Talking to herself

Gratitude~*

2012-02-10T23:14:00.000+08:00

credits

Be grateful for everything

no matter how trivial they may seem.

because we never know if eternity exists.

Problems about the self~*

2012-02-07T22:55:00.000+08:00

Wistful.

"I'd always thought I was sort of a brazen person,

but this issue with hyperventilating made me realize a part of me was, unexpectedly, high strung.

I had no idea how nervous I got at the start of a race.

But it turns out I really was tense, just like everybody else.

It doesn't matter how old I get, but as long as I continue to live I'll always discover something new about myself.

No matter how long you stand there examining yourself naked before a mirror,

you'll never see what's reflected inside."

- 'What I Talk About When I Talk About Running' by Murakami Haruki

Today I had a really good talk with Mabel.

It's those kind of talk that made me introspect a lot.

There was a sudden gush of emotions sometime during the conversation which nearly made the tears come.

It's really during these moments when you learn to take a good look at yourself, listen to what you have said, and be aware of all the things swimming around in your head, lurking somewhere, residing in your unconscious.

There are so many issues with me that I guess I have lost count along the way.

But ultimately, to sum it all up, it has a lot to do with esteem as well as self-love issues.

So, where do I start?

"Don't you get tired...?"

yes, yes, I do.

I take lots of things upon myself.

External contingencies of self-worth.

Defensive pessimists are, after all, still pessimists.

And most importantly, I don't love myself enough.

I hadn't planned for this entry to sound so gloomy.

It's supposed to be more of reflective type of writing.

Because, somehow, I guess I am aware of all these issues with myself so it will be rather strange to start experiencing the 'despair about myself' now.

Actually, aren't most of us aware of our own shortcomings and imperfections?

but, we aren't really doing much to change them, are we?

Anyway, I'm going to try to place 'GRATITUDE' as my dominant emotion from now on.

Perhaps, that might help me a little.

(Taking Emotions module this sem helps)

That's life~*

2012-02-04T09:25:00.000+08:00

"That's life.
Maybe the only thing we can do is accept it, without really knowing what's going on.
Like taxes, the tide rising and falling, John Lennon's death, and miscalls by referees at the World Cup."

- 'What I Talk About When I Talk About Running' by Murakami Haruki

Self-anger~*

2012-01-31T23:49:00.002+08:00

Mabel: I'll do this tomorrow.
Jas: ... I have no tomorrow.

And we laughed.

It was meant to be a joke.
But in retrospect, maybe not.
Mixture of bitterness and frustration and...stress (my most loyal companion).
I don't like it when an idea that we worked on for some time (naively thinking that it's good) turned out to be a completely bad one.

It just makes me feel annoyed at my shortsightedness and...over confidence.
You see, how can I ever learn to be confident in something when things that I am confident in often turn out to be undeserving of such... confidence? that ideas that I am proud of turn out to be fit for the garbage??? (sorry for the harshness)

So you see, to avoid disappointment and self-anger, it's best not to be overly confident and overestimate your own ability.
It's best to just keep your mouth shut and think, Think, THINK.

...
I don't know why I'm over-reacting to this extent.
Perhaps it's the feeling of inadequacy.
It's akin to coming out of my comfort zone (like, finally) and being greeted with a bullet in the head.

As a family~*

2012-01-30T00:21:00.001+08:00

"The love of a family is life's greatest blessing."

It wasn't easy. It isn't easy. It may not be easy.
But right now, I feel truly blessed.

Thank you.

neither here nor there~*

2012-01-26T21:39:00.004+08:00

Have been in a pretty awkward mood lately.

To be more specific, there are many things I should be happy about:

1. I managed to appeal successfully for my bahasa indonesia tutorial slot - which means I don't have to decompose in school for 5 hours, miss my internship and irritate people continuously with my WHINES.

2. Receiving red packets - Right. Receiving $$$ never fails to make people smile. Anyway, Mr Z's family members were really generous and hospitable as well, which kind of calmed my nerves a whole lot.

3. Steamboat, mahjong, lots of chit-chat and laughter - just the 4 of us. The whole atmosphere was impeccably wonderful. :) Nothing feels better than laughing over food and mahjong and soaking up the happy atmosphere. :)

4. Food - Glorious food!! Had the most astounding meal in my life. The amount of delicacies placed before my eyes was mind-boggling. One after another. Thanks to Mr Z's very very very generous uncle.

5. A break - much needed break from school and internship.

However, there are things that well... kind of attenuate that happiness:

1. Losing money - when I place small bets, I get blackjack. when I place bigger bets, the banker gets blackjack. need I say more?

2. Food - time to watch what I eat!

3. The crash from the break - for 2 consecutive days after the break, I'd overslept. But thank goodness I still managed to reach on time/ a little late. Oh well, my mind just can't get back on track.

4. Lots of self-doubts are creeping into my mind again... - just can't seem to shake off certain thoughts about myself... the feeling of inferiority again. That's probably my greatest enemy...

5. Workload - I'm starting to feel the stress setting in.

Of course, losing money is really no big deal - it shouldn't be taken too seriously.

Rather, it's points 4 and 5 that are really draining me.

"Jasmine.... really meek."

Of which I agree with my supervisor wholeheartedly.

Internship has become a way for me to gain new knowledge about myself.
about how this meekness/ timidity/ anxiety is getting the better of me.
about how I'm just... not there yet.
and worse, I don't know how to go there.

And this fear of evaluation is starting to occupy so much of my thinking that I realized I'm making more and more stupid comments, stumbling over words and sounding like a complete idiot.

I don't know how to put it lucidly... but in essence, I'm feeling increasingly fearful of making myself heard, which is BAD.

I don't know what I should do from here except to maybe... try and find a way to attain some much needed self-confidence.

Jasmine, why are you so... meek???

Happy Dragon year!~*

2012-01-23T01:25:00.003+08:00

credit

Happy Dragon year people!

May this new year be a roaring good one! :)

(hmm. do dragons roar?)

Taste as sweet~*

2012-01-17T22:45:00.003+08:00

I was taking the bus home yesterday when a bunch of Nan Hua people boarded the bus.
Plugged into my ipod as usual, I wasn't really paying attention to the conversations that were buzzing about around me.
Then, this boy, who was moving to the rear of the bus, stood right next to me and spoke pretty loudly to his friends.

'You know, 5 years from now we're gonna look back and tell ourselves, "Oh, the days in Nan Hua were the BEST of my life! ..."'

Something stopped at that very instant. Time.
Everything seemed to pull back instantaneously, leaving me with my a surge of indescribable mix of emotions and plenty of messed-up memories.

I had wanted to look at the boy and say, "You know what, you're so damn right about that."

Maybe it wasn't the best time of my life (I've had my fair share of nasty breakdowns and depressed moments) but still, no doubt it has been the most memorable period of my life...

There are about a million and one things worth mentioning about my stay in Nan Hua...
Lots of ups, downs, crazy, heartwarming moments... and the awful hairstyles.
bits and pieces...

It just feels really nostalgic when I think about those days...
And what a pity memory traces are constantly fading...
We need some retrieval cues, don't we?

4/8 '06

Choir '05

(sorry no close-up pics because I don't want to get killed by the girls.)

Anyway, back to what the boy had said,
indeed.
It has been 5/6 years since I graduated from Nan Hua. (what an uncanny coincidence...)

and I really should have told him and his friends,

"Yes. So please, please enjoy every moment now.
It's the time to create the best and the most beautiful memories of which you can look back 5/6 years later and savour them slowly again.

And they would still taste as sweet."

something random.
2 days ago, at a very brief moment, both counters on my blog displayed the same number of days, hours, minutes and seconds. (and I missed that moment)
oh, and my timetable is screwed up.

YOU~*

2012-01-16T00:02:00.000+08:00

On repeat again and again.

I laughed
to softly cover
the insufficient days that passed

I don’t have any confidence
I’m sure everyone feels the same

- 'YOU' by Yui

It's Only A Paper Moon~*

2012-01-14T00:06:00.000+08:00

Say, its only a paper moon
Sailing over a cardboard sea
But it wouldn't be make-believe
If you believed in me

Updates~*

2012-01-13T23:47:00.003+08:00

HEH.

Indeed.

Nobody has been irritating me much recently though.

Actually, people don't irritate me as much as non-living things do.

SL: Jas prefers walking to taking the shuttle bus so that she "can exert control over her life (direct quote from me)".

HAHAHA.

Mabel: she has a high need for an internal locus of control.

INDEED.

People who know me well enough will understand the miserably low level of tolerance I have for the public transport system...

The very idea that my schedule can get messed up by something that's outside my control makes my hair stand.

It always amazes people whenever I tell them I walk from fass to science and back. and I walk from kent ridge station to arts too (ok that was a pretty long walk).

Therefore, I do conclude that I'm eccentric and quirky in my own way.

2.
CNY is coming and I have nothing to wear.
CNY shopping (clothes wise) just kind of drains me of my energy...
If I were to plot my excitement level with time, it's a downward sloping curve.

3.
Week 1 just passed.
And I noticed that for this sem, most of the psych kakis are taking the same mods.
So we've been seeing one another really often these days (minus XL who's in canada, R who's in Silicon Valley and YT who's happily enjoying 'Trauma Psych').
It feels great to have them to chat with - especially on the dreary monday afternoons.

4.
I feel better going for intern and it's mostly due to WJ, J and P - the really awesome friends I made at CGC. :)
J is going back to Australia real soon!)

5.
Sis has moved into her new home.
Although we're not the super close sisters who hang out together often, to be honest, I do miss her at times... especially the lazy sunday afternoons where we basically talk about all sorts of nonsense.

On a sidenote,
I realize my writing is getting rusty.

Life goes on~*

2012-01-09T00:26:00.004+08:00

"Ob-la-di, ob-la-da,
Life goes on, brah!"
- 'Ob-la-di Ob-la-da' by The Beatles

On a The Beatles craze lately (the weakened flame got re-ignited again).
Songs of the present can't be compared with songs of the past. They are way too different.

Over my lemon chamomile and his hot vanilla, the things I tried so hard to push aside resurfaced.
There are just too many things that I am ignorant of (or pretending to be) and too many things tucked away for too long.
Something that's undeniable is the fact that I'm a bundle of nerves.

Side tracking a little, Sumiko Tan is my favourite columnist who writes (rather irregularly) in the straits times. While reading her column today, it struck a chord in me.
Constantly on the edge, yeah?

Anyway, back to that night of htht,
I learnt a lot from him.
About myself, about people, about life in general.

