sigh~*

school is sucking the life out of me.

i'm really really dreading the upcoming psych test.

i'm really afraid of the sickening churning of the stomach when I start reading the questions and my mind goes blank. and that 'anyhow write' mentality that creeps up to me soon after.

i wonder if i'm really going to make it this time round.




if i do badly, i think im going to eat up my stats book.

:)~*

http://www.flickr.com/photos/highlikeplanes/4349728911/

random~*

credits: http://crashinglybeautiful.tumblr.com/


1.
Listening to 'Sheep May Safely Graze' by Bach on a cloudy and rainy afternoon sets my mind at ease. :)

You can't really grasp it - this feeling of being at ease, being perfectly comfortable with yourself at this very moment and experiencing the peace of mind...



2.
Anyway, I played 'Traumerei' by Schumann and 'Reverie' by Debussy (again) and this time round, the music came out sounding different from the last time I played it.

As opposed to the previous time, when everything sounded angsty and lonely, it sounded more... flowing, smooth and mellow.

harsh colours as opposed to pastel colours.


Playing the piano exposes my inner state, my emotions, my everything.
As if he knows me inside out. (my piano is a male)

No need for pretense, because I know what you're thinking and how you're feeling right now.




3.

















It has been raining so much lately.
Lieblich. :)


Sometimes, just listen to the rain.
and you'll feel as if you're entering a different world altogether.


Cleansing the dirty world.




3.
Had my very first taste of decaf.

and it's surprisingly good.


you know, I'm starting to fall in love with black coffee with sugar. no milk/creamer.


I take that as a marker of transition into adulthood.




3.
In case you guys are wondering if the horror of school stuff has long past,

NO.

So basically, issues related to school etc etc are still haunting me.


but at least, I'm trying my best to get those negative emotions under control.
to sweep them under the carpet and chuck them in the back of my drawer.


to leave my mind alone.



4.
I'm just taking a break from doing my report.

or else I'm really going to die.


speaking of which, my psych lecturer was really funny during yesterday's lecture.

"If you were to get r more than 1, you should go curl up and DIE."

:D but you know what, I agree with him and I shall go die after my test (next wed).




5. TheRealJas.blogspot.com

I know I'm becoming more and more vague in the things I write.

just take a look at my past entries and you'll know.


is it a kind of protective instinct I have on myself?



anyway, I just hope people won't attribute jasmine to just the things that I write here.


during cnm tutorial, when my tutor asked if any of us feel we're very different online and offline, I had the urge to say yes, that's me.


it's about the things I say online and offline.



but then again, it only makes sense, right?

you can't expect me to hold a real-life conversation with you talking about eh... the rain?

"the rain doesn't hold negative connotation, and neither is it an embodiment of sadness and depression. in my opinion, it's a cleansing ritual of the world. and it makes me feel at ease..."

"...huh?"

it's not the sort of things you say offline.


it's... the sort of things you think in private to yourself, I guess.


so blogging, to me, is very much like a monologue. translating whimsical, insane thoughts into words.



that's the way it is now.
it wasn't that way in the past.


unknowingly transformed from being narrative to... I don't know.

I don't know since when, words started to be chosen very very cautiously and carefully.
I don't know since when, I've become so vague and so random and so... hard to figure out.


is that the real me, then?


mabel, tako and I were laughing at my blog url several weeks ago.
it IS dumb, I guess. haha. but really, what do you expect from a... 14 year old silly kid?!


I'm always tempted to change my url.
change to something that is not so... haha.

but you see, I've already formed this deep connection to this url and it has been this way for so many many many years... until I'm really reluctant to change it to anything else.


oh well.



time to go back to my project report!!!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....................



replies~*

K-kun: thanks!! :) haha eh shall go try smiling with teeth and sad eyes. that'll be a major accomplishment. hehe. and WHAT?! NO MORE NODAME?! SO FASSSST?! *faints* go check out the drama then! :D

Joyce: GOODNESS. hahah so are you still alive now? btw, your rabbits are darn cute!! :D I think the fur is enough to make a fur coat.

Xon: haha soccer ball also cannot help me alr eh. i think yuan shou, fang shou also not effective enough le.

Ruzi: HAHA HORROR PHOTO! :D and what LS expression?! hahah I can't remember any. I can only remember TXN expression. XD so got practise or not?! your canon. if not i'm going to close the piano lid on your hands.

