funny non-fiction~*

I'm resigning to fate.

Sigh...

Upon receiving the NUS package and letter of acceptance, I suddenly feel a sudden rush of dread and confusion.

 

Like somebody who is standing in front of a gate leading to a place which seems too big, too tall, too unfamiliar. Treading on unfamiliar path. 

Walking on tightrope. 

And there's the dreadful QET >.< 

(yeah screw you, Jasmine, for screwing up your GP!) 

It's actually pretty funny, when you think about it. 

My mood was improving a lot since last week (past few days were EXTREMELY TERRIBLE. MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTING.).

Thanks to the very encouraging card and present and many many sweet and lovely messages. :) 

ANYWAY, the point is, everything was relative OKAY until I saw this thick brown packaging lying on the table. 

and everything was OKAY until my eyes laid on the sample QET paper. 

Section C: ESSAY WRITING 70%

... TEST DURATION: 2 hours 15 mins

My first reaction was

"wei, thank you leh."

and I proceeded to tear my hair off my head. 

Well, AFTER I read the sample essay question, 

".... Defend your position with arguments and examples drawn from situations in your country..." 

I realized 72 handfuls of hair are gone and I'm going to be bald. 

Anyway, the reason why it's so funny is that,

I'm gonna flunk my very first test even before I start school. 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

And in case you don't find it funny, 

Date of Qualifying English Test 1: 16th July 2009 

.....

You know what? 

Life has a SICK SICK SICK sense of humour. 

Seems like Jasmine is still far far far away from recovery. 

I feel different~*

When you see someone worse off than you

you feel a little relieved.

When you see someone happier than you

you quickly become impatient.

But sometimes you

realize just how pitiful you are

and you crash into reality.

If you think you're such a victim,

then you should act out until the end

this pretense of not caring about losing everything.

What do you wish for tomorrow?

Sometime please tell me if you

think you can get through this

interminable night that continues

in darkness.

-End of the World by Ayumi

Element: Water

Music: Futari de jidai wo kaede mitai by Every Little Thing

(why do they always have such long song titles?)

Anyway, this song always makes me feel really really emotional.

Alright. I'm obviously not in a good mood here.

So it's gonna be a pretty angsty entry, I guess.

And I hope it's not gonna be the last entry before I go into study-mode.

When you see someone worse off than you
you feel a little relieved.

How true is that?

Ask anyone if they've ever used another person to make them feel more worthy.

They'd probably say yes.

Has anyone not been secretly wishing he/she is not this this this person?

Be it studies wise, status wise, health wise or looks wise.

We like to look around us to search for people whom we can make use of to make ourselves seem better off.

Sounds despicable?

But aren't we all like that?

It's just that sometimes, harsh reality sets in when YOU'RE the one being made used of to make ppl seem like they're the best in the world.

Like when you were a light source, you'll want to stay together with the darkness, the overshadowed people, to outshine yourself.

That's why people say pretty people like to hang out with the not-so-pretty people.

Which is definitely hurting for the not-so-pretty people.

"You hang out with me because you want me to make you seem better looking? You bother to go out with me just to make yourself feel better? You talk to me so that you can seem more classy compared to me?"

That's reality, isn't it?

When you see someone happier than you
you quickly become impatient.

Because in your life, there can be no one who's better than you.

Period.

But sometimes you
realize just how pitiful you are
and you crash into reality.

I've always loved this sentence.

So true so true.

Oftentimes when we tell ourselves we're the best, we're just lying to ourselves.

Confident people are merely good liars.

Reality is not what we hope to experience.

Although we're just young people and have probably not experienced what's reality, I can understand that the pain and hurt that we would experience would be beyond my expectations.

If you think you're such a victim,
then you should act out until the end
this pretense of not caring about losing everything.

We're all victims of this cruel and dark society.

While we always say things like "Ahh. Who cares if I flunk this test?! Who cares if I lose my boyfriend one day? It's his problem anyway."

We never mean what we say.

Words can only convey this much information.

Words can hide your innerself.