"There are things that can be changed, and things that can't..."

There's still so much for me to improve on, to become a better person...
but meanwhile, thanks for putting up with my imperfections and flaws that are too evident.
Still trying.

Tomorrow marks the start of year 3 sem 2.
It's like gearing up for a very long battle again...
Lethargy and sluggishness will be residing in me for a long, looooong time.

60s~*

2012-01-05T22:52:00.000+08:00

We listened to The Beatles, Cliff Richard, Elvis Presley, Eagles, Bee Gees, Air Supply...

After a hard day's work, nothing beats listening to many, many good oldies and enjoying the company of someone who appreciates the songs as much as you do...

we laughed over the 60's hairstyles

he shared so much about the music culture at that time, about the The Beatles' phenomenal success - topping the music chart for... 2 years (!!!)

we tapped to the rhythm, hummed the melody and waited for the climax of the songs with anticipation...

thank you, dad :)

A tranquil, cooling night.

A stark contrast to the hectic day.

With Murakami's 'What I Talk About When I Talk About Running'.

Soft music playing in the background. 'Hey Jude'.

On a side note, I can't pronounce 'wh', 'b', 'm' and 'p' sounds without grimacing in pain (I've got a big ulcer in the inner side of my upper lip).

oh, and the stupid vending machine ate my $2 note during lunch today.

Welcome 2012!~*

2011-12-31T09:50:00.001+08:00

credit

I'm going to try and avoid all the cliches because I think I've overused them in the past (refer to all my 'new year' entries starting from year 2005).

So, to sum this year up,

it has been a good year :)

Smooth-sailing, no roller coaster rides, tranquil and relatively happy.

Although there are shitty moments (definitely), it's really not so bad when you look at them again.. because it could have been worse.

Hmm.. how should I put it?

The conversation with amber kind of hits all the right places.

"Enough said about me. What about you?"

"My life is really not happening at all. Really boring.

But that's what I want from life. I don't want extreme ups and downs. I want stability and peacefulness..."

Again, it's back to appreciating all the simple pleasures that I have been blessed with.

This may be due to a change in perspectives - the way you view life determines the kind of life you will lead.

Anyhow, my life may not be as happening as others', I may not have achieved as much as others, do not possess as many tangibles as others, may not be fortunate enough to be able to travel around the world, may not have hordes of friends or a wide social circle, may not lead the most enviable life...

I'm still grateful for what I do have - the little satisfaction that I get from what I'm studying/doing, the blessings I receive from people, the times when I feel happy through and through, the important people I have in my life...

all these are what truly matter to me :) For that, I feel very, very grateful already.

So let's see. Have I fulfilled what I set out to achieve in year 2011?
(From here)

So, now, my new year resolutions for year 2011!

1. Approach everything with an open mind and an open heart. (I think I did... especially the fact that I took up an internship, which I normally wouldn't)

2. Cast a positive light on negative thoughts (I did try pretty often I guess)

3. Reduce depressing entries and update more about the happy things in my life - this blog shall not be a breeding ground for depression (hahaha! Ehh... I guess so? Not too sure about this though. but amber did tell me that it got less depressing. hmmm??)

4. Reduce expenditure (hahahaha! hmm... in a way??)

5. Give my 200% in everything I do (I did try my best... so is that 200%? haha)

6. Be more sociable (trying, trying)

7. Clean up my room more often (FAIL. FAIL. FAIL)

8. Be thankful for the day, everyday of my life. (more or less... :))

9. Initiate more gatherings with friends, both old and new (hmmm... sometimes?)

10. Stop being so whiny at times (HAHAHA I think I'm still whiny)

11. Play the piano when I'm free. Don't let my skills become rusty. (FAIL. my skills are super rusty now)

12. Be thankful to people who have stood/will stand by me. (Yes, thank you :))

13. Be accepting of imperfections - both mine as well as others (others yes, mine no)

14. Make the effort to keep in contact with loved ones (I guess :))

15. Start saving! (Ehh.....)

16. Sleep early, for goodness' sake. (FAIL, again)

17. Spend more time with my family (I do take the effort to have dinner at home more often nowadays.. maybe that's still not quite enough?)

18. Don't compare (FAIL)

19. Learn things that I'd wanted to learn - sign language and morse code (HAHAHA) (FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!)

20. Treat my belongings with care (hmm... alright... I guess)

21. Love life (yes, I think I do, to a small extent but still)

Verdict: Slight improvement shown in terms of fulfilling the new year resolutions. :)

And here are my new year resolutions for year 2012!

1. Have more patience

2. Spend more time with my family

3. Be more organized

4. Be less afraid to speak up

5. Have a clear and concrete goal to work towards

6. Do not take people and their act of kindness for granted

7. Save more

8. Sleep earlier

9. Eat more fruits and vegetables and cut back on unhealthy junk food (type A diet)

10. Love more selflessly

11. Do household chores diligently

12. Do not procrastinate

13. Smile with teeth MORE OFTEN

14. BE MORE POSITIVE and stop complaining and whining

15. Be more outspoken

16. Spend more time with the significant people in my life

17. Gain more confidence

18. Kick the bad habits

19. Trust > Distrust

20. Stop sleeping with wet hair

21. Take ownership for the things I do - and be proud of the work I do.

22. Learn to hold on and learn to let go (where appropriate)

22 resolutions for the to-be-twenty-two-year-old-me.

Some of the resolutions are pretty vague. The real meaning behind them remains hidden, only visible to me.

Someone told me before that resolutions matter only if you adhere to them conscientiously.

In other words, I can write over a 100 resolutions but ultimately, words are just words.

It's up to us to give it some meaning and to make things happen and materialize.

Hence, I don't want these to be just words written down for the sake of reassuring myself that I do have goals.

I am already in my early twenties.

Which means that it's time for me to take responsibility for my decisions and the paths that I choose and every change that I am determined to make.

2012.

A year of which, unfortunately, armageddon is being predicted to take place.

I'm treating all these massive amount of depressing information with a pinch of salt.

But let's say, just maybe, what if it turns out to be true?

Personally, this will act as a reminder for me to constantly stop and check what I'm doing, as well as to count my blessings and be thankful for every moment that my heart is kept beating...

Because life is truly unpredictable, any moment can be your last.

Before you start frowning at this seemingly unhappy twist here, the previous sentence really doesn't contain any negative connotation but is written in a perfectly neutral tone - as if stating a fact.

It is a fact. Consequently, all the more it's important to OPEN YOUR EYES and BE GLAD with what we have at this moment.

We gain something, we lose something. It's almost inevitable.

But, what I can do is to tighten my grip on the things that I don't want to lose.

That's my most important new year resolution for year 2012 - to learn to hold on and to learn to let go.

Hold on to the the significant things/people in life, and let go of things that are accompanied with unhappiness and negativity... things that are always lurking around.

(I grouped them together because without one, you can't have the other)

Crying, laughing, I met myself.

Thank you, year 2011.

And now, welcome 2012! :)

To happiness, optimism and lots of smiles and laughter!

Reflections I~*

2011-12-30T18:30:00.000+08:00

Have been updating this space pretty often.

Not entirely sure why, but perhaps, to me, writing is a way of reflection and introspection and I do that often when I'm spending time with myself :)

Anyway, it's already 30th December.
The last Friday of year 2011.
Two more days till the end of this year.

Found some random photos here and there and decided to throw them all together here.
Not that they are the significantly more important events in my life - there are many, many more that are not captured on camera/not uploaded here, but still, they are important to me nonetheless :)

It warmed my heart when I looked through all these photos... And it made me realize several things (which I will update in the next post)

In random order (I'm too lazy to organize them properly)

yummy birthday cake from Cold Stone Creamery - from ks&sis
@tunglok with family

@sentosa with bins

@botanic garden with the lovelies

awesome, awesome roselle tea that's simply unforgettable!!!
@Dozo with Mr Z

HAHAHA.
Another unforgettable gift from Mr Z's super adorable niece! :D

My virgin try at Classic Margarita
(can do w/o the salt rim though haha)
@New Asia bar with Mr Z

Alcohol remains a mystery to me but this one is good :)
Anyway, we somehow ended up at the VIP section
(an honest mistake but I can't say I'm remorseful about it HAH)

beautiful! Doesn't look like Singapore, does it?
@CHIJMES

I find this photo extremely heartwarming... :)
@ROM with family

the cousins! :)
@Goodwood Park Hotel

EL!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

the cute poodle that P loved to death

I loved this puppy! They are xmas presents for our supervisors!!
@CGC

Mushroom crepe! Lunch with the interns! (we sure know how to enjoy haha)
@Marche

wow this is REALLY abrupt
@MBS grand ballroom (Mr Z's D&D)

Super impressive ballroom!
Tagged along cos that's probably the ONLY chance I can set foot
into such a grand ballroom

'GO GO GEISHA' salad
I love, love, love, love, love, LOVE this!!!
@Saladstop

Psych Xmas gathering!!
@Raymond's house

FOOD!! Potluck!

everyone was laughing at this sitting arrangement.
kind of reminds you of AA or some support group, doesn't it? haha!

HAHAHA YT!

Yummy logcake/farewell cake for R&XL...
Really gonna miss R's impersonation of Al and XL's random texts!! :(

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YL?!

PSYCHED!!

HEHEHE :D

THE $$$ coffee machine - tried 2 cups!
@ks and sis' new house!

think I will go there often for coffeee!

Xmas + house warming with the gang!
@ks&sis' new home :)

Eve of Xmas eve with tako!
@town

why is she so tall??? :(

pretty tree! :)

ADORABLE NAKED THINGY!!! (not sure what's tt)
I can't stop laughing when I see it
:D :D :D :D :D

Tada! My fruit salad which most of my family members enjoyed! :D
Looks yummy, no? :)
@home on Xmas night

Lots of fruits, veggies, yoghurt dressing. yums!
母女搭档! :D

HOHOHO!
My baby ~

And lots, lots more...

Things that are stored in my long term memory... for a long, long time :)

When pragmatism comes in the way...~*

2011-12-29T11:40:00.003+08:00

Had a good talk with Mabel.
while doing module planning for the next semester, I realized how horribly pragmatic I am.
Well, that's not to say that pragmatism is not good, it's just that it undermines everything else - interest, passion etc etc.

To put it simply, I have been spending lots of time studying for modules that may not be the ones I'm most interested in.
Reason being?
They are relatively easier to score (that's mainly referring to my electives).

Therefore, due to my fear of failures and bad grades, I often choose the easier way out.
That's cowardice to a very large extent, isn't it?

