On lemon and apples~*

1. 

When life gives you...

Lemons

Basically, these are things that make you cringe in distaste, clench your fists in frustration, clamp your mouth shut to prevent the stream of vulgarities from spewing from your mouth, close your eyes to stop yourself from giving death stares. You reach for your razor / pills / alcohol / cigarette with trembling hands. You feel a deep sense of despair that cannot be articulated. You look, but you can't see. You think, but the thoughts are seemingly uncontrollable.

Apples (one of my favourite fruits) 

These are the pleasant things in life. Things that make you smile effortlessly, fill you up with so much joy and contentment. Your heart races and soars, and breaks into a little tune. You dance a little, twirl a little, even though you don't know how to do either. The world becomes such a beautiful place, and life becomes worth living. Ah, the stars are aligned. 

~*~*~*

In life, you have both. And you probably need both. 

Do we live for the sole purpose of pursuing pleasure (i.e., hedonism)? Or is life meant to bring us so much more than just simply happiness? 

Why lemons and apples? What is one without the other? 

*~*~*~

So, how has life been for me?

Simply put, like a glass of apple tea with a tinge of lemon. 

On the whole, I have much to be thankful for - even during the most sour moments, I learn something about life, about others, about myself.

I am but a  _______. 

~*~*~*~

2.

Word / music porn

And I've never loved a darker blue 

Than the darkness I have known in you, own from you 

You, whose heart would sing of anarchy 

You would laugh at meanings, guarantees, so beautifully 

When our truth is burned from history 

By those who figured justice in fond memory, witness me

Like fire weeping from a cedar tree 

Know that my love would burn with me 

We'll live eternally

Cause there's no better love 

That beckons above me, there's no better love 

That ever has loved me, there's no better love 

So darling, feel better love 

Cause there's no better love 

That's laid beside me, there's no better love 

That justifies me, there's no better love 

So darling, darling, feel better love 

Feel better love

- Hozier, Better Love

Hozier, how can I ever stop loving you? 

Life, in 10 points~*

1. Dark thoughts?

"What dark thoughts do you think of?"

"Darkness in the light
mistrust in the trust,
sadness in happiness,
bitterness in the sweetness,
death in the living,
destruction in the creation,
ugliness in the beauty..."

And at times when my thoughts turn positive,

it's the other way around.


2. Embracing the darkness

I'm starting to not detest (double negative, I know. But I can't think of a better way to phrase this) this side of me as much.

The important thing isn't to detest and reject it completely, but to accept and embrace it in its totality. Because that's how you gradually learn to manage it.

It's not so bad to have deep and dark thoughts.

At least, they keep me grounded, and remind me of what reality isn't.


3. Something that was there

Recently, someone recounted a little snippet of his life to me.

It was very similar to the plot of some cheesy Taiwanese / Korean romance drama; that familiar "Ah, the one true love had been there all along. Why hadn't I noticed her sooner? And now, she's happily together with someone else. Regrets, regrets."

 And it hit me that, cheesy as it sounds, it happens more often than you think.
People often don't pay enough attention to their surroundings, and they take practically everything for granted.

Someone once told me, "Meeting the right person at the wrong time is no different from meeting the wrong person."

Since you let it slip through your fingers,
you just have to accept it, and move on.


4. Things that I don't understand

Dangerous things.
Beautiful things.
Ambiguous things.

There must a reason for their existence.

Or perhaps, they are such, because we made them so.


5. Shadow of things that were

Sometimes, things happen.
And at that particular instant, something hits you.
Instantaneously, brutally, powerfully.

"You remind me of someone I used to know."

A sharp bite?
An electric shock?
A bullet right through my skull?

And I let out a scream.

On the inside.


6. Transactions 

Many things in life are transactional / conditional in nature.

Even so, I still want to believe in something unconditional.


7. Bow & Strings & Drums &... 

Interesting, how one thing leads to another, and before you know it, you're stuck in an emotionally-laden situation.

What started out as a goal-focused activity grew into something beyond that.

I'm extremely grateful, for various reasons.

But knowing how some attachments are especially deep for me (because I'm a sentimental being), I could already imagine the imminent void.

Soon, we'll all run out of excuses, justifications, and reasons.

But before that, let's give it our very best shot.

FIVE MORE DAYS.

[Please don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying every single second of this - minus the scoldings and embarrassing moments when jarring notes were produced by me.] 


8. Two of us

Something is strangely amiss.

I was telling X that weekday-jas and weekend-jas are practically living two different lives.

There's a very interesting point where both lives do not intersect.

And there is definitely an issue when the "main" role (weekday-jas) is getting increasingly tiring, disengaging and un-motivating.


9. Murder intent

Have been reading a few novels by Keigo Higashino.
My first few attempts at mystery / thriller novels.

Although the who, what, when, how were brilliantly written (which is the gist of most mystery novels), that wasn't what struck me as I read the novels. But rather, it was the 'why'.

