Strength...~*

Will be praying for you...

"That's not true," corrects my shadow. "You are not lost. It's just that your own thoughts are being kept from you, or hidden away. But the mind is stong. It survives, even without thought. Even with everything taken away, it holds a seed - your self. You must believe in your own powers."

- 'Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World' by Murakami Haruki

I was keeping my cool.
Struggling to calm my emotions, sounding really composed, calm, completely void of emotions.
In fact, I think I haven't spoken in such a cold tone before in my life.

I even surprised myself.

I guess my gaze could've frozen someone.


Beneath this steely, cold, pokerface, emotions were bubbling within me.
frustrated. confused. frightened.

for the first time in my life, I interrupted the fiery conversation when things were threatening to go out of control.
for the first time in my life, I looked at him directly in the eye with cold eyes.
for the first time in my life, I spoke up for my mother.

for the first time in my life, he was left speechless.



When in fact, my hands were already trembling.



Deep down, I was sending a mental S.O.S.
I was so damn bloody frightened.


But I guess, what matters most is that my message was put across.



I'm no longer the little girl hiding in my room, eavesdropping and then crying as if I could never stop crying.
I'm no longer the person so weak that I can only watch from afar and then retreat.


but I won't be like my sister, who lashes out and then display her extreme emotions openly.





You know,
I'm not a great or noble person who is highly influential. (in fact, I'm the very opposite)

I get scared easily (especially of him).

I hate disputes, conflicts and all those nonsense that happen every now and then... (and just when I thought things were turning better...)

I still don't understand many things that are happening, and I might never will.


Even then,
once my protectionistic instinct is awakened,

I will do what I deem right.


and I learnt that displaying emotions won't work.
crying, shouting, raising one's voice won't work.




and hiding won't work either.




it's time to let him know that.


we've got minds of our own.


not marionettes. anymore.





anyway, I was in a perplexed mood until I read a blog entry.
and it brought a smile to my face.

the difference between now and then...
to smile about the past. and to truly embrace them.






Grateful for the strength in me a few hours ago.
But,
I still need to be stronger.
In order to truly protect those I love and care.

Please, please.

Am I?~*

I keep laughing at this picture. XD



As of 27th June 1.24am,

LEFT EAR-SAN HAS FULLY RECOVERD. :)
(ok. 99% at least)
THANK GOODNESS..............

It all happened so suddenly, plus many things were happening at the same time.
So I didn't know how to react then.



1. my sister is BACK from Melbourne! :)

Back with a car accident (bam bam bam), HUGE bag of chocolates (DARK!), many many presents for friends (AND NOTHING FOR ME) and well, complaints about the warm weather (It's in the genes).

haha. But well, she was all smiles when we were chatting today. To summarize, it feels good to have her back. :)



2. Went for my uni health check up with tako.
AS ALWAYS, I think I failed my eye test. =___=
(well, I've been failing the eyesight test since sec 1 and was always told to change my specs.)
time to change specs again... *GROANS*

I'm going to change to lime green cat eye glasses.


OK KIDDING.

But all went well *relieved*


3. GABRIEL Fauré

SHEEEEEESH. My teacher is throwing me a diploma exam piece composed by FAURE!
FAURE FAURE FAURE FAURE FAURE.

The teacher of DEBUSSY AND RAVEL.

FAURE! @_@


BUT, it sounds ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. And immediately, an image was formed in my mind...

OK. WITH THIS, I'LL GIVE MY ALL FOR THIS PIECE.



4. Michael Jackson passed away.
And I gotta agree with yy. It's a very random death.

Shocking, yes. But more of random.

Don't you think so? like suddenly someone comes up to you and say, "my cat got stuck in the sink."

ok lousy example but you get the randomness? Maybe it's cos I need some time to digest this news.
But still, he's a legacy and probably tens of thousand of ppl would be mourning for him.

He'll definitely be remembered. For the good music and dance, I mean.