I really admire people who dare to take risks and study what they really want to study.
It takes a fair amount of courage to be able to 'go do what you truly want to do', even though it may result in a nasty fall and bruised ego.

"You really know what you want to do."

Sounds familiar.

That's what people told me when I told them I'm going to do Psychology in NUS and FASS is the only choice I applied for (the rest being rubbish ranked for the sake of filling up the spaces) and I didn't apply to any other universities.

Where did that courage disappear to?

It may be a decision made on the spur of the moment.
But at that very moment, nothing was clearer than that - I want to do Psychology and nothing else.
So, I told myself that I am ready to face the consequences in future if I do badly in it/ if I can't get a good paying job/if I can't even find a job in future. At least, it's my choice and it's a field where my passion lies.

That's quite unlike me, considering how I'm the kind of person who plans a safe route and prefers stability and predictability over uncertainty and spontaneity.

And when school started, I had taken modules that I'm interested in - without giving a damn to the fact that they might be killer mods (e.g. European studies, Chinese music & literature).

But soon after, something changed within me.
My mindset had changed into the 'safe and cowardly' frame of mind.

However, that doesn't mean I hadn't enjoyed the modules.
In retrospect, I did enjoy the many modules I have taken for the past 5 semesters.
But, it's just that I wish I had taken some other modules that I had eyed for longingly...

This being the 6th semester (a pretty crucial semester) is again making me choose my modules with utmost care...
And I really despise this kind of behaviour.
Which is why, even after writing so much rubbish and talking so much with my friends, I still can't come to a conclusion.
I really should just take what I want to take - atypical development and language instead of lab in memory and cognition... shouldn't I?

ohhh... I don't know...
It's not a case of a typical story whereby the 'good' triumphs the 'bad' (because you are probably guessing that in the end, I'll choose 'atypical development' over lab).
Reality is always more complex than that - perhaps I'm just waiting for cognitive dissonance to kick in.

Beauty And The Beast 3D~*

2011-12-28T23:10:00.001+08:00

March 22nd 2012!

I'm definitely going to catch this!! :D

(One of the very few Walt Disney animated films - the other being The Lion King - that made me cry when I watched it nearly 15 or 16 years ago?)

I want to relive that moment again :)

On a sidenote,

I have been feeling really lethargic lately.

And I believe this is largely attributed to my lack of sleep and heightened level of cortisol due to module planning.

Urgh. So... lab in memory and cognition OR atypical development?? Bahasa Indo OR Geman???

Gosh. Thinking about all these gives me a nasty headache.

Anyway, the interns have self-declared the next few days as new year holidays hahaha. Oops.

ok, back to beauty&thebeast.

why do I like it so much?

Because
1. Technically speaking, it's not exactly a story between 'prince charming' and 'princess'.
2. Belle loves to read
3. The very fact that Belle is able to look beyond Beast's appearance to appreciate and love him for who he is. It's the kind of love that's seldom portrayed in fairy tales. And the kind of love that most of us seek for... and rarely happens.
4. Selfless love being demonstrated repeatedly throughout the story.
5. THE SONGS.
~~6. I acted as 'Belle' before when I was in primary 1. (and... let's not talk about it)~~

Some people may dismiss it as just another fairy tale; another fictional tale which ends with 'happily ever after'.
Maybe it really is.
But nevertheless, personally, it had touched me deeply, though I can't exactly recall the minute details (need to watch it again!).

I can go on and on about how much I love this story but I shan't. :)
I shall just post this very, very classic song which captures the entire essence of the story.

the classic scene. :) :) :)

my social awkwardness~*

2011-12-27T22:09:00.000+08:00

The events during the long weekend created several good opportunities for me to people-watch, observe and practise my ability to make small talk.

I believe many of us have had our share of experiences with 'awkward silence' when there's absolutely nothing to talk about and whatever rubbish we are concocting in our minds to voice out just seem stupid when we imagine ourselves saying them aloud.

You know, the very, very tense moment when everybody stares on the floor/suddenly very engaged with the phones/look everywhere to avoid eye contact.

Well, perhaps that doesn't apply to people who are comfortable with speaking their minds and have witty things to contribute (...eh, not really since some people do end up saying very random and strange things to fill the silence which makes the situation a whole lot more awkward...).

Anyway, I'm certainly not a glib talker so... such awkward situations happen pretty often to me.

And what's worse is that usually nobody else will want to initiate any small talk so I'll be the one to clear my throat and make some ~~horribly superficial~~ comment to ease the atmosphere a little...

So usually I'll end up being the chatty one among a group of people who are more reserved.

Eh...Hello? Me?

I'm supposed to be the reserved one, aren't I?

Maybe that's just because I feel really uncomfortable when the atmosphere is very awkward.

At times, it gets so unbearable that I just want to bolt out of my seat and leave the place before the awkwardness materializes into something that constricts my throat.

Hmm... I'm a little extreme here but yes, so oftentimes, due to all these unbearable circumstances, I will end up being the noisy one who, in my opinion, talks too much and laughs too loudly and become overly agreeable.

But after a few minutes into the conversation, I'll more or less ease into my more 'natural' self.

That's when I'll start speaking more coherently and more intelligently.

Anyhow, the bottom line is that I'm still trying to overcome this social awkwardness and fear of meeting new people...

okay, maybe not 'fear' but something milder - I'm so tempted to use 'shy' but it sounds disgusting on me.

okay, I'm shy.

So you see, people who are more observant will notice that I'm a very 'slinky' person who takes the shape of the container, if you know what I mean.

with people as reserved as/more reserved than me, I will appear talkative.

with the outspoken people, I will appear reserved and quiet.

BUT, with people I'm comfortable with, I will be somewhere in the middle, bordering on 'chatty', depending on the topic and the people.

However, each time I walk into a room of new faces, I may appear calm on the outside, but there are actually swarms and swarms of butterflies fluttering frantically about inside my stomach...

Sometimes, it gets so bad that my heart is actually palpitating in fear.

And all these while, I'm still smiling.

which is why I have a tendency to avoid social gatherings and whatnot...

I have been reflecting on this and trying to trace the root cause of this... uneasiness.

1. I'm afraid of evaluations and judgement.

2. I have no confidence, hence point 1.

3. Biological disposition - high on 'shyness'.

4. I am a solitary creature

5. I don't like to make small talk

6. I'm scared of awkward silences.

7. I'm not good at talking.

Hmm... in the end, the more probable causes are really point 1, 2 and 3, especially point 2.

So, that shall go onto my list of new year resolutions.

oh yes, soon, it's time for reflections again!

There are actually more things I want to talk about but... shall leave them for next time :)

Merry Christmas!~*

2011-12-24T11:38:00.001+08:00

credit

Merry Christmas Eve everybody! :)

It's the time of the year again - of lovely carols, great food, excellent ambience, dazzling lights and ~~rain, rain, rain~~!!

Enjoy the LONG weekend and soak yourselves in the festive mood!
Feliz Navidad! :)

This is a Christmas song from Beauty & the Beast (Enchanted Christmas edition. Have I mentioned that my favourite Disney animation is Beauty & the Beast?? And my all-time favourite character is Belle?? Ok, that's deserving of another entry altogether hehe)
I loved this animated film to bits when I was really young (I had it in VHS, can you believe it???)
Anyway, it's 'As Long As There's Christmas' by Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack.
Holds great meaning for me. Nostalgia much! :)
Enjoy!!

There is more
To this time of year
Than sleigh bells and holly
Mistletoes and snow
Those things will come and go
Come and go

Don't look inside a stocking
Don't look under the tree
The one thing we're looking for
Is something we can't see
Far more precious than silver
And more splendid than gold
Is something to treasure
But is something we can't hold

As long as there's Christmas
I truly believe
That hope is the greatest of the gifts
We'll receive

As we all pray together
It's the time to rejoice
And though we may look different
We are singing with one voice

As Long As there's Christmas
I truly believe
That hope is the greatest of the gifts
We'll receive

This is the original one from the movie :)

Belle:

There is more to this time of year

Than sleigh bells and holly

Mistletoe and snow

Those things come and go

Much deeper than snow

Stronger than the strongest love we'll know

We'll ever know

As long as there's Christmas I truly believe

That hope is the greatest of the gifts we'll recieve

As long as there's Christmas we'll all be just fine

A star shines above us lighting your

Way and mine

Cogsworth:

Just as long as there's Christmas

There will be Christmas pud

Tons of turkey...

Mrs. Potts:

And cranb'ry sauce

And mince pies if we're good

Lumiere:

Loads of logs on the fire

The Ornaments:

Lots of gifts on the tree

All wrapped up in red ribbons...

Chip:

Wonder if there's one for me

Cogsworth:

We are due for a party

Where on earth do we start?

Fi-Fi:

I may wear my tiara

You bought me in Monmartre

Cogsworth:

All the silver will sparkle

Mrs. Potts:

And the china will gleam

Lumiere:

And we'll all be as shiny

As a brand-new centime

Chip:

After dinner we'll play games

Mrs. Potts:

'Till the morning breaks through

Lumiere:

Then we'll meet in the garden

This is what we shall do

Chip:

We will build us a snowman

That will reach up to the sky

Belle:

It will stay up until July

Belle/Chorus:

As long as there's Christmas I truly believe

That hope is the greatest of the gifts we'll recieve

Chorus:

As long as our guiding star shines above

Belle:

As long as there's Christmas we'll all be just fine

Belle/Chorus:

There'll always be Christmas

Belle:

So there always will be a time

When the world is filled with peace and love.

Results~*

2011-12-20T00:38:00.004+08:00

I'm overwhelmed with so much dread and worry that I really feel like throwing up.

I wonder if I can even fall asleep tonight.
We shall see what happens tomorrow (correction: today) then...
What else...?

Updates~*

2011-12-18T22:53:00.000+08:00

Lovely tree @vivo

Are you in the christmas mood already? :)

In my opinion, I think what put me in the christmas mood are really the carols, the weather and the gorgeous christmas lights.

The songs may be the same old carols that get repeated year after year, they are nevertheless indispensable!

Much like the chinese new year songs.

For some reason, it's hard for me to get tired of them :)

[I'm listening to Michael Buble's 'Let It Snow' album now]

1. 112 KATONG

HAHAHA
after many, many, many failed shots

Mr Z and I decided to venture to katong!

It was the first time to katong (YES, I'M A NOOB).

Anyway, it's a relatively small mall and ostensibly, it's a rather atas mall.