The intent is what undergirds the entire story, and that's the part that would grip you even after you put that novel down.

What could possibly push someone over the edge?
Out of love? Greed? Or simply, malice? 


10. There you are. 

Thank you, simply for being, even when it's not easy to.

The vague / not-so-vague~*

The Vague.

Muted colours, muffled whispers.
Gently, I traced the trail of raindrops with my wounded fingers.
With surprising decisiveness and steadiness.

As if,
most things are definitive.

As if,
wounds have healed.

~*
Consumed by itself,
the moon stopped shining.

Even so,
the night sky was still beautiful, and unbearably so.

~*
In between the staccatos and legatos,
the notes danced with grace and vigour.

At every pause, time froze, and the notes hung in midair.

Perfectly posed.

~*
There are splinters embedded within.

With every movement, they shift ever so slightly,
piercing and perforating yet another artery.

The pain serves as a constant reminder that

something was broken.

It doesn't matter
whether or not wounds heal.

It doesn't matter
how broken things (we) were.

Because splinters remain.

~*
Cold, but warm.


The Not-so-vague

What's your meaning in living?

Maybe Viktor Frankl can give me an idea.
Currently reading 'Man's Search for Meaning' - a memoir of his life in Nazi death camp and his theory on logotherapy (that the meaning of living is the pursuit of meaning itself).

~*
And watching Darker than Black made me ponder about the essence of human nature, and the functionality of emotions (yes, they serve evolutionary purposes).
But in this day and age, do emotions facilitate or hinder?

Sometimes, I think like a machine.

~*
Need a remedy for flu and chronic headache...

and disengagement.

Iroiro~*

1. Kotoba

"..."

For every word that's spoken, there are many unspoken ones.

Listen to those,
and try to understand,
why they were not (and will never be) spoken.


2. Kioku

"It feels very lonely to be the only one who remembers, no?"

I used to think that it's extremely difficult to hold on to them alone.
It magnifies your loneliness, and stagnancy.
For you're the only one who's tracing the past, pacing hesitantly in circles, desperately protecting something...

But,
I think that there are some things worth protecting.
And I will do so,

even if it entails making certain sacrifices.


3. Jikan

"If you could send a message to your past self, would you send one? If so, what would you send?" (inspired by Steins; Gate)

Would you?

I'm sure most of us have secret wishes to alter certain parts of our lives.

I'm no exception.

But,
alterations may have many unintended consequences.

Are you willing to take the risk?

Steins; Gate provided a pretty interesting theory that goes - for every alteration you make, the world line splits, and events that unfold thereafter in the new world line will change accordingly. In other words, while you continue living in the new world line (with an altered past), there's another you in the old world line(s) living with the past unaltered.

Essentially, what it means is, you may be able to escape your present, by altering the past.

Do you wish to escape this current world line?


4. Sonzai

"You're very, very real!"

As real as we can ever get, perhaps.


5. Omoi

"We can't live in our heads all the time." 

(inspired by 'City', by Alessendro Baricco - brilliant book, albeit a bit too chim for me)
Thoughts, feelings, desires need to be expressed.
But by expressing them, we're reducing them from something close to infinity, to mere points, sentences, statements.

While we may be able to capture the essence of the thoughts and feelings, there's so much more lost in translation - the beauty and elegance of ideas that are NOT the essence... if you get what I mean.

And with that, it makes a nice link to pt 1.


6.  Iroiro (the best part)

"All the wu eh bo eh..."

a) Yu(u)ki was desexed, and subjected to the humiliation of wearing a customised pair of panties / shorts to protect her incision from her tongue / paws / teeth. Poor girl...

It provided our family with a great source of amusement. Sorry girl, but you're too hilarious.

b) Have been watching animes fervently - Another (horror), Zankyou no Terror (crime thriller - it's DAMN GOOD), Steins; Gate (sci-fi). All are great anime series, but, Zankyou no Terror (Terror in Resonance) really resonated with me (ha!). Hauntingly good.

c) Motivation is dwindling... in various aspects.

d) Jan feels like Sep - I'm that tired.

e) Went back to read old entries - sometimes, you may succeed at deceiving yourself that you're time-travelling.


In retrospect,
despite all the depressing and pessimistic thoughts,

life was beautiful then.

Memory Reel~*

I can still remember that night.
The air was painfully still.
I looked into the mirror, and got sucked into the depths of my own gaze.
Something was swirling in the darkness - weightless, unbounded, with nowhere to return to.

I can still remember that evening.
I was looking at the scarlet sky, thinking about the setting sun, and
how we had laughed about the sun "rising earlier than expected".
I closed my eyes, and the scene played on.
It was silent.

I can still remember that night.
We played 'Metal Slug' over gin&tonic, and stout.
It was trippy, and turning into zombies was strangely fun.
The world had retreated.
It was just us, and the zombies.

