Rojak + Coffee :(

10. Miss taking naps at 3+... urgh. Somemore it's the busiest time of the day during work. :(

11. Being misunderstood is really... just a very normal thing.

12. Have been webcamming with my sister EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. 

13. I'm prepared for the worst.... I hope.

14. Miss strolling along ECP, going for late night suppers, SPINS!!!, a certain WAVE, lame jokes... 

15. SKYPE ROCKS. :D

Amidst many stressful/unhappy things that happened to me these days, there are still many more that I'm genuinely grateful for.

Like how my family seems closer than ever. :)

Like what Zell said, we are talking/seeing my sister more than we ever did when she was in Singapore. XD

And well, my parents are in fact very very close now... :)

You know? This phenomena reminds me of a kite (called xiao ming... ok inside joke XD).

The further it is, the tighter the string is. The nearer it is, the less taut it is...

Kind of like our family. 

When we're all living under the same roof, our interactions are very limited. But when my sis left for Melbourne, we suddenly become much much closer. haha. Kind of strange, but yeah. :)

Was choosing between renewing  'White City Blue' and reading a new Murakami novel.

And of course, I chose the latter. 

haha. I think I already got the gist of the story for 'White City Blue'. So I wasn't bothered about not knowing the ending of the story.

It's a story that I can really relate to... 

Anyway, now, it's back to Murakami! 

There's always a risk to reading his novels... cos I might just slip back into a long period of moodiness because I don't know... my emotions, train of thoughts always get controlled by his words, the atmosphere he creates...

I still remember how I just sat there and blanked out completely after nearing the end of 'Norwegian Wood'... I think my heart nearly stopped and I was so so so close to breaking down. When I became myself again, I had a crazy urge to cry the whole night away... Like I no longer had control over my emotions. It was scary, even. 

Then when I finished 'Sputnik Sweetheart', my heart was torn into pieces and then mended again...

And of course, not to mention, 'Dance Dance Dance' totally shook me and 'After Dark' just transformed me into a nocturnal animal... 

Words. 

the ability to suck you right in and make your head spin. 

Words can paint a picture.

They are so powerful. 

But yet... they are powerless at the same time. 

A little paradoxical. 

but well, words are toxic, beautiful, sweet, meaningful, cruel...

I don't know why, but words have always appealed to me more than numbers. :)

Words allow your mind to wander off. to go on a holiday. 

Yah. Novels.

they allow your mind to go travelling. :)

Okok. enough of all that.

time to go and sleep. :) 

And allow my mind to go on a holiday! :)

Random pics:

WEBCAM QUALITY. =__=

After 22/07 gathering

(It's always the 3 of us XD)

Really, really random. 

Fandom:

ARAGAKI YUI! 

Her new PV is out! :D:D

Have been listening to her 'Piece' for 748645432138 times now. :D

For some reason, this song always gives me a very... bittersweet feeling... 

Makes me want to cry without a reason. Makes me want to smile without a reason... haha.

新垣結衣 「piece」
Uploaded by tochitochi

In case you don't know, Ayu's song 'RULE' will be the theme song for the movie 'Dragonball Evolution'!!! 

This is the cover for the single. SUPER COOL YAH? :D (ALRIGHT YOU ANTI-AYU PPL. KEEP THE COMMENTS TO YOURSELF. XD)

Her PV. Not the best, I guess. Could've been much better. But still, not bad already. :)

So, I'm having high expectations for her 'SPARKLE'. :) 

Rule
Uploaded by Breat44

I'm Yours~*

Listening to 'I'm Yours' by Jason Mraz for about 5811116444669 times. 

You know? 

Simplicity, 

is enough. :)

To love and be loved, 

is the most beautiful thing in this world. 

Anyway, countdown 2 weeks to my mood plunging into basement. :(

Sick and Tired~*

Ahh...

This entry is supposed to be filled with angst and frustration...

But somehow, most of the negative emotions seemed to have vapourised after listening to 'Your Song' by Elton John... 

Anyway,

As expected (in the previous entry), yours truly has been sick on and off for the past few days.

It's like in one moment, I could feel the intense heat in my body, and then extreme coldness in the next.

One moment I would be wide awake, and then wave of nausea and dizziness in the next.

Even now, as I am typing this entry, I could feel my mind spinning...

(So my thoughts are scattered all over the place and well, grammar is the last thing on my mind right now)

So before I feel ill again, I'd better blog out my emotions. 

Actually, I constructed a really good (imo) entry on the bus ride home today.

I was listening to random songs on my ipod, watching the scenery, people, dreaming, dozing off, thinking at the same time. 

It was about our insatiable thirst for perfection. 

But then now, whatever I thought of writing are flushed away together with the initial excitement/happiness/anticipation... 