Jas: atas mall eh.

Z: how do you know?

Jas: Carpet flooring!

And they are super generous with their air conditioners.

Anyway, I really like the golds and browns and the orangey lighting in the mall.

It gives off a really classy and christmas-sy feel (won't be that relevant once christmas is over).

Oh, and we caught MI there and the theatre is pretty impressive as well!

And we had SOUP SPOON for dinner!

2. SOUP SPOON

I used to have a so-so attitude towards soup spoon (wrong choice of soup in the past, perhaps?).

But that was totally changed once I tasted the roasted pumpkin soup.

Absolutely yummy!! (I'm a BIG BIG fan of pumpkin. And I'm addicted)

[sorry, no pics of the lovely orange soup - deleted a bunch of photos from my cam accidentally baaaah]

Asian Tofu Salad

this is the half-salad that came with the BFF set meal that both of us had.

Really like the asian vinaigrette dressing :)

Don't ask me why but sour foods score for me. cherry tomatoes!!! (I wrote 'cheery tomato' by mistake just now. but the redness does look cheery, doesn't it?)

Anyway, something pretty strange happened AGAIN.

Waiter: Hey! It's you again. I was the one who served you last week, remember? :D

Jas: err...??? No I don't think it's me? O.O

Have I mentioned that this happened once before, which was even more eerie.

Waitress: hey it's you again! I thought you just ordered your food?

Jas: huh? No, I just came. O.O

Waitress No la, cannot be. You were wearing the same shirt and ordered the same thing!

hmm...

Hello, my doppleganger....

3. Xmas celebration @ CGC

And so, the xmas celebration was pretty much a successful one :)

Enjoyed the caroling and magic show (real birds and rabbit!)

Although it was rather chaotic at times (and some of the children had to be restrained) and was quite a short one, it was nevertheless an eye-opener for me.

I never knew what it was like to have a big group of ASD children together... and some behaviours were really the classic autistic ones.

Anyway, I enjoyed doing hand-painting for them.

I even had a request to draw the SMRT logo on his arm hahaha.

and KH, who was helping me draw on the other kids, told the psychologist that "Well, I won't know how well she'll draw..."

HAHAHA it wasn't that bad, right!

P and I were very persistent to get WJ to
wear the reindeer headband.
But in the end we gave in and allowed him to
wear the santa hat instead haha

"NATIONAL DAY!!!"

that was the response of several psychologists when they saw us.

And I totally agree with P about how red shirt/dress is such a good investment - national day, cny, xmas.

It was a pity J couldn't come that day :(

and we didn't take a pic with KH and ST as well!

Anyway, my fellow interns are really a fun-loving and awesome bunch :)

AND THEY ARE SUPER, SUPER SMART. from all the elite schools!

4. SOUTHBRIDGE JAZZ @ 7ATENINE

'7atenine' is such a funky name, isn't it?

anyhow, that's a new place I wanna go!

Have been searching high and low for a good jazz cafe/bar that's good for chilling out, serves good food and most importantly, has GOOD JAZZ/SWING music. :)

After reading through the reviews, I think this is a good choice!

When's the next big occasion?? ;)

[I JUST REALIZED IT HAS ALREADY CLOSED DOWN]

5. SIS' NEW HOME

Swarovski crystal light for her dining room. MAD PRETTY.

Been there once to chill out (and it's chilling cos the air-con is POWERFUL) in front of the 55 inch TV, in a room of black and silver.

My sis and ks will probably be moving in real soon! :)

their apartment is of a really modern and contemporary design that's super stylish.

[sorry, no pic again! but will take some on their house-warming]

The downside is that it's pretty small.

(well, all apartments are down-sized, compared to those in the past, aren't they?)

Anyway, it's still a great place to chill and hang around - especially the window ledge in the master bedroom!!! great place to sit and read next to the floor length window :)

6. *STATIC*

Are we on the same frequency?

I believe that in one's life, there's a limited number of people whom you can call 'close friends'.

Because there's much effort involved in sustaining friendships, and we only have this amount of capacity that we can invest in the people around us - significant others, family and friends.

And of course, there's an important factor to consider - the ability of 2 persons to 'be on the same frequency'.

For me, a minute into a conversation is enough to determine whether we possess the certain 'chemistry' to become friends.

That ability to distinguish friends and acquaintance and strangers is a pretty well-developed one.

However, I failed to realize that regression is a possibility.

That is, the dividing line is not a concrete one...

people can hover around the line - friends can easily become mere acquaintances, who can further regress into the 'strangers' zone.

I want to find a reason to account for this.

But, in some cases, I really cannot find any.

Anyway, to me, close friends are rare gems.

Because there are only so few people with whom I can truly have a heart-to-heart session.

If depth of friendship can be labelled with different labels (3 levels), most just stay at level 1 or 2.

Only a handful can proceed to 3.

Is it because I lock up my rawest thoughts and feelings deep inside me, guarded by layers and layers of security? Perhaps.

If we can't be on the same frequency, you probably cannot empathize with me.

Hence, things we can talk about will always be about the most surface, most emotion-less content.

because, there's no need for you to know more about me, right?

7. RAIN

I love the rain so much. (when I'm indoors)

Rain + Christmas songs + comfy sofa + green tea + good book = love love love love.

8. ANTS
My room is INFESTED WITH ANTS. (and till they really annoy me - like SMRT (tt's another story), I don't kill them...)
I know it's probably psychological but I'm constantly itching all over! urgh.

9. RANDOM SNAPSHOTS

Because I'm still not proficient in writing narratives, I shall let photos (that are not very pretty) to sum up my holidays thus far (and other memorable&random stuff :))

JX's 21st :)

snail saviour!
the girls were freaking out hahaha!

Shimbashi soba!
I'm a sucker for soba (hot more than cold ones)!!!

Mr Z's soba set! look at the yummy sashimi!! :)

Coffee bean breakfast! :)
love their california salad

Sushi express with sis, ks and mr z.
Haven't started eating and we already took so many plates hahaha.

charlie brown cafe with yy! :)

snoopy looks so lonely

what a cute crepe!

charlie brown! :)

my palm reading using the app in amber's phone

Joyce's 21st :)

JLWQ2

bins :)

presents from pig! :)

choc truffles from awfully chocolate for mum! :)
(was also eyeing the kahlua bars hee)
Thank you Z! :)

oohhh. looking yummy!
(haven't tried yet and my mum's already finishing both boxes)

sooo many failed shots!

:) you have 'me' there for you

Loves.

decided to end off this with a pic with mum that I dug from my folder
love.

I've got a million things to worry about (esp my results, which will be out soon...), to feel sad about, to feel frustrated about...

which is why I look to them when I need a breather.

thank you all,

for enabling me to breathe again.

2011-12-17T00:30:00.002+08:00

For all of you who have been such darlings to me,

GOOGLE THIS: (sqrt(cos(x))*cos(200x)+sqrt(abs(x))-0.7)*(4-x*x)^0.01, sqrt(9-x^2), -sqrt(9-x^2) from -4.5 to 4.5

Advanced birthday with Karen!~*

2011-12-14T22:50:00.000+08:00

cheers to many, many, many, many years (advancing towards 2 decades) of friendship!!! <3

Happy birthday joyce!~*

2011-12-13T00:07:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday Joyce! :D
It felt so cosy and warm with the girls, though it's rainy and cold outside :)

Blood type diet~*

2011-12-12T00:03:00.001+08:00

Today, while walking along the walkway to and fro from city hall to esplanade station, I happened to pass by a big poster which displayed all the various foods that people with blood type A should eat.

I've heard about it before - the blood type diet.

So, feeling curious about it, I did a little research on it.

Do check these out: Blood type A, B, O, AB.

Guess what I found out.

My diet should really be a vegetarian diet (except fish).

Which is kind of coincidental since I've been telling Mr Z how I realized recently that my diet is predominantly vegetarian with the addition of fish and chicken (oh, and turkey, cos I love turkey sub).

And I was really delighted to spot 'SALMON', 'cod', 'tofu', 'azuki beans', 'buckwheat', 'SOBA', 'BROCCOLI', 'PUMPKIN' (used to have a bit of obsession with pumpkin in the past), 'CARROT', 'miso', 'GREEN TEA', 'COFFEE' in the list of foods that are most beneficial for me.

On the downside, I need to avoid 'duck', 'frog', 'crab', 'EEL', 'octopus', 'POTATO' (no fries??), 'SWEET POTATO', 'TOMATO', 'MUSHROOM', 'melons', 'mangoes', 'ketchup'... and I'm vulnerable to cancer, heart diseases and diabetes.

Oh well, I don't know how true is this, but apparently, in order to prevent all these potentially life threatening illnesses, I should be good and have vegetables as my staple food.

I seriously won't mind having broccoli, soba, SALMON, soy products (yummy beancurd!!) and green tea as staple foods.

Imagine - salmon fillet every day....! Heavenly!! :D

And I looked through the list for Type O and I realized it's almost the opposite of mine - mainly meat based. (Tako, you're so gonna thrive with this diet!!)

I almost laughed when I saw some of the foods that they are supposed to avoid - Mr Z, how are you gonna live without them??? HAHAHAHA.

So, what about yours? Are you eating the right foods? :)

(note: anyway, right now, my diet is limited by my ability to bite because I just tightened my braces... sighhhh. no good food for me again)

Le petit prince~*

2011-12-08T22:17:00.001+08:00

A million inadequacies.

But thanks to all the encouragement that I received, I'm going to strive to be an 'incremental theorist' instead of an 'entity theorist' --> New year resolution. (i.e., believing in the possibility of improvement, no matter what)

credit

LE PETIT PRINCE/THE LITTLE PRINCE.
This is the book that I really want to get a hold of.

I remember when I was in primary school, I read the first few pages of it because my mum told me it's really deep but good.

And I struggled to understand it because of all the abstract concepts.

But now, I believe I'm in a better position to appreciate this children's book.

(although it's categorized under 'children's book', in my opinion, its underlying complexity far exceeds the level of understanding of children)

On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.
(One sees clearly only with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye)

- 'Le Petit Prince' by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Random knick-knacks:

Rose green tea from Teadot
Lovely fragrance.
BUT the staff added a wee bit of sugar inside.
and it turned me off.

Before:

After:

Gakky.
This picture took me by surprise.
But I later learnt that she wasn't a least bit hesitant
when she chopped off her trademark locks.

I wish I have that kind of courage.

Numbskull and asshole~*

2011-12-06T22:30:00.001+08:00

"Jasmine, don't just nod. You haven't said anything yet."