I can still remember that morning.
The sun rays peeked through the clouds.
The perfect weather.
And suddenly, everything seemed to fall into place.

I can still remember that night.
There was a spread of fruits and vegetables.
Words were consumed by the falling rain.
The light was blue.
Like sapphire... only more precious.

I can still remember that night.
I was woken up by a wave of transparent and searing pain.
As I lay there, writhing, I heard a soft whisper.
The ghosts had spoken.

I can still remember that afternoon.
When infinite possibilities got reduced to that single circumstance.
The earnest wishes and words that were repeated over and over again
Somehow materialised.
But I was unable to put my emotions into words (still am not).


The deceptively happy mornings, dreary afternoons, wistful evenings, seemingly endless nights... 
Trapped in a continuous loop. 

Reaching for the constant.
Slowly trying to take ownership of my heart, and the accompanying responsibility for its damage (past, present, and future).


"Return me to me."
I can say this to no one, but myself.

Random thoughts~*

1. Five, Seven. 

Listening to Take Five in the afternoon seems so out of the norm (and no, Take Five isn't a boy band, in case you are confusing Take Five with Take That. Hell of a lot of difference), because to me, Jazz music always sounds best late at night.

Quintuple meter - just like this short piece that I'm learning for cello.
A rhythm that doesn't quite appeal to most people, because it just doesn't seem to sync well with human's natural sense of rhythm.
Not just quintuple, but complex time signatures, in general.

And same goes for most contemporary classical music works - very peculiar sounding.

I wonder why are there particular rhythms, particular chord progressions which sound nice to most people. What's the psychology behind it?

Maybe I should read up more on music psychology (Ah, that's Dr Stephen Lim's area of interest).



Anyhow, I've digressed. A lot.

I meant to come here to write a little about my Lunar New Year holidays.


2. Lunar New Year

A flurry of activities, lots of smiles (genuine ones, I hope), small talks, snacks, TV (during CNY visits, its importance and utility gets elevated), pretty / smart outfits, steamboat, gambling...

To describe it using adjectives of emotions is rather difficult though - a blend of emotions

And I also learnt that this particular behaviour (or series of actions) irks me quite a bit:

Giving me a limp handshake, (optional muttering of "happy cny") without having eye contact with me. Usually looking elsewhere, displaying more interest in something else.

I had to hold back from squeezing that fellow's hand much harder (wish I were stronger though. Physically.)


3. At the sight of an LD...

It awed me.

In fact, the entire old school karaoke place awed me.

Second time there, and it still fascinated me no end.

On a side note, I observed that Hokkien songs are usually quite emo, and alcohol is a common theme. I wonder why, heh.


4.  To let go.

Be brave, and forgiving enough to let it go.

You can cry, you can ruminate,
but you must know when to stop.

Stop, not because you have to, but because you want to.

Let go, not because you have to, but because you want to.


5. Call me out of my foxhole.

'Precisely,' said the fox. 'To me, you are still only a small boy, just like a hundred thousand other small boys.

 And I have no need of you. And you in turn have no need of me. 

To you, I'm just a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. 

But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. 

To me, you shall be unique in the world. 

To you, I shall be unique in the world.

...but if you tame me, my days will be as if filled with sunlight. 

I shall know a sound of footstep different from all the rest. 

Other steps make me run to earth. 

Yours will call me out of my foxhole like music.'

- Excerpt from The Little Prince, by Antione de Saint-Exupery

6. Take me to...

Approximately a year and a half ago, I made a promise with myself.

To give my 100%, and never settle for anything less. 

Took that leap of faith, fumbled my way around, and somehow managed to keep my promise.

Then again, the amount of effort put in doesn't necessarily equate high quality work - I am slow and I don't think critically enough. And I don't speak up enough. 

To make up for my lack of competence in many areas, I pushed myself hard. 

"Is that the right thing to do?"

I cannot answer. 

I cannot answer.

I just can't. 

Sometimes, I feel that I'm slowly approaching the edge of a cliff.

Knowing that I would topple over, I would stop, peer down, and slowly take a small step back.

So precarious and dangerous. 

But I want to advance forward, and I'm not scared. Or so I think. 

But one day, I might step right off the cliff. 

That kick. 

7. Those days, these days.

Let me be hopeful. 

On a sidenote, I managed to write this entry using the pockets of time I could find here and there. Hence, it's disjointed and all over the place. Rearranged the points a little too. 

Well, if only you could just rearrange things like that in life. 

Because I'm tiki~*

[entry might not be coherent. and I couldn't didn't bother to check for grammatical errors (as if I usually do). Written on Sick Day 3 (technically, it's Sick Day 5)]

"Rest at home la. Forever leh you."

I nearly burst into laughter (I would have, if I hadn't held back - I knew laughing would trigger a series of coughs).