Mou: hey I think that's really cool! like write all the trivial things down everywhere we go. :) I think we can write books and books of them alr. :D

self talk~*

Credits: http://misswallflower.tumblr.com/


I keep a hand-written diary.

Because there are just too many things that can't be written here.
Ultimately, a blog is never equivalent to a diary.



I've come to terms with myself.
And I feel that the weather adds on to the long-lost tranquility within me.



SELF-MOTIVATIONAL-TALK

"You know what's the best way to clear the tasks on hand?"
"What?"
"It is to go and clear them."

And it is the same with everything else.
What is the best way to get out of the dumpster? Go and find a way out.


During this period of time when I was like a living-dead, seeing as though I'm not seeing, listening as though I'm not listening and living as though I'm not living, I found myself confronted with a rather cruel reality.

That the world is not so sympathetic and forgiving towards you after all.

Sometimes, we assume that when we're down, the world needs to mourn with us, which can never be further from the truth.




And the older we get, the more we're expected to get up and get going, to suck it in and move on.


It's a world where, when you fall flat on your face, people trample all over you (you're basically nothing but an obstruction)

hey, who cares if your life is a piece of shit? So are everyone else's.



Maybe not THAT extreme, but you get what I mean.


People can give you the much needed assurance and encouragement. A hand to help you up.
Even so, there's still a possibility of falling down once that hand leaves you.

and that second fall might just kill you.



so you can't seem to see what's ahead of you.
instead of forcing yourself to go beyond your limits, why not just change a perspective?

"maybe i'm just not that smart, that capable. maybe I'm expecting too much from myself. let's just make do with the current situation."

and then adjust your mood, adjust your stride and continue.


that's not to say that we're leaving things as they are. and neither does it mean relying completely on your external locus of control.

instead, it just means that to work from HERE.


yeah too bad we were thrown back to the starting point in 'SNAKES&LADDER'.
now what?
Throw the bloody dice!



that kind of mentality.




IF ONLY THINGS WERE SO EASY.


but still, lying to yourself once in a while doesn't hurt, right?





actually, it's not that hard to make me smile, is it?

or rather, I can no longer distinguish a genuine smile from one that is not.

Goner~*

"You're so depressed, you're making me depressed too."

Tako told me this afternoon.


Do bad things all happen at once? Like dominoes toppling one after another?



Why can't my smiles last anymore?
Why do I keep going round in circles and end up at the same spot, feeling awfully stressed about everything and anything?


Or rather, is up really the only way to go, when we're down in the dumps?

Maybe, I can still go down some more.






Why do I find it harder and harder to breathe each day?

Tell me~*

Things that have flown away.



And so, I let out a sigh of resignation.


1.
Have been spending more time with my piano.

That's really where I seek comfort in, I realized. Just playing random music that I love. 'Reverie' by Debussy, 'Traumerei' by Schumann (a darling), 'Close to You' from Long Vacation and Theme from Forrest Gump...

And of course, Chopin's Nocturne.


I've got a weird habit of leaving just the table lamp in the living room on when I practise Nocturne.
Seemingly bathed in the soft candlelight in the darkness...


Especially when it rains, music flows.


1.5

I'm getting more and more lethargic.
I'm feeling the energy drain out of me.


I don't know what's wrong.



2.
"As we grow up, we are constantly changing, right?"
someone asked me not too long ago.


I gave it a thought and replied,
"Deep down, there'll always be a part of us which remains..."


some things change, while others will not.

And ultimately, I hope that I won't change into somebody I don't want to become.



3.
Back then, when lollipops were never sweet enough.

when nothing beats playing block-catching, ice&water, pretend play...


What is it like to go back to that time again?




4.

People no longer take notice of the beautiful things in the world.


in fact, beauty has taken an entirely new meaning.



where did the beauty of nature, music, arts go?
where did the beauty of inner beauty, sincerity, genuinity and honesty go?


where did the beauty of the old, the young, the innocent, the youthful, the kind go?


Do they matter anymore?

Or have they become less important as compared to superficial beauty?












Where did lasting beauty go?



4.5

"I am fine."

Pretending that everything is alright, even though you're already all rotten and dead within.

Forceful smiles and making jokes that aren't even funny.

Trying too hard to be happy.


Trying too hard to be strong.



I guess,

I'm just not that kind of person.



5.

If only.



5.5
finished watching 'What's Eating Gilbert's Grape'.

heartrending. heartbreaking. heartaching. heartwarming.