Internship has made me realize how far behind I really am.
My brain processes information far too slowly.
Much slower than my fellow interns who are really way ahead of me.

And I'm just not a very vocal person.

I think, I ponder, I analyze... but the ideas that materialize in my head will just remain there.
They won't be translated into sounds or words to be spoken.
(and I vocalize much, much more when I feel at ease with the people I'm talking with)

Hence, I believe I give people the impression that I'm slow, passive, nonchalant and dim-witted.

Unfortunately, I believe all the adjectives in that previous sentence do describe me to a certain extent.

And trust me, it doesn't feel good.
Self-esteem issues? Inferiority complex? Maybe.

I'm trying my best to be more vocal.
But whatever thoughts that I have in my brain sound stupid and redundant when they are out of my mouth.
It just further augments the fact that my brain is really quite an empty vessel.

Actually, when I reflect more thoroughly, I realize that I don't really have many intelligent ideas.

I'm really just a very, very transparent being.

And I'm always waiting to be fed with information, except the times when I do effortless research on trivial information that is not particularly useful from google and wikipedia (e.g, 'what is rage comic').

I study for the sake of studying; for the sake of getting decent grades; for the very practical reasons.
It's appalling - how incredibly shallow&passive I really am.

I used to say I have a 'high need for cognition'.
That's just rubbish, isn't it?
Ultimately, my way of thinking is - nothing.

Hardly any opinion, any thought of my own.
nothing radical, nothing extreme, not an advocate of anything.
zilch.

Which is why people say I'm easy-going and have a good temper.

Precisely because I've got nothing to vouch for, nothing to stand for, nothing to argue for.
My mind is filled with 'neutrality' and neutral is just 0.
It's not a + and not even a -.
It's nothingness.

I'm about as active as a rock with no mind of my own.
I do things driven by sheer fear of failure. to escape the lousy feeling of apprehension.
and by extrinsic motivation, nothing more.

Guilty of passivity of the first degree.

Come to think of it, my brain is cluttered and messy and clogged up with 99% redundant bullshit.

A total numb-skull.

~*~*
And I'm stretching myself far more than what I can manage.
When I told Mabel that my December is going to jam-packed with internship and I'm still going ahead to do this voluntary data collection project, she just stared at me.

You know what? I think I'm insane.

~*~*
I don't want to sound as if I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I guess deep down, that's precisely what I'm feeling.

“Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that.”

― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Now I'm not just a numb-skull but an asshole as well.

Depth of night~*

2011-12-04T23:45:00.001+08:00

In the depth of night,

I think to myself.

Random, scattered thoughts that are triggered by random, scattered things.

What is it like to be completely honest with the world?

Without a persona.

Being stripped down to stark nakedness.

Being scrutinized and examined.

Evaluated and shoved aside.

Like a doll.

It's just not a possible thing to do.

People can talk about honesty,

as if it is a delicate and sacred entity, to be worshiped upon and admired.

But bringing us all back down to reality,

how beautiful is the truth?

Which is why we seek to dampen the impact of all things painful that occur around us.

and conceptualize this thing called persona.

amazing,

how our mind works to save ourselves.

and what's more fascinating lies in the very fact that what saves us can kill us when we overdo it.

ultimately, it's all about striking a balance

between honesty and lies.

on a sidenote:

Several chapters into 1Q84 has left me dumbfounded, with goosebumps all over me.

It's that awesome. Pure genius.

And I'm finishing 'Yakuza Moon' and it ripped my heart into pieces. Very, very disturbing and haunting. Especially so when you know that it's a biography...

And I just watched 'Pi' with my sis again. The genius of Darren Aronofsky...

Moon and Sunrise~*

2011-12-02T23:49:00.000+08:00

Can you feel it..?

Do turn on the lyrics/caption option.

things we don't understand, and never try to~*

2011-12-01T10:15:00.001+08:00

Hello, December (one of my favourite months)

I think my biological clock is warped.

my TIM and PER genes are not functioning well;

neither is my suprachiasmatic nucleus communicating efficiently with the pineal gland (not enough melatonin...)

and to top it off, I'm both phase-advanced AND phase-delayed (if that's even possible).

(GOSH. the biopsych stuff are seemingly INGRAINED in my mind)

Anyway,

I'm troubled because

I sleep late and I wake up early.

It won't matter that much if I sleep late and wake up late; or I sleep early and wake up early.

The thing is, I seem to have become an increasingly light sleeper and with the first hint of sunlight, I wake up automatically.

which is not good

because I get sleepy at random times when everybody else are alert and awake.

Like... now.

Oh, and my writing is nastily rusty.

Here are some random photos I took using during the study period:

- David Funder

HAHAHA. learning from it.

- David Funder

I really love this line. It keeps getting stuck in my mind.

we all use defense mechanisms.

and you won't be aware of that, because they are the unconscious workings of the mind.

I do believe that they are absolutely necessary for us to cope with reality.

and while waiting for Mr Z at the Starbucks

Simple pleasures of life - china green tea (grande) and a lovely novel

I was telling Mr Z how this may be just one story out of the many, many untold stories out there.

the heartbreaking ones.

Those who are fortunate enough will emerge victorious and clear-headed after the long battle with the devils.

But there are those who are not so fortunate.

Malfunctioned compasses... strayed off path... standing at the cliff of despair.

I don't believe they are defiant by nature. (okay, maybe some are - antisocial personality disorder)

but I do believe in the great influence of environment - school, family, friends etc etc.

They may have a penchant for trouble-making but I do believe that deep down, there's still that something that's not extinguished yet...

But the cruel fact is, they are being shoved aside and labelled.

then, they are kept out of sight.

It's pretty much equivalent to sweeping problems under the carpet and then thinking that they will get solved on their own.

They say it's because they're different from us and that we won't be able to understand all the 'rubbish' they do.

but have we even tried to understand them in the first place...?

Suddenly, I feel like taking Correctional Psychology.

1Q84~*

2011-11-30T23:14:00.001+08:00

Okay this is blog-worthy.

(my mum managed to borrow 1Q84 from the library - chinese version)

mum: I brought it out to read on my way to work
jas: ?!?!?! it's so heavy! how do you bring it out??? O.O
mum: huh? it's not what. It's quite thin.
jas: ??? *brings out my super thick and heavy copy* mine is THIS thick and the font size is very small already!
mum: *brings out her copy* mine's so thin!
jas: ehh.. this is just part one right? there are 3 parts in all leh.
mum: huh?
jas: *checks her copy* this is... volume THREE....eh have you started reading it already?
mum: yes
jas: don't you find it hard to understand and no link here and there??
mum: no
jas: but you didn't even read part ONE and TWO!!! O.O
mum: ehh... but I don't find anything wrong. *puts book back in bag*
jas: won't you go look for part one and two first before reading three??
mum: no, I think I'll just read book three. Seems pretty ok to me. :)

... my mum's pretty amazing.
either that or murakami haruki is amazing.

Updates~*

2011-11-28T13:55:00.001+08:00

Exams are finally, FINALLY OVER. (And so is my life... soon)

I'm kind of speechless with regards to the papers I've sat for.

Actually, I'm even more speechless about my own stupidity.

Things are so much clearer on hindsight.

But when you're in the situation, you write stupid things that you wonder why you ever thought of writing/forgot to write the crucial things down.

DREAD.

It's the kind of dread that is constantly bubbling below the surface, waiting for the appropriate moment to surface.

And the moment is (of course) when results are released.

So, NO MENTIONING OF ANY EXAM RELATED THINGS OR EXACERBATION WILL OCCUR PREMATURELY.

The funny (what's so funny, actually) thing is that 'DEFENSIVE PESSIMISM' came out for today's paper (refer to my previous post).

okay. maybe not 'funny' but more like 'uncannily coincidental'?

but then again, it doesn't mean anything.

being a defensive pessimist doesn't mean you can score for the question. Sadly.

During the one 2-week plus of anguish, forlorn and despair (shit. when you want to recall concepts, you can't. when you want to forget them, you can't as well.), I'd scripted this entry that I really wanted to write.

But because of my fickle-mindedness, I'm going to put it aside for now. HEH.

It all came back to me.

When I heard the news that the top PSLE scorer came from my alma mater, there was a sudden surge of emotions.

No, it wasn't because of the remarkable achievement of the school (though yes, I'm proud of RPS) but rather, something else entirely.

It reminded me of my own experience with PSLE and how I grappled with the fact that I hadn't lived up to expectations.

My heart had sunk when I saw my result slip.

I could still recall lucidly how this particular sentence struck me the way you feel when someone drove a knife in your gut.

"Ahh... you didn't even get ___".

It had hurt so bad.

After that, I kind of withdrew from the world and into the comfort of my own room, my own world.

I have never been part of the elite all my life.

Recently, when this news about the PSLE result spurred a vibrant discussion on facebook (among my pri school friends whom I've pretty much lost contact with but have kindly added me in), it threw me back to the past.

Although we've all matured and can be assumed to be less judgmental than before, I still felt strangely out of place and worse, inferior.

They are the true elites who have accomplished so much ever since we've parted ways 9 years ago.

Prestigious colleges overseas, scholarships, witty and sophisticated manner of speaking etc etc...

Accomplishing so many wonderful achievements in their lives seems effortless to them.

While the rest of us slog away and work our asses off to get a good pass, they can attain so much more effortlessly.

It made me wonder why.

Although this is really myopic, I can't help but wonder if they have really experienced what it is like to fail.

Or perhaps, their definition of 'failure' departs so much from us.

But then again, who am I to say that they have not been through challenges and have had their share of bad experiences too?

Well, sometimes, I do wonder what is it like to hold conversations with them.

For me, I'm sure I would be struggling to come up with words and stutter and die from embarrassment later on.

It rained.

And I played the piano.

If I can experience Csikszentmihalyi's (no it's not a typo haha) concept of FLOW, that will be when I'm playing my favourite music on the piano.

Picked up 'Yakuza Moon' by Shoko Tendo from the library today.

What took me so long to go and read this???

And soon, I'll be embarking on chapter 2 of 1Q84. :) :) :)

Oh, another case of FLOW.

Finals...~*

2011-11-18T19:10:00.001+08:00

I think I sprained my neck.

Now I'm having difficulty turning to my left.

Urgh.

As finals draw near, I'm feeling increasingly insecure and lost (as usual).

yes, yes, I'm a true blue defensive pessimist.