MW has known me since I was 5 years old. And she has probably witnessed many instances of me being tiki and refusing to rest at home, despite running a fever / having a bad headache / nose-bled in school etc.

I believe my good friends and family have long acknowledged that when Jas gets tiki, she really gets tiki.

As I read MW's texts, I started recalling past incidents of me being tiki.

1. [Sec Sch] Refused to go home until my classmate showed my thermometer to my PE teacher.

2. [Sec Sch, JC, Uni, Work] Refused to take MC and my friends kept nagging at me (this happened many times).

3. [Sec Sch, JC] Refused to go home after I nose-bled for quite some time in school.

4. [Sec Sch] Insisted on participating in the annual cross-country run despite having a very bad knee injury - I could feel my wound open and close as I ran. At the end of the run, my bandage was bloody.

5. [Pri/sec sch] Insisted on doing the 1.6/2.4km run despite having a high fever - didn't want to run alone the next time round, and didn't want to bother explaining my situation to my PE teacher.

6. [Sec Sch] Went for choir audition for SYF, though I just recovered from a very bad sore throat.

7. [Sec Sch] Had a bad fall at the escalator landing as I was rushing to catch the train. Got up and continued running up the escalator. When I got onto the train, my classmate just stared at me in disbelief. There was a trail of blood on my right calf and it stained my socks.

"Miss train, will die ah?" (fyi, it was about 6am in the morning. So nope, I wasn't running late. I just didn't want to miss the train that I usually take.)

8. [Uni-work] Refused to sleep, despite feeling very tired. Usually it's because I was engrossed in a book. (that's quite common, isn't it? Is that considered tiki? K thought so, and he still thinks so.)

9.[Work] Participated in the MOE Olive Run, even though I was having a sorethroat and flu. And hence, here I am, sick as a dog (have you ever wondered, why dogs?)


There is definitely more evidence of my tiki-ness... but the lethargy/drowsiness is making it difficult to think clearly.

Anyway, I first got my nickname 'tiki' in uni (given by my dear JC friends), when I started wearing braces. Of course, besides the fact that I literally have metal on my teeth, I've also demonstrated my tiki-ness in many ways (need them to help me jog my memory).

And very recently, my colleagues gave me this very catchy nickname of 'Tiki Lim'. One more nickname to add to my ever-growing list of nicknames. :) Oh, and it comes with a tagline "Nothing can stop her." Not true. Her RO did.

~*~*~*~*

Alas, my fever has returned.

Now, I look like one of the badass members of the bosozoku (biker gang) / ninja, with the fever patch on my forehead (thanks B-chan (will think of a nicer nickname for you)!).

Not very coherent anymore.

And I finally gave up resisting and took a tablespoon of the @#$*%%&4+;^# cough medicine.
Waiting for the drowsiness to set in - it feels as if I've just ingested some poison and I'm waiting to die.

"I'm ready." 

You know what I mean.
And with Mendelssohn's Violin Concerto in E minor Op. 64 playing in the background, it feels especially sad.

For the curious you,



The violinist is SUPERB. So is the orchestra, of course!

But for some strange reason, I'm more drawn to the cello than the violin.
I mean, look at 1:19. Aren't those cellos handsome???

Anyway, I've digressed.

From what? 

Ah yes, back to being tiki.

What does it mean to be tiki?
Obstinate? Willful? Unyielding? Tenacious? Tough?

Strange how any of these adjectives could actually be used on me, who was once labelled as being
"too meek" and would be "easily stepped on/shoved/taken advantage of by others".

A box of surprises.


What's happening here?

Walter Mischels' "If... then" (social cognitive) perspective on personality suddenly comes to mind.

Context-dependent. 

Like how water takes the shape of its container. Not sure if this is a good analogy.

But deep down, something is still constant - the very very core of this being.
That's the way I see it.

~*~*~*~

This entry was written while I oscillated between consciousness and unconsciousness semi-consciousness.

Right now, I feel like I'm somewhere in between.

Looked at my own reflection in the mirror, and thought to myself,
"This is exactly what I mean by looking, but not seeing."

How terrifying it is, if one were to lose sight of one's standing in reality?
When one's boundary of reality and imaginary life gets so blurred that you walk on without realising that you've crossed over to the other side. And refusing to acknowledge that you're on the other side.

When information gets altered and changed, and the world bends out of shape.

But what is reality, anyway?

And who are you to say what's real and what's not?

~*~*~*~

Wrote too much.

And I probably won't understand half of what I'd written when I'm fully conscious.

Maybe I should stop being tiki and just log off to get some rest.

YOLO!

A feeble attempt to sleep at 9pm (I was tossing and turning (like that salad place) until about 11 plus, before sleeping intermittently). 

Woke up at 1am and dressed up for work

Went downstairs to wait for S' car at 1.40am.

Picked up a couple more people.

Made our way to Ion. Reached at about 2.30am.