Anyway, what I want to say now is simple. 

I'm sick. And tired.

I'm sick and tired of having to feel obliged to please every single person in the world. 

I'm sick and tired of having to care about what others think of me, of people I love, of well, basically just my existence.

I'm sick and tired of having to pretend that everything is alright and the present is well, a present. 

I'm sick and tired of having to worry about everything that can possibly be worried about.

I'm sick and tired of having people telling me what I should do/should not do.

Most importantly, 

I'm sick and tired of being flawed. Very very flawed. 

I do wonder about why I am so helpless in doing certain things. 

and why I can't just do what I feel like doing, but instead do the things I am SUPPOSED to do...

And... I guess I really need someone to understand me...

"We close up like clams as we grow old" 

- White City Blue by Tim Loft (one of the best novels I've read) 

I, too, gradually close up.

Lines become blur, words become more discreet, pictures no longer as vivid, my face nothing but a mask, my feelings protected by a layer of metal, my very self, very existence hidden...

Hiding, hiding, hidden. 

I would think to myself, there's nothing to show to the world. 

In a way, like I once told K-Kun, 

"If you want to be able look at others, others would be able to look at you too." 

It's tiring, in a way... having to display yourself to the world, having to lay out your naked emotions, your naked heart, for people to inspect, to peer into your little world, to scrutinize you, to dissect you... 

People judge you for the way you judge them. 

I don't know why I always feel tired of my very existence...

Like dragging your feet to places you don't want to go, like being burdened by many many things...

I feel tired that whatever I do always seem wrong.

"You can't please everyone in the world..." 

Yes, I know.

But I still feel my heart give a hard squeeze when I know again and again, I would be misunderstood. 

Again and again, I would be left with a hard slap on my already bruised cheek.

Again and again, I would be left alone to face problems that were actually non-existent. 

Alright, that last line almost made me laugh out loud. 

Problems that were actually non-existent. 

LOL. 

Whatever, my emotions are in a mess, my thoughts are scrambled...

In summary, 

I'm basically just sick and tired of myself.

I could feel the heat rising. I could feel the cold settling in. I could feel the nausea, the dizziness, the fatigue all at once. 

I could feel the tears threatening to form. I could feel the way my eyelids feel heavy. I could feel the way my head ache and ache and ache...

If life were a subject, I would surely get a 'U'.

Which brings me to the horrifying fact that I might just flunk A's like how I flunk 'Life'. 

Thinking about it just sends my dinner to my throat. 

And it,

Hurts, hurts, hurts. 

I'm not a lucky girl blessed with beauty, wealth, intelligence, sporty-ness, an out-going personality, a strong personality... 

I am but more ordinary than ordinary, more plain than plain, more hidden than the hidden. 

I am but a flawed person. A girl who is too imperfect. 

I can't change the fact. 

As much as I yearn for beauty, wealth, intelligence, sporty-ness, outgoing-ness, strength, power...

I cannot...

And to constantly make people worry about me,

and to constantly let people down, hurt them....

I feel like allowing my heart to be pierced. 

Sick and tired. 

I really am... 

there are moments when you go SNAP! 

Just like how someone drops a match onto a huge pool of petrol. 

Just like how beyond a certain point, a bent pencil would break...

SNAP!

Who knows there might come a day when I snap and then I would no longer be who I am. 

Why not? since I've always brushed past the edge. 

Maybe next next week would be the day when I snap...

Enough. 

Time to go and organize my life, my emotions, my thoughts. 

But first of all, I need to sleep before my illness sets in and eats into my soul....

that is, if there's anything left to be eaten. 

illness~*

Like pastel colours,

like angels singing,

like a lovely serenade,

like a bear cub,

like a gentle pat on the head,

like having the breeze caressing your cheeks,

like listening to the tides...

Simply AWESOME. 

But, 

Amidst all the wonderful things, 

I feel that... Jasmine is going to be ill. 

sisters~*

One of the rare pics which features both me and my sis... =___=

So, my sister has left for Melbourne.

Ling-er said we were all very strong, because he said he would cry if someone started crying. 

haha. 

I don't know. Maybe it's because I just want my mind to be filled with the thought that well, she'll be back. 

And I'll see her again in June. :) 

It was a rather happy departure. :)

Except the last awkward moment when Ling-er was asking me to go and hug my sister. 

Ling-er: Go and hug her la!

Mum: Yeah quick! 

Jas: ehhhh... 

Jess: ehhhh...

.....

J&J: Very weird la!!! XD

so in the end, there's no touching, teary sisterly embrace. HAHA. 

Which kind of summarizes our closeness with each other. :)

Oh no, don't get me wrong. 