6.
Thanks KAREN, somebody, KL-san, Tiffany, K-kun and my dear Lao Mao for all the encouragement :)
I will come and haunt you guys when I'm at the edge between life and death. haha.




6.5.

Am I really the master of my destiny?


Or am I just being thrown around by the waves?



7.

I'm genuinely tired.

Can somebody... just tell me what I need to hear most right now?

Warped~*

credits: tumblr



I am miserable.



I certainly hope that this is the worst day of my life because then it just means that it's going to be over soon.


I thought I would feel better if I trashed it all out on the piano, get drenched in the rain, get absorbed in the world of fiction, waste time doing shit.

But I was wrong. Because I am still fighting back tears in the end.



Why so weak? Why admit defeat so easily?



I don't know.



Life is bizzare.


and I'm getting exhausted by the whirlwind of events that occur with no break in between. No time to take a step back and reflect. No time for me to take a deep breath and pick myself up.


"Time to gather the broken shards of myself again."

I tell myself.

But I know it's impossible because they're scattered everywhere.
And I am going to cut myself.



It's almost torturous.

The uncertainty of everything, the negativity of so many things. things that I've swept under the carpet.




I've got so many doubts.

About my life, about myself.





I want to shout.
I want to shout so badly, my throat hurts.



But it is still silent.
as still as the night can ever be.



Life still goes on.
Time is still ticking on.


They.
Never spare a thought for the weaker people who exist. who yearn for time to stop so as to take a break from all these rubbish.


Can we truly, do we truly bear to disrupt the peace and tranquility?
and upset the night with our unnecessary screams and unneeded words?



I'm so, so tired.


My mind is as warped as my future is.




Sometimes, I wish I could crawl out of my skin.

Moments~*

credits: gakky.org




I don't know.


Moments of confusion.



nodame cantabile
Chopin's 12 Etudes Op. 10 No. 4 in C-sharp minor
psychology test results (dread....)
rigid fingers
undone projects
worries
exhaustion.


I'm exhausted. Just thinking alone makes me exhausted.


I'm not going to recall my theory paper because I'm afraid I would start eating my hair.
I'm not going to think about test results because I think my heart might stop.
I'm not going to think about the 2348327428 things waiting to be done and 34123864187263712 readings to be read and 8730423242 assignments to be completed.


Sigh. Sometimes, I really wonder where am I heading.


Moments of confusion.


moments when emotions go haywire and you're gripped by fear and worry and regret and unhappiness and longing.



things are sent to the periphery, only to be called back from time to time into consciousness.
like memories you thought you've forgotten, events that didn't seem to bug you anymore, words that aren't supposed to matter much.

but they did, they do and they still will.


I think Chopin is portraying the turmoil within me in Etudes Op. 10 No. 4 in C sharp minor. (2nd song in the playlist)

THEORY!!!!!

credits: tumblr



I feel like throwing up.



I seriously feel like throwing up

my heart, my liver, my brain, my intestines, my kidneys, my skeleton.



and coughing up my lungs and and appendix too.


in general, I'm suffering a rather serious case of pre-theory exam anxiety (though it's like more than 12 hours away) and I can really feel my stomach churning and aching. --> then what on earth is going to happen to me during my practical exam?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??!?!?!?!?!


my piano seems to be laughing at me now.




oh dear, I think I'm going to be mentally unsound for the next 15 hours plus plus.

piano theory!

Countdown 64 hours to my final piano theory exam.



I have no idea what to expect, especially since I've suffered from a period of time when I really feared doing theory. (a long story)

But nevertheless, I'm eternally grateful for my teacher for constantly pushing me to 'just go and finish it' when I was on the verge of giving up.

Ms Iris: What are you aiming for?
Jas: ehh... pass?
Ms Iris: Why don't you aim for a distinction and get a reward of 10 pounds?
Jas: OOOOOOHHHH..... nah.
Ms Iris: Then aim for 100 marks and get 50 pounds? :D
Jas: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


well well well. tempting, but it's beyond me.
unless overnight, I suddenly develop a photographic memory and memorize all the italian, french and german terms PLUS develop an impressive ability to compose breathtaking music PLUS make no stupid mistakes in my general questions.

Like I said, it's beyond me. haha.



so, gotta ganbatte for the next 3 dayssssssssssss!

Nodame Cantabile~*

I just finished episode 5 of Nodame Cantabile (drama version).
Tamaki Hiroshi and Ueno Juri really brought Chiaki and Nodame to life. :)

'Rhapsody in Blue' and the Rachmaninoff piece are stark contrast to each other.
Nevertheless, imo (emo as I seem all the time) rhapsody in blue wins!