5. I'm just not the type of people who can appreciate chick lit.

So, I gave up on one. (I mistook it for anything but chick lit)

Well, I've tried telling myself to lighten up a little and give chick lit a try. But always always, I end up feeling disappointed and well, unable to continue the story.

Not that I'm looking for something dark and serious all the time. More like... I need something that feeds my hunger for really huge waves of emotions.

I don't know. But I love it when I can feel myself ABSORBED in the story and feel the emotions felt by the characters... Like music, like movies...


So now, I'm currently reading 'Carry Me Down' by M.J. Hyland. :)
Will talk about it soon.




6. Tell me what I don't know.

Just off the phone.

I have such an overwhelming urge to be right next to you.
and to reassure you again and again.
and to look at you in the eyes and tell you 'It's okay'.

Simply because it will be, even though it's hard to believe at the moment.


I don't know how many encouraging words you can digest because I'm afraid of overdoing things and devaluing those words.
I don't know how much impact I can have on you because I'm afraid of having an impact like feather drifting onto a palm.
I don't know how to make the pain go away because things I can do never seem enough.

I can only watch you from afar.
I can offer you nothing but mere words.

Words that can be meaningless.


I'll have to admit that I do feel powerless from time to time.
I have my dark moments, times when I feel really really uncertain of myself.
Even now, I will still be affected by my inferior complex.
Because... I'm just so different from...


I am giving my all this time.
Really really...

Hontou ni.
Ganbatte...


Please tell me.
What else I can do.

Besides silly messages, weak attempts to cheer you up, lame jokes etc...


And am I... really good enough?



7. Oftentimes,
I think about who I have to be.

Who I am forced to be.


Why.



8. SHIT. Caffeine is making my brain all twisted and emotions all crazy and bitter.




9. I think about how much I devalue myself, how little I think of myself.

I think about how I pressurize myself and force myself to do painful things.
I think about how I become someone I'm not just to please others.
I think about my existence as a big fat question mark.
I think about how people just cannot understand why I feel this way.

I think about how much I am really worth...


I think about crazy things.


I think about all these and I just want to run and run and run.



10. I think about how this entry has morphed from a bright, happy entry to a bloody bitter one.


At this moment, I wish I could turn back time such that I won't drink that iced coffee.
Shit. Look what caffeine can do to me.


Random:





















Singapore Sling

move on~*

Mood: lost
Music: Only Human by K


Is it just me or is the earth spinning too fast?




How is it possible to feel so happy at one moment and so lost at the other?

Sometimes, don't you want to shout 'stop it, life. stop slapping me with all the bad things!'
don't you?

Like I've said many many times, my life is like a rollercoaster ride.
And now, it's heading downwards.

Plunging, plunging...








Why won't my ears help me a little?
At this very crucial moment (mon's the grade 6 piano exam), my right ear has to block.
and it definitely doesn't take a short time to recover.
And I can't play like this.

I can't tell crescendos.
My left hand sounds louder than my right hand.
I'm just playing judging on the strength I exert on the keys.



All messed up.


And I don't even know how well I am playing.

For the 3 pieces, I need to create a relatively happy mood.
But with my foul mood, they all sounded like funeral march.


Just now, when I went over to serene's place, I played my pieces for her.

Serene: the first song sounds really happy. :)


and now. what's left of that happy song is a piece of junk.
and what about my aural?


I just gave up playing and lay on the piano, completely motionless.
I hate to think that after months of hard work (I really did work on them), I have to screw up everything.
I hate to think that I'm in fact comtemplating the possibility of running away.
I hate to admit that I'm an ikujinashi, a complete coward.



but then again, aren't everyone running away all the time?





and I hope that my right ear will be fine tomorrow.



no matter how weak I am, I still have to move on.



Douka kamisama, boku ni yuuki wo kudasai...




Minna, I hope all of you will have the strength to carry on no matter what.