It can be powerful, but it can also be just a powerless tool with no credibility.

We all don't want to lose, don't we?

That's why we're always competiting with everybody else.

Yesterday at Vivo

Joyce and Serene: Why are we walking so quickly?

Jas: Because everybody else is walking fast.

What do you wish for tomorrow?
Sometime please tell me if you
think you can get through this
interminable night that continues
in darkness.

I have always surprised myself when I wake up to a new day.

"I'm alive for one more day."

Darkness

Sometimes, it hurts.

It really hurts. Deep inside my heart.

Knowing I'm different from them.

Knowing I'll never be the same as them

You might start scolding me and saying things like "What ON EARTH are you talking about?!"

But's that's the way I feel sometimes.

I like to listen to other people talk these days.

Instead of me opening my mouth and finding interesting things to talk about/lame jokes to crack.

The fact is that, I feel different.

I realized,

I can only smile, laugh and nod.

And I feel inferior when I'm with you all.

As much as I love you all, I feel different from you all.

If I used the example of darkness and light source, then I'm the darkness.

Because, Jasmine is not the Jasmine anymore.

I still remember, when I read what Shige(from NEWS) asked Koyama(NEWS)

"Do you go out with me because you take pity on me?"

I felt really bad for him. Because Shige's self-esteem is so low.

And then this time round, I want to ask

"Do you go out with me because you feel obliged to?"

It's complicated. It's complicated.

How can I ever be compared to you girls?

The shining, bright, youthful, gorgeous, attractive, intelligent, free, happy bunch of people?

I admire you all. I really envy everything you all have.

Because, as much as I pretend to be strong, I have none of the things you all have.

All I have, in fact, is just a sad personality, an empty shell, a pair of sad eyes, sad looks...

Enough said.

For the very first time, I actually dug deep into my heart and poured everything out.

Read while you can. I might delete this crap entry anytime. haha.

Tears goodbye~*

Mood: Vexed
Music: Houkago Blues by Yamashita Tomohisa (NEWS)


"The person we understand the least is probably ourselves."


I don't know what made me say that.
But it's the truth.
The one who does the unthinkable is me.
The one who hurts myself the most is me.


What do you get when you add

1. A logical thinker
2. A down-to earth lover
3. A positive supporter
4. A temperamental fool?

A heart-to-heart which makes me think and feel a lot.


Thinking too much.
Feeling too much.
Overwhelming emotions.
Exhausted mind and soul.
Hating oneself.


If I were to be a little more positive, a little less emotional, I might not have ended up in this crazy emotional turmoil.

Today is the day.
When I pour out all the emotions I've been keeping deep inside my heart.
Learning so much from my most precious clique,
sharing so much, thinking so much, feeling so much, I thought I might cry.


I've hurt and been hurt.
It's really just a part and parcel of life, isn't it?
The only way to be able to grow up is to hurt and be hurt...

Perhaps we really cannot live without hurting others.


"Don't be an ostrich and hide away from everything."

Yes.

For half of my life, I've been hiding.
Running away from problems, telling myself everything's alright when they obviously aren't.

I've been rejecting many people around me.
But most importantly, I've been rejecting myself.

Honestly speaking, I hate myself.

I hate myself for being so soft-hearted.
I hate myself for being venomous unknowingly.
I hate myself for making people cry for me.
I hate myself for being so indecisive.
I hate myself for having such a low self-esteem.


"S.O.S"


"Being depressed will not solve anything. Being indecisive will not help. Please, Jas, make up your damn mind!"
I keep telling myself that.

The one who scolded myself is me.
The one who pushed the thought away is also me.


The one who believed in myself is me.
The one who distrusted myself is also me.



If life can be a little simpler...
Or maybe if I can think simpler, things would be fine.


"I like you."

The one who believe in that phrase is me.
The one who doubt that sentence is also me.


I need to wake up.
I seriously need to wake up.

I've hurt enough.
In those endless dark nights, I blamed myself for everything.
I'm at fault.
I really am.
But why can't I have the power to turn back time?
To the time when everything was as simple as addition and subtraction?
To be as we were when we first met?
Innocent chats on phone, laughing at lame jokes, talking about our deepest secrets, laughing at each other...