Mongoose!







Chong Hwee: I'm choosing between watching Nodame Cantabile and Alice in Wonderland.

ahhhhh. decisions, decisions.
watch both! :D

Updates~*

"I longed to distance myself from anything ambiguous, anything non-transparent, anything belonging to darkness. I wanted to be in a world where all was bright and clean and in sharp focus."

- 'Strangers' by Taichi Yamada

1. I couldn't sleep,
despite having the luxury of time for me to sleep on and on and on.

I didn't want to push all the blame to 1 cup of iced matcha and 2 cups of iced green tea.
but I'm sorry I think I have to.


2. Yay to regular sized popcorn.
I got 'NODAME CANTABILE' popcorn box instead of the other one. :)






























Anyway, I irritated the shit out of my sis with my Nodame Cantabile craze.


Jess: Enough of the gyabo-ing and mukyaa-ing. you sound like my crazy friend!


And then my sis had to help SG pass me my Nodame Cantabile (drama version).
My aim is to finish watching it by next week to be ready to catch the movie version. :)
I really hope it's much nicer than the anime version. hoho.


but it never fails to make me feel inferior about my own piano-playing skills.


which reminds me I'm having my grade 8 piano theory on 13th March and another mini performance in June (tentative) and my final final final practical exam in Sept.


After my theory and uni exams, it's gonna be FULL FORCE AHEAD with my piano-practising.



I hope.



3. Suemitsu and The Suemith

Listening to 'November is the Ballade' makes my heart wrench.



------- written on 6th March ------------------


4. the sun is merciless.

I can feel the heat rising within me and messing up my brain.


I think I'm going to be consumed by the heat soon.




5. Johnny Depp
































You know, I think Johnny Depp is seemingly born to play eccentric and melodramatic characters.
If I had a hat, I'd take it off for him.

I was searching my memory for the very first film I caught that Johnny Depp starred in.
back back back back then when I hardly understood what's going on.

and it suddenly dawned on me that it's































If I never remember wrongly, I think I actually dropped a few tears for Edward in this show.

Definitely a classic that's worth watching again.




And then, it's this. This left a DEEP impression on me.




































Another classic, imo.
For this film, I remember very distinctly I cried quite a bit throughout the film.
(by this I mean blinking back tears furiously and then choking on sobs. Because I don't usually cry when people are around.)

Leonardo DiCaprio acted in this film as Arnie, the mentally handicapped boy.

And his acting was so marvellous that I really thought he was mentally handicapped.

Look at THEM. so so young!










It's such a heartwarming film that now, a decade plus plus later, with a more developed brain to process what's actually going on, I've decided to watch it again.




6. OLD CLASSICS.

I've come to a conclusion that oldies and old films are truly awesome.

Especially the classics, which people will never ever get sick of.



Personally, I really enjoy films and books that set my mind working and linger in my mind for a long long time and on top of it, also give me that fuzzy, warm feeling.



Maybe that's why, in search of such films, I've realized that OLD CLASSICS FTW baby! :)



yeah but the downside of this is that I feel EXTREMELY OLD.





7. WAITING

Speaking of films, I'm still waiting and waiting for my much anticipated 'Never Let Me Go' by Kazuo Ishiguro that has been adapted into movie.

and where on earth is my 'Norwegian Wood'???????????


and I'm also waiting for my '1Q84' by Murakami Haruki in english! (for me to spend my Times bookshop vouchers)

also, I'm wishing they would screen 'Hanamizuki' starring Aragaki Yui and Toma in Singapore.


and finally,

I'm waiting for my 3 MONTHS LONG VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!




8. Pretty things

I have been feeling pretty torn ever since the day I set my eyes on this really beautiful and delicate bookmark.

and ever since then, I've been eyeing bookmarks wherever I go.


Something like these:










































Pretty! :) (and expensive!)


Well, it's not exactly the most practical thing since half the time I just dog-ear my books. (bad habit, I know).


but they're really pretty, aren't they? :) ok I'm just gonna have to think about it.




9. Cafes

I don't mind sitting down at a nice, pleasant cafe, sipping a cafe latte/cappuccino/earl grey while reading a very nice novel, and then watching the world go by outside the cafe.


I really don't, even if it's just me and myself.


sometimes, I do cherish solitude.



9.5.

