And so I spent the past n hours in tears.

As expected, my draft came back with comments that dissolved me into tears and shattered whatever little esteem I had.

Each comment was a stab right through the center of my heart.
72 stabs.

Hit rock bottom.
I'm trying to crawl back up but I'm drained.

Can I surrender...?

I'm just not good enough.

In Hell~*

My love language profile:

1. Quality Time (same as you MW)
2. Words of Affirmation
3. Acts of Service
4. Physical Touch
5. Receiving Gifts

(source)

So... in other words, I'm low maintenance? hahaha
Just being there for me is more than enough :)

I guess I'm the kind of person who values psychological connection and closeness with significant people.
no need for flowery and pretentious peripherals.
Just, quality food for the soul.

~*~*

On a side note,
I went to hell and managed to crawl back up a little.
Halfway between hell and earth.

Gruelling. Arduous.

No words can describe how close I was to giving up.

At that moment, it seemed so easy.
Especially after knowing that quite a number of year 4s are extending another semester, and that some HT people have dropped thesis...
so, so easy.

Maybe it's because I'm such a wimp.

Anyhow, I have no idea how I survived the past few weeks.
Heaved a sigh of relief after submitting thesis draft.... but I know it's just a temporal relief.
When the feedback comes back, I think I'm going back to hell.

2 weeks to submission.
When the day comes, I will probably cry buckets.
Of immense relief? regret? anxiety? fear?  

There are certainly days when I doubt my choice of doing thesis.
Wanted to push myself a little; to get out of comfort zone.
But now that I'm out, I kind of wish I were back inside.
The irony.

But then again,
there were so many precious lessons learnt along the way.

Painful lessons, I guess.

Oh well,
as much as I complain, rant, cry, scream, whimper...
it can't change anything.
it won't change anything.

Had a nice cup of flower chamomile tea last night.
But alas, it hardly aided me in having a good night's rest.
(I haven't been sleeping well for weeks).

Why do adolescents commit suicide? (suicide research)
Hmm... good question.

Tell yourself~*

This too shall pass.

Abyss~*

I'm walking on a tightrope.
One more slip and I'll plunge into the abyss.

Maybe it's only a matter of time.
The plunge is going to hurt damn bad. 
It might shatter the things I'm so desperately holding onto. 

Be positive, stay positive, keep positive.

At times, I really wonder if that's really possible. 

Drained. Sucked dry. Burnt out. Living dead.

At its peak~*

I'm writing pretty often nowadays.

Maybe it's because I have lots of pent-up frustrations.

And this space, being my outlet, has to be accommodating to me at this point of time. 

It's stifling, suffocating, smothering, nauseating... overwhelming.

Somehow, just staring at this screen instead of endless articles, outlines and drafts seems to ameliorate some of the nasty symptoms. 

Being able to come here and write stuff, albeit nonsensical and random, repetitive bullshit, is healing. 

"Thesis in the day, suicide at night."

Day in, day out.

At some point in time, you start to get disillusioned. 

But then, you need to anchor yourself back down...

and tell yourself repeatedly

source

until you believe it.

Morbidity~*

(Van Orden, Witte, Cukrowicz, Braithwaite, Selby & Joiner, 2010)

My chosen topic for Developmental Processes research paper.

WHY SO DEPRESSING.

I have a morbid fascination with grim topics like that.

[Was staring at this diagram depicting the proposed Interpersonal Theory of Suicide and I suddenly became aware (and amazed) at my area of interest.]

Keep the faith~*

source

I have been having recurring bouts of headaches.

And I'm becoming scatter-brained,

losing important things, 

like the pack of money for thesis which I stupidly dropped somewhere... 

Frantically sought help from the security guards in U-town... but to no avail. 

It's GONE. 

To whoever who picked it up and conveniently took ownership of it, 

I'd like to quote M's words, 

"KARMA IS A BITCH."

losing focus,

becoming uncertain of my priorities. 

Had a mid-term test the next day and I was still staring at thesis data... without a sense of urgency with regards to the thick pile of readings that's waiting for me.

I could very well flunk it. 

losing direction,

what's next?

losing faith,

can I, really?

BUT,

am I fighting hard to keep it? 

Ditto to all that in bold.

I wasn't fighting hard enough,

wasn't trying hard enough. 

Oftentimes self-defeating thoughts would creep up to me and attempt to knock me over.

Coupled with lousy circumstances and a dose of bad luck.

That's when resilience comes into play. 

Jasmine,

I'm writing all these to tell you that on 11/03/2013, you thought you lost it.

But on 12/03/2013, you will start to find it. 

Slowly. 

And you will keep it.  

 

More to life~*

Strangely, I feel at peace with myself now.

Just a few hours ago, I was a wreck and crazy bunch of nerves - flying off in all directions. 

But I guess now, after composing myself, stepping back and reanalyzing the situation, 

I think I might actually survive this.

I know

there are many, many hurdles for me to cross...

so many more than I've imagined.

Studies, work, family, life... 

Responsibilities are piling up, and so are duties, tasks and demands...

There is no easy way out. 

That's what I've been telling myself all these while.

You know what,

I feel like I'm at a place where the satellite can't detect me and Google Maps can't locate me. 

An uncharted area. 

Can't rely on GPS.

A perfect analogy that I told my friends.

I guess I'm at this juncture where I'm neither here nor there. 

My age - neither here nor there.

My current position - neither here nor there.

Thesis - neither here nor there.

Competency - neither here nor there.

Maybe that's why I feel so.... empty.

I had anticipated a massive emotion breakdown followed by torrents of tears and endless ramblings here about the tragedy of being me/ never-ending self pitying... 

but alas, no.

Learning how to

take things in stride.

Your words ring loud and clear in my ears, though they were said a long time ago.

There's more to life than that.

And so I choose to believe.

No more excessive external contingencies of self-worth. 

As for the challenges that lie ahead...

Just try, try, and try.

Same to all of you out there.

I know we're all trying our best.