(during personality lecture, when prof was talking about defensive pessimism,

prof: defensive pessimists tend to do XX,XX,XX...

yt&mabel: JASMINE

prof: ... so do you know anybody who's like this?

yt&mabel: JASMINE.

the descriptions just fit me like a T.)

I just realized it's friday and it marks the beginning of school holidays for the kids.

ahh... the kids... how lucky.

Having been cooped up for so long, I've gradually lost track of time.

and this is going to carry on for the next one week plus.

After taking so many exams, it still irks me very badly to have to force myself to be very disciplined.

My cortisol level must be at an all time high.

Brain, I'm counting on you!

what if I hadn't met you?~*

2011-11-14T00:09:00.001+08:00

Well, I've wasted a lot, a lot of time today.
All thanks to my obsession with the sexy phone as well as my extremely unmotivated state of mind.
So screwed.

anyhow, I'm here, because I have things to say.

do you know how easily things slip through your fingertips?

all of us started off as
strangers.

if our paths hadn't crossed, if our eyes hadn't met, if we hadn't spoken to each other, if we hadn't smiled, if we hadn't...

if we weren't there on XX day XX year at XX time,
our paths wouldn't have crossed,
our eyes wouldn't have met,
we wouldn't have spoken,
we wouldn't have smiled,
nothing would be built up from nothing.

we would glance at each other and simply walked away.

yet, we didn't.
yet, we built something out of nothing.

the very first encounter.
the moment when somehow, somehow, we ended up at that very geographical location...
the beginning of everything.

have we all forgotten?
how easy it is,
not to be at that location, not to have met each other, not to have known each other.

things slip through your fingertips so easily...

It pains the heart to think
"what if we have never met?"
"what if we are strangers still?"

It scares me.

Which is why I want to hold on even tighter.

you, you, you AND YOU.

I cannot think of "what if I hadn't met you" because that very thought makes me want to cry.
You mean too much to me.

Updates (updated) ~*

2011-11-11T23:34:00.000+08:00

I've come here to waste time simply because

I think if I were to do more work right now, I'll go insane.

1. LAST DAY OF YEAR 3 SEM 1

PL3281 Lab in Cognitive Psychology

I hope I don't look too awful here.

The result of staying up late and waking up real early to finish my report.

FINALLY, FINALLY.

This mod made me learn a lot. self-discovery, perhaps?

And learning that every member in the group matters. :)

thank you audrey, YT, WQ and mabel for all the encouragement during the toughest moments (only we know how tough it had been).

without which, I think I might have died somewhere along the journey.

and of course, Dr SL. :)

YT's masterpiece.
we were fooling around in the lab after that. as usual XD

And with the nice sugar puffs and madeleine from delifrance + fruit juice,

it marked the end of our lab module, as well as the last day of year 3 sem 1.

Next week is study week and then FINALS!!!

GOSH...............

It's just amazing how fast time passes.

so fast that I'm struggling to catch up with its pace.

2. BIRTHDAYS

Happy 21st Amber! :)
@ bottle tree village

It's such a beautiful place!

(due to my incredible laziness, I've yet to upload any pics yet.)

Although it's really ulu, it's worth the time spent to get there.

It's just like a little kampong all on its own. love that rustic charm it has. :)

and amber totally blended in with her brown maxi!

And seeing her being surrounded with all her friends and relatives just makes me feel happy for her. :)

I believe that's the one most important reasons for having a birthday party - to have all the people who love you to be there to witness this significant moment of your life.

It's especially heartwarming when it comes to being with your family.

Bins! (where's curry??)

is there a way to keep photos from turning sepia?

perhaps.

SL's 21st birthday! :)

The psych people (with many of them missing!!!) just keep making me laugh. :)

I feel grateful to have them.

It's about the mutual encouragement and support when the going gets tough and tougher.

and of course, the inside jokes! hehehe :D

We can start planning for post-exam events hohoho!

[looking through my post again, I just found this uncanny coincidence - all 3 photos showed only my left profile. well, nono, there's nothing wrong with my right side! (I hope)]

so here you go: from another angle.

classic pose!

3. INSANITY

I was on the bus this morning when a few random thoughts just popped into my mind.

"If I were to not be myself, I would..."

the first thing that came to mind was to:

a) get a tattoo - I'll probably tattoo my signature 'J' on my left shoulder. (ehh. not that it makes much sense. probably a good MH quote then.)

b) a navel piercing - with a ruby/amethyst gem. (this is really ridiculous since I don't have a single piercing.)

c) bleach my hair blonde + get a pixie cut (because I can't pull off this look.)

d) be a busker (I'd flip in front of an audience)

e) drop everything on hand and buy a one-way ticket to Japan. (I'd never be able to just 'drop everything' and leave everyone)

f) drive a lambo (and I don't know how to drive)

g) bungee jump (that's when I've completely lost it)

e) eat up all my notes (ha!)

but because I'm still me, I'm still sane, I'll NEVER do any of the above.

SO, I'm still going to get stuck with struggling to be disciplined and STUDY (not now though hahaha)

it's nevertheless very interesting to think about all these things that you won't do (and perhaps never will).

So, then, I thought to myself.

"If you were me, you would..."

a) have not much of a social life (when 110% of the time is spent on work urgh!)

b) enjoy reading murakami haruki, ishiguro kazuo, banana yoshimoto... (you know, a bookworm?)

c) eat only the most bitter and least sweet chocolates around (ok. not that extreme. but 80-85% cacao is the best!)

d) prefer specs to contacts (that's so rare. and in the mornings, my eyes are really swollen so nothing can fit into my eyes anyway)

e) have an entrenched feud with the public transport system (I lament ALL. THE. TIME.) and therefore enjoy walking whenever I can.

f) think too much.

I can't think of anymore things to write - which pretty much augments the fact that yours truly is a SUPER DUPER ULTRA EXTREMELY VERY BORING person.

don't you wish I would do some of those things listed in pt 3? maybe they're my own secret desires hahaha!

4. RAGE COMICS

have been kind of addicted to reading/looking at rage comics - you know, the 'Y U NO'/ 'Like a Boss/Trollface/Me Gusta/Oh Crap (my favourite of all)/ I Lied etc etc

look here to know more

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HAHAHA!
It's really nonsensical stuff but knowing my sense of humour, I can get extremely amused by all these.

And more so if you can somehow relate to them.

Anyway, it can get really addictive after a while.

I had the feeling

that the profile of someone I passed by now

looked like that of the girl I had known before.

But why was I just staring at her back

as she walked away

without even being able to

call to her?

- 'Crossroad' by Ayumi Hamasaki

and that's an encounter with myself, isn't it?

Untitled ~for her~*

2011-11-08T22:48:00.000+08:00

Because I was feeling nauseated from doing my report, I decided to take a break.

Earlier on this afternoon, I listened to this song.

This song always makes me feel incredibly sad.

I'm not sure if' it's because of the lyrics, or the way it's delivered, or the underlying meaning behind it.

(It was, after all, written for a good friend who had committed suicide)

I suppose it's a combination of everything.

You don't need to have a friend who has passed away to understand the meaning of losing a friend.

Neither do you need to lose a friend to realize the impact she has had on you.

And you don't need to rationally think about it to feel the need to cherish her...

(do read the lyrics if you can)

Though this may be a common expression

You stay alive

Always as you are

In my heart

However many times the seasons may pass

Our days are fadeless

- 'Untitled ~for her~' by Ayu

“Letters are just pieces of paper," I said.

"Burn them, and what stays in your heart will stay;

keep them, and what vanishes will vanish.”

- 'Norwegian Wood' by Murakami Haruki

Happy 21st Amber~*

2011-11-07T10:49:00.000+08:00

the common denominator - the earnest wish for happiness and our love for you. :)

I am lost~*

2011-11-05T00:25:00.004+08:00

I feel like I'm living on borrowed time.

I need to sleep because I've got an early dental appointment tomorrow morning.
But I can't get to sleep.

Things running through my mind...
...things.

Because I knew what I loved. I loved to read; I loved to listen to music; and I love cats.

Those three things.

So, even though I was an only kid, I could be happy because I knew what I loved.

Those three things haven’t changed from my childhood

. I know what I love, still, now.

That’s a confidence.

If you don’t know what you love, you are lost.

-Murakami Haruki

TGIF~*

2011-11-04T19:16:00.004+08:00

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I'm trying my best.

"...but she wasn't really living in our house, she wasn't really alive. She just stayed there in the same space with us, a pleasant presence, like a resident ghost.

She existed like a mirage."

- 'Asleep' by Banana Yoshimoto

Somehow, I managed to survive.

Somehow, I managed to complete my personality assignment, einstein term paper, biopsych presentation on psychopathology, prepared for oral defence, presented our oral defence... (all due this week)

And on top of that, I faithfully went for my internship (though P and I took leave for one session. I had to, for the sake of my oral defence)

Somehow, I'm still here.

But there's still much to be done... the horror of it.

Next week is the last week of school before study break and then it's FINALS.

It really does seem like an formidable task to be able to catch up with all my readings (I'm lagging like mad), start/finish my cognitive lab report (OH MY), sit for my einstein test (... the most complex module I've taken so far) as well as prepare for exams.

It sounds crazy and overwhelming, doesn't it?

I don't know how I can do it but... I've got to do it... somehow.

Was telling my mum how excited I was when I grabbed hold of my copy of '1Q84' by Murakami Haruki.

Mum: ohhh! I went back to read his 'Norwegian Wood'.

Jas: That's my favourite novel! :D

Mum: yeah, I like Japanese authors' works a lot :)

Jas: So do I! :) Recently I've just found another author whom I like a lot!

Mum: Oh! Then have you heard of Banana Yoshimoto?

Jas: !!!!!!!!!! THAT'S THE AUTHOR I WAS REFERRING TO!

Isn't it great to share the same liking as your mum?

Like mother, like daughter.

My phone is dying. I can't make phone calls because it doesn't allow me to hear anything anymore.

And I'll be getting a new phone when my sis gets back from Shanghai next week! :)

What will I be getting?

Hint hint. something really slick and sexy with a beautiful arc. hahaha.

"... I haven't wake up yet..."

"My brain is not functioning..."

"I'm zoning out....."

*YAWN*

and it all happened this morning right before our dreaded oral defence.

Having stayed up late for many consecutive nights to put together a good and convincing argument for our experiment, our group is suffering from a chronic lack of sleep.