Saw other tired faces (tired, but excited, nonetheless). 

Black, white, navy, blue...

Bated breaths, gasps, cheers, curses.

S jumping onto the bench, off the bench and dashing around the area in ecstasy, only to discover that, to his horror, the goal was offside. (should've caught it on cam)

More gasps, curses and cheers.

And finally, the champion emerged.

Adrenaline russshhhhhh.... (though my heart also went out to Argentina)

Drove to GWC for breakfast at 6.20am, and realised that Mac's opens at 7am (!??!!).

Then drove to Tiong Bahru Plaza for Mac's breakfast.

The bunch of walking dead reached office at 7.30am.


Stared at the monitor for a good 10 mins while trying to comprehend a sentence...

Struggled to keep myself awake.

Had a meeting at 9.30am (consisted of two dazed people, one of whom is me)

Gave up at approximately 10 plus am, and requested for half-day leave.

Went through the motion of feeding myself during RA farewell lunch at Sushi Bar.

Went home, showered, and conked out.


This is definitely one of the craziest things I've done - head somewhere late at night to watch the World Cup Finals with a bunch of very sporty colleagues (so awesome!) and heading to work right after that.

I know the repercussions of missing a night's rest will get to me soon (have learnt that the hard way a few times), but,

YOLO!

...That's youth.

On a Sunday night~*

STARS (YOU)

“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star. 

It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago. 

Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. 

Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.” 

― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

It's the curious feeling you get when you gaze at the stars, knowing you're looking at something long gone...

Might apply to other situations too.

~*~*

CAN'T SWIM

I feel like taking a break.

The currents are carrying me somewhere, fast. 

And I have no idea where I'm heading. 

I need to plant my feet somewhere.

Get anchored somewhere. 

Grab hold of something.

Surface for a breath.

Because, alas, I can't swim.

~*~*

BATTLE CRY

Nobody can save you now 

It's do or die 

I feel that way so, so often - to do or die.

Listen to the drums. Hell yeah.

And Transformers 4 was gooooood (the soundtrack tooooo).

I'd thought the clashing of metals might lull me to sleep, but NO.
On the contrary, it had awakened something inside me - the sadistic side of me who enjoys seeing massive destruction, endless fighting and slicing of metals, pulling things apart, bombs set off etc. HEH.

~*~*
NODAME CANTABILE

Spent my entire morning - afternoon watching back to back episodes of Nodame Cantabile: Finale on Animax (the season that I didn't complete).

It reminded me why I'd been so obsessed with Nodame Cantabile... and Chopin, and Beethoven's sonatas, concertos... and my piano.

Speaking of which, my fingers are incredibly stiff now.

Time to resume playing again. 

~*~*
SUNDAY NIGHT BLUES

as opposed to Saturday Night Fever.

Oh, boy.

Here, and not here~*

My mind is shrouded by a thick, impenetrable cloud.

The effects of drowsiness-inducing medicines... 

Somehow, their effects are very potent on me.
Should've known better before swallowing that pill...
Have been drifting in and out of sleep; in and out of consciousness every now and then.
(even at this very moment, I'm not very sure if I'm fully conscious or not. So pardon me if I write nonsense here.) 

Took MC today.
Finally decided not to be ti-ki and rest at home.

Stared at the ceiling and
pondered about some things.

1. For the self
"Don't live for others."
"They are not even the most important people in your life."

Why do we always measure ourselves against some standards that are determined by someone else?
What is it about others that can have such an impact on your self esteem and confidence?
Why let them take charge of how you feel about yourself?

Why others, and not the self?


2. It's so easy to make a sick person's day.
Being sick makes me more vulnerable inside.
As if the outer shell is temporarily deactivated (too ill to bother putting up a strong front), and people can reach in and touch my softer, hidden insides very easily.

Which means that it's easier to hurt. Similarly, it's also easier to heal.

Kindness, expressed simply by "how are you feeling?", "here's something to cheer you up", means so much to me.

To know that people do care.


3. Something major. 
I've noticed an uncanny coincidence - I tend to fall sick just before / after something major happens.
It's like my body's way of telling me that I'm either too stressed up over some important event (the before), or that I've pushed myself too hard and it's time to rest now (the after).
Or that the negative emotions somehow got externalised as a big bout of illness (the after).

Which makes sense.

"Why are you always so hard on yourself? Stop worrying; stop thinking; stop letting the negativity get to you. Time to take a break and rest." 
And in order to do that, you've got to take those nasty drowsiness-inducing medicines to force you to sleep... so don't complain.


4. Something minor.
I just noticed that I'm actually more conscious now, than I was half an hour ago.
And it's nearing bed time.


5. Let it out, and let it go.
I think I should cry - for multitude of reasons (not all are bad).
But I can't bring myself to cry.
Because that would mean something, and I might not be ready to face it.

Am I strong enough to let it go...?