I just shocked myself when I was printing my nm notes.


'date: 3/7/2010'
Jas: ??? it's my sis's bday?????? oh. it's 7th march, not 3rd july.




I'm shocked at my stupidity, in case you're wondering.



but anyway, time has gone waaaaaaaaaaaaay above its speed limit.




9.55.

Suddenly remember this funny convo btw me and Jia en during sw lect.


(showing this vid on child abuse and neglect. first scene: a boy throwing a pair of old sch shoes into the toilet bowl)
Jia en: oooh! hey that's an innovative way of cleaning shoes leh!
Jas: ooooh! never thought of it before. so he's cleaning his shoes?
(in the end, the boy was actually throwing his friend's shoes in the toilet bowl cos he was angry at his friend for criticizing his mother)


LOL.



10. Things that are so true.





















credits: tumblr




lucks to everyone for the coming week! no matter how shitty the days are, just keep in mind that a day is just 24-hours long.

love~*

Why,


why do you love somebody despite knowing that you're very much revealing your most fragile, most treasured and well-protected part of yourself to this person who has the capability to break you?

why do you love somebody despite understanding the fact that your mind might be consumed by intense emotions and irrational feelings?

why do you love somebody when you know that hearts might bleed and the happiness might just be a fleeting and temporary sense of delusion?

why do you love somebody... when you know that there just might be a finishing line waiting for you to cross?

why do you love... when you know that loving is pretty much a double-edge sword? and what you've done for the significant other might never be reciprocated?

why do you love... when it's just too big a risk to take, too dangerous route to take that might lead you to despair and path of no return?




why do I have the audacity to question something so beautiful, certain, solid and even sacrosanct?

because, I have no answer.


because, when you truly love somebody,
you're willing to risk it all for the person.
you're willing to bare your soul, give it all up for the person.

reciprocated or not no longer matters.


because to people who dare to love, they'll be rewarded with something much much more.




to them,
they'll be rewarded with reality, which is much more beautiful than dreams.



it might not last, it might be temporal

but still, the fact that we loved, we dared to love, means that during this certain period of our lives, we have been granted the greatest gift of mankind. (cliche as it sounds)



and that's something that I'm holding tightly in my hands.


and so are you.

updates~*

@Iluma

happy twenty lao mao. :)
wish you eternal happiness and youth! (if eternity does exist... but you know what I mean)
don't forget, the metal rod will become needle one day. hahah.
*HUGS*

still think it'd be really apt to lao yu sheng that night too. haha.



1. endless... tasks.

so why exactly am I here, anyway?

I think I'm suffering from a severe case lack of determination and motivation to do any studies-related things. which means I'd rather waste my time surfing the net aimlessly/write nonsensical posts here than to get my ass on the chair and get some studying done.

SIGH.

and it sucks.



2. Weather.

It's taking a toll on me.

one thing that I presume many people know is that I really cmi when it's stifling hot.
I can just sit there and perspire like there's no tomorrow.

and my brain will malfunction.

which probably explains point 1.



3. The Beatles

"On the day that I die
I'd like jokes to be told
And stories of old to be rolled out like carpets
That children have played on"

- 'End of the End' by Paul McCartney

Have been listening to them very often on my ipod.

I'm still very, very mesmerized by their music. :)




4. STRANGERS



























by Yamada Taichi.


what's this about Japanese authors?
their ability to make me hold my breath as I read on and on.
reading with bated breath, accelerated heartbeat.

and
so many uncanny similarities with Murakami Haruki.
(though it's written about 2 decades plus plus ago)

lovely novel. :)




5. DIVA~ (in London)
























credits: AHS forum


WOAH. you really gotta give it to her.

I have HIGH expectations for her upcoming single. :)




6. Really got to hang in there.

you, me, he, she, us, they...


we all got to carry on, hold on, move on.


it'll all be over soon.

reminiscence~*

when minds have turned into melted cheese,
seemingly drunk. not from alcohol, but from another source that is much more powerful than that.

and words flow, thoughts and emotions entangle and collide,
sparks fly, the surrounding air turns cool, the floodgates open,


revealing the rawest of the raw, most naked representations of memories.

that history. so distinct. so lucid. so poignant.


written with blood and tears. and chances, hurt hearts, vanished courage and humour.
with a tinge of secrecy, excitement and anticipation.



revelations.


reminiscence.




just shut up and experience. just shut up and feel.








shit.
I need a clear mind to function tomorrow.