As7 has become our favourite hangout spot and we often stay there till night...

finally I can take a short break before I start working on my report (which requires another few more late nights).

ahhh... the sad life of an undergrad..... :(

when I see people enjoying themselves after work/after school, I feel pretty bummed myself.

well, I do understand the importance of work-life balance but it's definitely not easy to attain such a perfect balance, isn't it?

whenever we choose to head in a direction.

sacrifices need to be made.

if you want to head to the left, you can't head to the right at the same time.

(gave me the chills when I wrote that as it reminded me of my einstein mod...)

Why am I such a skillful procrastinator????

BACK. TO. WORK. JASMINE.

your life sucks, admit it.

Those days...~*

2011-11-01T22:58:00.000+08:00

Have been asking around for the title and singer for this song that I happened to hear somewhere.

Watching the video and listening to the lyrics made my heart race...

nostalgia overdose...

the gush of memories.

so overpowering...

because it reminded me so much of those days back then in secondary school,

when life was much simpler, happier and certainly more dazzling...

all the silly rumours, crushes, tears, laughter, lamenting about lousy results, joking about teachers, indulging in endless procrastination, 'serious' discussions about the future, trying to predict where we would be in future...

those dazzling days.

so dazzling that I have to shield my eyes now...

the good, old days.

又回到最初的起点
记忆中你青涩的脸
我们终於来到了这一天

桌垫下的老照片
无数回忆连结
今天男孩要赴女孩最后的约

又回到最初的起点
呆呆地站在镜子前
笨拙系上红色领带的结

将头发梳成大人模样
穿上一身帅气西装
等会儿见你一定比想像美

好想再回到那些年的时光
回到教室座位前后故意讨你温柔的骂
黑板上排列组合你舍得解开吗
谁与谁坐他又爱著她

那些年错过的大雨
那些年错过的爱情
好想拥抱你拥抱错过的勇气

曾经想征服全世界
到最后回首才发现
这世界滴滴点点全部都是你

那些年错过的大雨
那些年错过的爱情
好想告诉你告诉你我没有忘记

那天晚上满天星星
平行时空下的约定
再一次相遇我会紧紧抱著你
紧紧抱著你

Because of you~*

2011-10-30T11:56:00.002+08:00

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After some thorough reflection, some tears (held back for too, too long), hearing/reading words that resonated deeply in me,

I feel less alone now. Less vulnerable. Less weak.

I think I can say 'I am okay' now.

because of you.

Ironic. Disturbing~*

2011-10-29T09:31:00.002+08:00

She waited for the train to pass.

Then she said, "I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells.

Nobody knows what’s at the bottom.

All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while."

- 'Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman' by Murakami Haruki

Perturbed.

Jarring

dream.

an accumulation of experiences and emotions that are laden with bewilderment.

that snowballed, and grew.

questions after questions.

about the people around me; about myself.

questions that have no answers, that need no answer.

it's akin to the first time you found out that sweets can be sour, that bread can be stale, that the cooling air can be painfully chilling, that glass can shatter, that flowers can wither...

that nothing is static. nothing is certain. absolutely nothing.

'there's a deadline to everything'

these words came back to haunt me.

I don't want to live a life with myself perceiving the world as a place devoid of hope and where there's no room for 'trust', and where there's no need for it.

Yet, events have been revealing to me that perhaps, it's not such a good idea to place too much trust and faith in ... things that you thought were worth that level of trust.

at the end of the day,

what do you hope to gain from all these?

do you really get it in the end?

the human heart/mind is such a complex entity.

and the irony of it all - understanding it is my current major.

What a joke.

“Nobody likes being alone that much.

I don't go out of my way to make friends, that's all.

It just leads to disappointment. ”

- 'Norwegian Wood' by Murakami Haruki

you don't know, neither do I ~*

2011-10-29T00:45:00.000+08:00

It's late; it's raining.

Suddenly, I remember a particular quote from Murakami Haruki.
Something about... at the end of the day, we're all just solitary travellers... something along that line.

emotions you never knew you could feel.
that's secondary.
what's primary is
the people whom you never knew could make you feel that way.

it makes your world upside down.

it makes you retreat and back off.

it makes you rethink about people, about friendships, about trust, about...

you're confident and certain. you're full of optimism.
then, at the very next moment, something throws you off guard.

nobody is to blame.
perhaps,
it's just misunderstanding.

I thought... but... is it, really?
to you, are we really...?
do you know...?

Overestimated myself.

I don't know many things anymore.
because uncertainty lies in every corner and turn.

shitty things just never stop happening, do they?

just when it stopped pouring, it started again.
how else can this situation be better explained...?

I don't want to give a damn about the world. I want to curl up and disintegrate.

Aimless~*

2011-10-27T23:20:00.000+08:00

1. My beautiful hardcover copy of 1Q84 lies serenely next to me. My miracle drug.

2. This is a perfect weather to curl up under the blanket and sleep everything away.

3. The videos on pediatric cancer shown during pediatric psychology class today nearly made me tear. When I saw SL cry, I had the overwhelming urge to cry too.

4. I have no clear direction. I'm basically wandering aimlessly.

5. Deadlines are looming near.

6. Einstein term paper is such a joke.

7. I love, love, love rainy days (except soaked shoes and sticky skin and frizzy hair)

8. I'm gradually transforming into a morning person.

9. Can't wait for this semester to END. and for DECEMBER to ARRIVEEEEE.

10. My end-of-year break is going to be so packed with academic related stuff - my imh internship as well as research work for my personality lecturer... all voluntary with no pay.

11. "So, what are you going to do in future?"
It's quite depressing to be unable to answer that question STILL.

12. I didn't come here to sound depressed. I hope I don't sound depressed. Because I'm not. I'm not happy, neither am I sad. (learnt this state of affect while scrutinizing our experiment results - people can be happy and sad at the same time. ditto to unhappy and un-sad. whatever that is)

13. Exhausted. yet, exhaustion can't be an excuse.

14. Loving someone really means baring your heart and soul, risking getting all your insides ripped out, risking getting your heart shredded, risking your everything... it either means understanding the real meaning of 'trust' and beauty of 'confiding' or the ugliest of dishonesty and lies and betrayal.

15. Banana Yoshimoto might be another author whom I like. 'Asleep' by her is so, so...

15. Going to sleep soon.

Many things await, or so I think.

denial~*

2011-10-22T09:12:00.001+08:00

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HAHAHAHAHA

I want to do that too.

to chill (doesn't look very comfy though) and not give a damn about all the clutter on my desk.

okay, I'm going to do that today.

love & naivety~*

2011-10-18T22:53:00.001+08:00

on love and naivety

The truth is, the world is warped and ugly.

but

lovely people do exist.

you just have to find them.

if you can't, you're just not trying hard enough.

you choose to see the good or bad side of people.
if I can be naive and choose to believe that people are good to begin with, then there's no reason to think otherwise, is there?

(I'm blessed to meet so many lovely people in my life. I'm sure you are too. If you don't think that way, then maybe the problem lies with your perception)

Sailor Saturn~*

2011-10-17T23:12:00.003+08:00

Of death and rebirth.

that's my favourite sailormoon character - Sailor Saturn

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I know I cannot be more random that this, but while reading up on psychoanalytic theory,

'death drive' suddenly reminded me of her.

Not quite sure why, but she's the Soldier of Death and Rebirth. of Silence. of Destruction. of loneliness

birth and death.

so intrinsically linked that one can't exist without the other.

1Q84~*

2011-10-16T23:57:00.000+08:00

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WHERE. IS. MY. 1Q84.

October 25th.

I'll take you word for it, Mr Z ;)

Somehow, somehow, I survived the previous week of insanity.

Well, you know what it means? It just means that there will be many more weeks to come.

EDIT: I JUST SAW THIS ON KINOKUNIYA'S WEBSITE:

"1Q84 is released in Singapore on 25th October 2011, with all three books in one volume"

!!!!! say goodbye to my withdrawal symptoms (from MH's books)!!! :D
and spot on, Mr Z! :)

It's "poised to take the West by storm".

Seems like it's really set to cause a stir!

perhaps in me only hahahaha.

anyway, suddenly, I'm in an elevated mood.

I should really be sleeping now though... my circadian rhythm, please do your job thank you!

Shitty cube~*

2011-10-12T00:12:00.003+08:00

Itchy fingers. (itching to write some bs here)
Taking a break from my term paper + presentation preparation + module scripting for my internship.

Today, as I was crossing the road, I was overwhelmed by an abrupt bout of immense sense of helplessness.
It was so intense, I'd wanted to kneel on the ground and curl up to wait for the inevitable tears to come.

It had hit me hard.
It's that kind of CRASH that knocks the wind out of you.

At that very moment, the only thought that was in my mind was

"What exactly are you doing with your life?"

I want to be elsewhere, doing something I want to do, spending time with people I want to spend time with, being who I want to be at the moment.
I don't want to focus on nothing but schoolwork and internship.
I don't want my days to pass like this and me working the shit out of myself with no end point in sight.

Life is already so short yet I'm just freaking contained in this super small cube I call 'world'.
this cube! can you imagine?
you can see actually the boundary of my world!!

damn, damn, damn.

I'm so full of angst, I want to haul everything out of the window now.

from a nightmare in daytime~*

2011-10-09T21:17:00.002+08:00

"Everyone becomes who they are in a stark landscape of undiluted solitude and bad weather.

It's possible to go through life without becoming who you are, but it is better, in the long run, to come upon yourself in an insanely ordered forest where nothing has been left to chance.

She wishes every twenty-one-year-old girl a Black Forest of her own."

- 'Alligator' by Lisa Moore

trying, being.
as always.

have you ever experienced the sort of fear that grips you and doesn't let go...?

for me, it's the thought of losing significant people.
the fear of waking up one morning and finding the significant people gone from your life for good.
the fear of reaching out for that someone and realizing that the human warmth has dissipated, leaving a cold, hard absence.
the fear of finding yourself searching for something that was right there, and then suddenly absent, despite knowing that you won't be able to find it...

there are things and people I cannot imagine without; whom I cannot live without; whom I love fiercely and would protect no matter what...

but yet, does 'forever' really exist...?

that fear.
that absence.

no, I don't want that.

Updates~*

2011-10-08T09:16:00.000+08:00

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1.

busy as a worker bee.
I do wish things will get a little better in Oct, though I'm not getting my hopes up.
Juggling many, many tasks all at once.
on the bright side, it clutters my brain so much so that there's simply no space for all the unneeded thoughts to seep through.

1.5.

if you liken Life to a Game (like snakes&ladders),
then you must acknowledge that not everybody starts on Square 1.
some fortunate ones get a good head-start at square 10. some of us will be at square 1 and the rest of us might not have a chance to throw the dice.

so, where are you at right now?

be grateful that you have the chance to throw the dice.