6. 
I listen to this piece when my heart feels choked up, and my feelings have nowhere to go.



Let it flow.

I feel like I'm here, and not here at the same time. 

Time to sleep.

Midnight sun~*

Beautiful notes, steady rhythm.
In waves
Everything in perfect harmony.

Words,
Spoken not by us,
Lingered in the densely humid air.

In the darkness.
We reached for each other.
The way we usually do.

Longing, yearning.
We advanced, halted, retreated.
Ebbed and flowed.
Came and went.

The poignancy,
the quiet beauty,
the soft curves amid the sharp edges.

Time slowed and came to a standstill.
Silence hung in the air.
Comfortable, and serene.
We sat and watched in silence.

The setting midnight sun.

There was no need for words.
There never was.

~*~*~*~*

So much poignancy, indeed.

No, I guess it's more like wistfulness.

Anyhow, I really, really envy (some) poets and writers and lyricists.
Writing not just a chain of alphabets put together to form something called words, but portraying something so intimately connected to us in one way or another;
something that can strike a chord, tug at your heartstrings;
something that heals, or dig at old wounds, and stir emotions you hadn't known you possessed.

Recently, I came across some excerpts of poems written by Pablo Neruda, the Chilean poet.

THIS.

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz, 

or arrow of carnations that propagate fire: 

I love you as one loves certain obscure things, 

secretly, between the shadow and the soul. 

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom but carries 

the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself, 

and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose 

from the earth lives dimly in my body. 

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, 

I love you directly without problems or pride: 

I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love, 

except in this form in which I am not nor are you, 

so close that your hand upon my chest is mine, 

so close that your eyes close with my dreams.

- Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets XVII

source 

~*~*~*

Somehow, I'd managed to survive the past week - it was an intense and difficult week.

Being alone in the office when it's all dark outside is not fun.
Me and my inefficiency, and that stubbornness...

So, what are the things / who are the people who keep your sanity in check?

Thank you.

~*~*~*

Cello.
Should I, or should I not?

~*~*~*

A new set of challenges await.

So Vague, So Random~*

The most amazing thing happened to me when I was travelling to my braces clinic to get the stitches removed.

"This is for you."

A handwritten note by a random stranger.

Never miss a connection. 

Hello, dear Murakami fan. 
Kindred spirits, indeed. 

A scene straight out of a movie / novel.

The note is now safely tucked in between the pages in Dance, Dance, Dance.

Pass it on.
And hope that one day, it'll come back in one full circle

~*~*~*

“So what can I do now?" she spoke up a minute later. 

"Nothing," I said. 

"Just think about what comes before words. You owe that to the dead. 

As time goes on, you'll understand. 

What lasts, lasts; what doesn't, doesn't. 

Time solves most things. 

And what time can't solve, you have to solve yourself. 

Is that too much to ask?" 

"A little," she said, trying to smile. 

"Well, of course it is," I said, trying to smile too. 

"I doubt that this makes sense to most people. But I think I'm right. 

People die all the time. 

Life is a lot more fragile than we think. 

So you should treat others in a way that leaves no regrets. 

Fairly, and if posible, sincerely. 

It's too easy not to make the effort, then weep and wring your hands after the person dies.

Personally, I don't buy it." 

Yuki leaned against the car door. 

"But that's real hard, isn't it?" she said. 

"Real hard," I said. "But it's worth trying for.”

- Murakami Haruki, Dance, Dance, Dance 

~*~*~*

Burning, burning.

with... (what's it called?) 

For like ever.

~*~*~*

Something that shifts and bends, 

wavers, denies, inflates, soars, lingers... 

Let it linger on our fingertips,

and in the look we exchange...

Cherish that delicate moment before it hardens, and takes shape. 

And when the ethereality dissipates. 

~*~*~*

Five Spot after Dark - Curtis Fuller's Quintet

This has no relation whatsoever with this random photo...
but still, who needs a reason to introduce a jazz piece...? 

Wear the World

~*~*~*

When the demons come out to play. 

Are you ready to face your inner demons?

When you feel my heat 
Look into my eyes 
It’s where my demons hide 
It’s where my demons hide 
Don’t get too close 
It’s dark inside 
It’s where my demons hide 
It’s where my demons hide


~*~*~*

Deep down,
Still a hopeless romantic...



How wonderful life is while you're in the world...

A right kind of love...?~*

Watched Drive again.

A hopeless romantic,
a protective knight in shining armour  a biker jacket...
who has a dark, dark side.

How far are you willing to go, to protect your loved ones...?

My heart went out to the Driver...

I noticed that I tend to empathize with the not-your-typical-nice-guy-protagonists - the dangerous, dark, depressed, aggressive, guarded, damaged...