You know, for my sis and I, there's no need for physical affection. :)

(we never EVER hugged, kissed or said ANY mushy things to each other. XD) 

You just know that, deep down, you love her and she loves you. :)

No need for beautiful words, warm gestures. 

It's a... fact. HAHA.

Moo was saying departure halls are always the saddest and most touching. 

For me, I think arrival halls are more touching :) 

Anyway, I'd have to admit that her absence is making me feel all strange and well, a little lonely (esp since we've become much much closer recently than we were in the past)...

haha yes yes I would miss her. 

But still, I must be strong. 

It's like a transition stage in my life right now.

With my sister away from us, with my parents having more interactions with each other, with my A's results coming out SOOOOON (GOODNESS....), with me understanding more about the corporate world, understanding more about the complexity of human relationships, getting to know 3 really amazingly great friends who are extremely good at killing zombies, having a pair of angel's wings with me all the time, having more and more responsibilities, learning how to cope with many things, being honest to myself...

haha.

Life.

Not good all the time. Not bad all the time.

I guess, that's why it is amazing. 

Jess,

you'd better take care of yourself over there. And I got a webcam cos of you alright!!! XD You must rmb that back in singapore, there's a girl who loves you more than anyone else in the world (I GUESS) haha. and she's your sister. :) 

Jas~*

People. Sigh.~*

thinking of...? 

It's so sour. The feeling.

It's not easy to be honest. Neither is it easy to lie. 

sometimes people read too much into you. 

I'd say, listen to the silence rather than the words. 

I don't feel like talking much, moving around much, thinking much, feeling much.

But...

1. My sister is leaving for Melbourne in a weeks' time.

Doubly sour. 

2. Work

great people. but it's very routine. Very... repetitive. Maybe I'm not cut out for repetitive things. But in a way, its lack of changes makes it a very... stable job. 

Hmm... and well, I get to do a whole variety of things though. 

But, restricting my mind from wandering off to where they've always wanted to go is... miserable in a way...

Knowing that I cannot slack in front of the com, cannot take naps, cannot listen to random songs and generating random thoughts, cannot take walks along the canal, cannot ask people out, cannot stay out late at night lest I doze off at work, cannot get myself lost in a novel... 

urgh. 

It's all about self-control and discipline and getting your priorities right, I guess.

3. PEOPLE

You like them, you hate them, you get envious of them, you want to make them happy, you want to make them miserable, you want to laugh at them, you want them to get lost, you want them in your life, you want them out your life, you want to hug them, you want to box them, you want to befriend them, you want to lie to them, you seek comfort in them, you want to kill them, you want to love them, you want to give your everything to them, you want them to give everything to you, you demand from them, you want to understand them...

you want to understand them. 

understand them. 

understand them. 

So that you can get the answers you want. 

Answers to questions you ask yourself all the time. 

4. 

I don't like to argue/fight. 

For people who know me well, I'm not somebody who jumps on a person and attacks them if they don't give me what I want, tell me what I want to hear, let me have my way.

In fact, I find peace highly underrated. 

People demand their own ways. They think the world owes them a living. In fact, they think that you, me, she, he, they, us owe them a living. 

They think that the earth stops spinning when their bread gets burnt in the toaster, when their toilet bowls refuse to flush, when their computers hang, their girlfriends/boyfriends leave them, when their phones don't work, when their day turns out like shit, when their lives suck like hell... 

 

They think it's always 'me', 'I' and 'myself'. 

They think,

That others don't have a life.

That others don't have problems.

That others are riding on clouds and sipping lattes while sitting on rainbows with lovely rabbits smiling them. 

You get what I mean.

5. 

Why do I sound so bitter all of a sudden?

Another evil concoction of emo songs and emo person and the dark sky and maybe the new novel I'm reading now. 

'White City Blue'

6. My mind is filled with nothing but the content of Point no.3 and 4 on repeat. 

So well, so be it. 

People. 

Sigh. 

Spaces in between~*

idunnowhyifeelliketypinglikethisallofasudden.

youknowitskindofcooltotryandresisttheurgetopressthespacebar.

ithinkmylifeislikethisnow.

likeastrongcurrent.

carryingmeforthonandonandonandon...

notallowinganybreaks...

you know,

random spaces, random feelings,

random excitements, realizations,

reflections, happiness, bliss, worry, unhappiness,

knowing that I don't know  everything and

that I'm flawed as a  girl, a person,

that I'm afraid of myself, that the  sun always

   seems to rise too late for me, that I    

can't seem to find any reason in doing

the things I do,  that I  think

what others  don't, feel what others  don't,

that I no longer have any expectations

regarding everyday matters, knowing that

    deep down,

I'm

only

human,

I

get

weary

of

myself.