It's all too late, isn't it?



And now, I need to prevent history from occurring.

I need to make up my mind.



I'm grateful for my most beloved girls.
Serene, Yeeyan, Joyce.
The thinker, the lover, the optimistic support.
If we had more time, I would've poured out everything that's been on my mind.
We've matured.
All of us.

It's no longer leaving to correction tapes or locks to decide our fate.

I love all of them.
Without them, I really don't know where am I now.


"I'm grateful for the days spent in sec sch..."


We all are, aren't we?


We shall have more heart-to-heart next time. :)
(Minus away the times when I nearly died from laughter. MM? PP? LOL!)



I'm sorry for such a depressed entry.



Everyone has days when we start doubting our life.
Doubting our decisions.
Days when we cry to sleep.

Weeping like we've never cried.
Hurting like we've never hurt.


The days when nothing turns out right.
Days when life seems worthless.
Days when our heart aches.
Days when the tears just flow...

All of us have gone through that, haven't we?

And all of us survived those days, haven't we?


Hopefully, someday...

someday, I'll be strong enough to look back at the past without crying.


That day will come, surely.


For now, I just need to make a decision.

and wave those tears goodbye.

ahhh.~*

Mood:







Music: DOUBLE by BoA.

A little stronger.
A little more optimistic.
A little more carefree.
A little more positive.
A little happier...

a little more...

もうすこし。。。 (a little more...)


Shit. My initial high spirit has been reduced to nothing now.

SIEWBOON... you really shouldn't have added that "cos results is bad lor =(" in that message for us to REDO chem test MCQ. =( =( =(

Jasmine is suffering from "low tension" now. T^T


And the super hot weather just adds on to my frustration.
I NEARLY managed to push all those exam-related crap to the back of my mind.
So close...
and now, I'm back feeling horrid about myself.

Aileen, thanks so much for all those words of encouragement. Without those, I might've knocked my head against the wall just now. Yup.. I ought to be more positive about it. But I just feel horrendous. Really disappointed in myself...



Sometimes you feel that life owes you too much.
Or maybe it's just us who owe ourselves an explanation. =/



OKAY. on a lighter note, yesterday was spent happily with Serene.
haha. We couldn't really get our eyes off Uchi, could we? XD
And I FINALLY got my sister's bday present. ^_^
She's gonna LOVE me to death.

"What is it???"

Let's see. Something gothic, something pretty, something small, something interesting...
basically just something she'll love.
I really need to thank Serene for helping me find the ideal present for her. haha.
(oh and all those trips to and fro.. thanks girl. :))


Clarrisa just msged me.
Yes. I'm feeling awful as well.
AHHHH.
I'm NOT gonna go to sch on Tuesday.



Note: I'm so upset, I changed the blog music from the initial HIGH and GENKI song to this really sad song... My mood. totally.

Messed~*

Ayumi~* [I'm currently in this state. Suffering from continuous excrutiating migraines. URGH.]

Mood: ...

Music: None.

From this summer we will shine more brightly.

Dance to the beat, experience it,

For our future awaits us

That's the most important thing now

-Glitter by Ayu

It's the second song in the playlist. ^_^

I feel like a zombie these days.

There're so many things waiting for me to accomplish.

And of course, despite the many pathetic attempts to try and push some things to the back of my mind, they're ALWAYS back to haunt me.

1. PW.

I just realized that we're entering the last week of June Holidays and there's hardly any progress in our PW. And just thinking about it makes me wanna throw up.

2. Exams. OH SOMEONE JUST KILL ME.

3. Piano. Goodness. For the first time in infinite number of years, I was praised last week by my piano teacher. But guess what? I think I'm gonna screw everything up today.

4. Birthdays. SHIT. BLOODY SHIT. My sister's birthday is coming SOON. Oh oh. and my cousin's. AHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Seriously. My life's in a mess.

I, Jasmine, seriously need some motivation. :(