Before you think that I'm sick in the mind, I have to clarify that the person mustn't be completely devoid of compassion or love. In other words, not someone like Kevin (from 'We need to talk about Kevin'; that guy is extremely sinister & unsettling).
I'm referring to people like the Driver, Phantom (from POTO), Eli (from 'Let the Right One In'), 47 (from 'Hitman'), Edward (from 'Edward Scissorshand', NOT 'TWILIGHT') etc...

There are many more, but I'm having trouble recalling all of them.

I have a soft spot for people like them...
People who love in a different way.

Love takes so many different forms.

Who is to say that there must be a right form of expression?

This song has been replaying over and over in my mind.

A real human being 

And a real hero 

Back against the wall and odds 

With the strength of a will and a cause 

Your pursuits are called outstanding 

You're emotionally complex 

Against the grain of dystopic claims 

Not the thoughts your actions entertain 

And you, have proved, to be 

A real human being 

And a real hero 

Wry smile~*

"Is this the right shade of red...?"

Questions left unasked,
unanswered (duh).

Maybe I don't need a reply.

~*~*

Oftentimes, I can't express myself very well.
A constant struggle between saying too much, and saying too little.

~*~*

"I don't know what I want."

Neither do I.

That's not necessarily a bad thing, is it?

The process of self-discovery is, itself, a pretty amazing journey, I believe.

~*~*

Have been reading non-fiction books...
and it's making me crave so badly for an escapade to a different reality.

And to distance myself from some things / situations that make me feel like I can't breathe properly....


...Like the wretched haze.

~*~*

And this.

"It’s nothing personal; if anything, I suppose we’re just a stream of what-ifs and oh-wells. 

After all, you are the boy with a smile like Christmas; and I am the girl who has a tendency to drown in indigo blues. 

“I think I knew you before,” you’d say, “once upon a time.” 

I am the kind of girl you could never fall in love with at first sight. I am a half-assed inner monologue riddled with inconsistencies and hypocrisies; but you are genuine and unbroken, and solitude isn’t your forte. 

“I knew,” I’d tell you, “but it’s never summer where I’m from.”

Source

Touched a raw nerve somewhere.

I know what you will say, and you know what I will say too.
And so, we'll look at each other, 

and give each other a wry smile. 

Here & There~*

1. Fragility.

Here at this instant, gone in the next.
The heart is pumping... but everything stops someday.

2. Antithesis.

Having seen the bright lights of the day doesn't make you anymore knowledgeable about the depth of darkness at night.

3. Intensity.

Love so hard until it hurts.

3.5. Somewhere in Between. 

Sights, sounds, smells... all blended together with the night.

The nights which oscillated between dream and reality...

Let's hold hands and gaze at the moon... 

It would be such a beautiful sight...
so beautiful that my heart would ache and I would cry. 

4. Tranquility.

Hualien, you're so beautiful.

Taroko Gorge

When everything is in balance and you're suddenly at ease with yourself.

Sunset at Fisherman's Wharf (Taipei)

Fisherman's Wharf (Taipei)

 It doesn't take much to achieve that tranquility... yet.

5. Quiet Room.

Retreated into the quiet room, and curled up on the soft and velvety maroon coloured armchair.

So comfortable,
too comfortable.

The door is closed, and you're not ready to open it.
But you're afraid that you might never be ready to open it...

What are you afraid of, really...? 

6. Chrysalis 

Stop hiding.

7. MH.

"Wait! Let me take a photo of this!" 

This ad occupied an entire wall (Page One at Taipei)

"How long must I wait for the English translation.........."

Still cannot get over how long the title is.

8. Her.

Maybe she isn't that kind of girl to begin with...
that kind of girl.

maybe it isn't because she's not trying hard enough,
but because she no longer understands why she needs to try to become someone else.

Wrapped in thought (...ok that's quite lame)

9. Happy Lunar New Year.

It has been a pretty strange lunar new year so far... 

Out of ordinary I guess..

But anyway, it's still a much needed break from work (hell will be unleashed starting from tomorrow), and also a good opportunity to spend more time with my family.

Also, I do hope that she will get well soon...!!! 

It pains me to see young children get very sick... (Totally reminds me of Pediatric Psych...) 

So people, do take care of your health!! 

On a related note, it's time to DETOX (mind and body)!!!! 

The things on my mind one rainy night~*

Heavy rain, work, stressful meeting, Rachael Yamagata (!!!), Christmas lights, quaint cafes, MBS staycation, Wild Sheep Chase, macchiato, ailing laptop which gives people mild electric shocks, very long & wet hair, harmony-seeking idealist & dynamic thinker, conscientiousness, Christmas gift exchange, Sony Xperia Z/Z1, chestnut tart, Taiwan trip, pumpkin soup, new year resolutions, uncertainties, countless weddings, vegetarian Japanese food (green tea soba), solitude, empty-brained, sleep, dreams...

All jumbled up. Too lazy to elaborate.

 But it's possibly the least vague entry for a long time.

Night & Day ~*

source

The light of morning decomposes everything.

- Haruki Murakami, A Wild Sheep Chase

The morning breaks,

and you wake up from your dream.

You peel off your lovely, shimmering red gown, and remove your glass slippers.

You don on the usual office outfit which you've worn umpteen times, slip into your boring pair of black flats, and 

step.right.back.into.reality.

Your real life.

You live, and function as you normally do. 

Your fingers run across the keyboard, eyes focused on the computer screen. 

During lunch, you have the same old dish at the same old place.

You make the small talks, punctuated with occasional laughter. 

Then, you eye your watch and start the countdown. 

Life, as it has always been.

And when the moon slowly shows itself in the sky, 

you abandon your self. 

You find the entrance to the non-existent place. 

Your other life.

The dream-like place.

Where there is no right or wrong,
where anything is possible.

That's what the night does to you.
It offers you infinite possibilities - in your mind.

Then,
the morning breaks...

Inochi?~*

"Inochi."
"Who is inochi?"
"Inochi = life"
"Oh.. what about 'such is life'?'
"hmm... sore ga inochi desu? haha" (note: I got it all wrong. according to google translate, it should be 'kore wa  jinseidesu.')
"No question mark. sore ga inochi desu."
"Sore ga inochi desu!!!"
"Hahaha."

Oh, life.
Can we really live such that an exclamation mark is the most appropriate punctuation mark to illustrate our lives?

I think mine is probably somewhere between a question mark and fullstop.
~*~*~*~

TORRENTS of rain just descended from the dark sky.
Dark, with a hint of crimson.

Furious, loud, and bold raindrops. 

From afar,
the raindrops look like they are black in colour...

And the moon disappeared behind the thick, darkened clouds...
somewhere.

~*~*~*

Went back to listen to 'Sagittarius' by Suemitsu & The Suemith...

It still has an effect on me.
Once I hear the first four piano chords... something quivers, trembles, and wrenches.

And this time, it's of a different reason altogether.

There's a light. 
which will show us that the dream is somewhere, somewhere, somewhere...

those who know of the light, who know the existence of the dream...
somewhere, somewhere, somewhere...

Along with those feelings...

Someday, someday, someday... 

An Education~*

At some point in time,
we got our hearts broken.

While some of us were able to gather the broken shards and piece them back together,
others are still searching for the missing pieces...

Nobody taught us
what is hurt,
what is regret,
what is betrayal
what is life...

and neither did anyone tell us
how to mend our hearts, our souls,
how to recover,
how to feel alive again.

nor did anyone offer us a map to navigate through life.

Because these things cannot be taught.
They can only be learnt from experiences.


"I feel old, but not wise."

- Jenny (starred by Carey Mulligan), An Education

There are still many more life lessons for me to learn.
It's probably not going to be easy,
but..., we'll see.

Carte Vierge~*

source

Please hold my hand,

and guide me. 

"...beautiful heartbreak or endless dream..."

It doesn't matter.

Destination: nowhere.

It doesn't matter.

~*~*
Surreal. 

How do you know if something really happened?

Seeking for some proof, some evidence.
To assure myself that it wasn't just another vivid dream.

the aching heart, the racing heartbeat, the flush. 

Couldn't have stemmed from thoughts & dreams alone.

~*~*
Celeste & Jesse Forever 

(source)

What matters more...?
Being right, or being happy?  

This film gave me such a strange mix of emotions that (perhaps it's due to my limited vocabulary) cannot put in words...

Celeste said this during her best friend's wedding.

"Work hard at that. 

Respect that. 

Be patient, and you don’t always have to be right. 

And if you are, it doesn't f***ing matter anyway. 

Fight for it, everyday. 

I wish I had."

I wish I had. 

That's such a sad sentence, isn't it? 

I wish I knew.

I wish I did. 

I wish I had. 

I wish it could have been like this.

It might have been like this. 

Expressions of regret. 

Regret.

It possesses an element of... knowing.

Before you feel regretful, you'll need to know what was the 'right' thing you should have done. 

And it also means you had a choice. 

But unfortunately, you made a wrong choice.

How do you know whether or not you're going to make a decision which you might regret? 

You don't. 

And you can only assume that it is right, until proven otherwise.

It's not a love story, but a story about love. 

Work hard for it.

If things don't work out eventually, at least we know we've tried.

And then, 

we'll know.

It taught me that,

When it's time to let go, we've got to let it go.

This song is the perfect song for this movie.

Have been putting it on repeat.

so achingly... sad. 

~*~*
Ctrl ?

"When I play games, I'll save the game and restart if it's not turning out the way I want it to be. 
But unfortunately, life is not a game."

No Ctrl + Z, no Ctrl + X, no backspace.

~*~*
Live in the moment.

How much time do we have left,
before cognitive dissonance sets in...?

Till then,
let's go somewhere far away..., shall we?