2.
the toughest moment of the entire day used to be the time lapse between getting into bed and trying to fall asleep.
because that's the time when all the reflective and self-banishing thoughts come into consciousness.
but now, all that occupies my mind is just that one sentence

"okay, so what am I going to do tomorrow?"

3.
I really didn't slow down.
But now that my tests are over (FINALLY), I can at least swim to the surface to breathe.

4.
at times, I feel like I'm leading many, many different lives as different roles.
as a student, as an intern, as a person.
(HA. I usually don't equate student to person)

5.
Enough of all the mundane stuff about my more-boring-than-boring life.

Had a long talk with my sis regarding the recent wedding photoshoot that she had in taiwan and about the upcoming plans about her wedding preparation.

It enlightened me so much.
I hadn't known that there are SOOOOO many Chinese customs to adhere to for a traditional Chinese wedding!!
Anyway, she's eyeing me to be one of her 'Sisters'.
And of course, the only incentive of agreeing to it will be the FAT (HOPEFULLY) ANG BAO HEHEHE.

Oh, and I'm probably going to be the emcee for my sis' wedding.
HMMMMMM.
I'm having second thoughts but she's just so persistent.
Do I have a choice? Seriously.

anyway, I'm so excited for my sis' wedding that I've set up a countdown timer for it.
less than a year to goooooo!

6.
What do people wear in the 80's????
That's the theme for Mr Z's D&D at MBS (!!!!! EYES BRIGHTEN UP IMMEDIATELY. the reason why I agreed to tag along hehehe. and probably the ONLY chance I'll ever get to step inside there).

But then again, I need something decent to wear.
And browsing through all the pictures on 80's fashion makes me want to...........

7. (this number for a reason, though I doubt you'll ever see this)
after making cross-references here and there, I'm able to infer a little something.
and it's something to be happy about.

Happiness comes to those who know how to cherish the source of happiness.

and I'm sure you'll be one of them.

I wish you and the one you love happiness,
from the bottom of my heart :)

8.
Oldies are good :)

9.

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if they know how to bond, how to feel affection for one another,

then how well are humans faring in comparison to them?

Myopic~*

2011-10-02T19:16:00.000+08:00

okay. WL looks creepy here.

Much better.

My favourite-st cousins. :)
Both of them are really great guys and (both are single) so girls, if ...
HAHAHAHAHA.

Right.

I'll get killed if they ever see this but they probably won't.

Anyway, I'm just trying to procrastinate again.

I wrote a pretty long post inspired from a long, deep talk with Mr Z last night regarding life.

But it got so depressing that I deleted the whole thing.

And moreover,

Talk without Action = Load of bull-crap.

Since I'm not doing anything to make the world a better place to live in etc etc, I have no right to say much about it too...

We can only sympathize, feel heartbroken by the disturbing living conditions...

I'm guilty of being self-absorbed in my own world, my own tasks, my life.

Perhaps, I'm not capable enough to handle things beyond those that lay before my eyes.

Hopefully, one day, after I straighten things up, I can set out to do something I've always wanted to do - something really meaningful.

Then, I'll be able to Talk AND Act.

Now, it's me and my book.

How awfully myopic I am.

Things I panic over always seem so trivial when you think about it retrospectively...

But then, I still want to go and worry about them.

It's only when I stopped that I realized I've been moving too fast...~*

2011-09-29T20:56:00.001+08:00

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I don't think I breathed.

It's only when I let out my breath that I realize I've been holding it all the while.

Exhausted is an understatement.

Tests after tests,

rushing from CGC to school and back home to study for tests,

sleeping late and waking up SUPER early (before 6am) to finish studying the immense amount of content...

Cramming during train rides...

and random stuff here and there...

I really don't think I stopped to breathe.

and what's worse,

the tests were horrendous.

my memory traces are so weak.

so freaking weak.

This has been a crazy week. (technically, it's not over yet since there's still tomorrow before weekends come)

Lab presentation tomorrow, personality test next week, loads of e-learning stuff for my einstein mod, pediatric psych term paper (not started) due soon, lab data collection starting...

and on top of them all, my internship.

Don't you think I'm just accelerating my ageing process??

and I'm just trying to test my limit of sanity.

I told Mabel I can't wait to meet my "anti-matter" in the parallel universe...........

Can I really go on like this?

on a side note, I've come to realize that I frown very very often these days. It's only when I look up from what I'm doing (during lecture, at my desk etc) that I realize I've been frowning all the while.

I want to plug in and listening to all the lounge/easy-listening/chill-out music that's flooding my playlist.

I want to shut myself from the insanely long to-do list.

I want to escape.

I want to admit defeat.

I want to cry.

But I'm so, so, thoroughly numbed.

So vacant that there's nothing, absolutely nothing left to say or do.

And perhaps, somewhere inside, I just want to stubbornly continue doing what I'm doing, even if it's killing me slowly.

jasmine, what are you trying to do to yourself?

I don't know what I'm doing.

If you have the answer, let me know.

It's only when I stopped that I realized I've been moving too fast..

so, so dead~*

2011-09-25T01:09:00.000+08:00

I need to take a breather.

The massive amount of information that I need to get into my poor brain is really overwhelming. (My poor poor cerebral cortex...)

It feels like finals when it's just mid-terms. And for having multiple tests crammed together is just like, you know, adding mercury to a spoonful of arsenic to ingest/ strangling me when I'm already stabbed in the guts.

Sheer insanity.

I don't know if I can survive the next 6 days. Talk about surviving the remaining months of the semester!

I'm going to sleep already. My brain needs to rest.

Ultimate test~*

2011-09-21T09:14:00.002+08:00

Just a quick one because I don't have the luxury of time anymore.

And so, I accepted the internship at CGC (IMH). From now on, time is going to be a very, very precious commodity for me.

It's akin to an ultimate test of time management for me. Because I can't seem to find spaces in between that permits me to stop and breathe for a moment. (My schedule is ...)
I can't say that this is a very beneficial for me because I don't know if I'll be able to handle the MASSIVE workload on both sides ~~(and screw up my studies)~~, but all I can say is that I'll just have to try my best.

I'll need to find that balance between work, school and life. I'm a little doubtful of my own capabilities but nevertheless, I guess it's worth a shot?

It's going to be one hell of a semester for me and I seriously cannot wait for December to come so that I can at least have one less thing to worry about.

Most importantly, with my loved ones supporting and encouraging me, I'll be more convinced that I can do it. :) Well..., I have no idea what lies ahead and to be honest, there's always this lingering worry and dread swimming inside me. But nevertheless, I can't really turn back now so I can only take a step forward.

Fingers crossed and hope for the best!

2011-09-19T00:31:00.000+08:00

He’s not perfect.

You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect.

But if he can make you laugh at least once,
causes you to think twice,
and if he admits to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto him and give him the most you can.

He isn’t going to quote poetry,
he’s not thinking about you every moment,
but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.

Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give.

Don’t analyze.
Smile when he makes you happy,
yell when he makes you mad,
and miss him when he’s not there.

Love hard when there is love to be had.

Because perfect guys don’t exist,

but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.

- Bob Marley

from the sidelines~*

2011-09-18T16:43:00.005+08:00

Dad: Today is my 61st birthday! What do you plan to treat us... MBS? :)

61.
Things like that are very easily forgotten.

so when you remember it, you feel the constriction in your throat...
you want to fully cherish the time you have together. the time, however limited.
we've wasted enough time.
there are things that you've done and things that I've done.
but still.

~*~*~*~*

the family has been bathing in rather sour-y atmosphere lately.
and much of this is due to my sis' house's renovation progress.

there are times when my sis is just tactless and fires hurtful remarks without realizing it.
I understand why she said certain things but I also know why my parents are saying/doing certain things that made her react this way.

I'm on neutral ground.
But sometimes, as I watch from afar, I feel sad.

"It's all for your own good"

but when you can't see it from this angle, you just can't.

headstrong people.
they fixate stubbornly at their very narrow visual field (metaphorically) and refuse to accept any another information that can broaden their perspectives.

and hence, they collide, rub each other in the wrong way and sparks fly.

people on the sidelines always see things much clearly.

but... people on the sidelines are also powerless.
at least, for the current situation.

things to worry about are just piling up.

Kaze To Oka No Ballad

2011-09-16T20:47:00.000+08:00

Nodame Cantabile.

There's always something tugging at me whenever I watch it, whenever I listen to the songs.

something tugging. at the corners of my mouth. upwards.

A lovely song which, on top of everything else, made me want to cry without a reason.

Right...~*

2011-09-16T19:29:00.000+08:00

Time for some morale-boosting + affirmative prep talk!

credit

Woots! In other words, if you fail, try, try and try and try and try again!

Right... Seriously, who am I kidding???

My brain is exploding.

There comes a time when you just cannot think in the right frame of mind.

Normally, you can make spectacular maneuvers around problems, causes and effects and SEE the LIGHT.

But not when you're half-dead and the cognitive load is simply too much to handle...

WELL, then again, complaining is just a waste of time. (But I do need an outlet for the accumulated amount of stress and frustration)

Since the only way to complete the things you ought to complete is to go and DEFY INERTIA AND DO THEM, then I suppose I'm going to work my ass off the entire night.

Jas, if you can't find A to backup our claims, then look to B, C, D, E... and then AA, BB, CC....

It's not the time to back out of this 'worthwhile endeavour'. It's time to make it WORTHWHILE.

chilled~*

2011-09-11T22:47:00.001+08:00

I'm frozen.

The chill is still circulating all around inside me. Literally.

It's making my body temperature all warped. It's making me feel sick.

I feel sick.

I feel sick, not just because of the chill, but because of the mess that's lying in front of my eyes.

I'm trying, but I can't do this alone.

I want to cry in frustration but... what's the point?

I feel like dropping my hands and allowing my head to hit the keyboard.

like, with a BIG BIG BANG.

~~Can't you guys just...~~

Edit:

I can't sleep.

I think I worry incessantly and excessively.
because if the whole world tells you to chill and nobody seems the least bit worried, then I suppose I'm the oddball who worries too much.

that must be it.

so there's no reason to feel so flustered.

I don't like it when people put negative connotations to the word 'studious' and 'hardworking'.
somehow, it seems to suggest that the person has 'no-life' and very 'frigid' and 'uptight' like a wound up spring.

MUGGER.

but if we think of it from a different perspective - what's WRONG with working on what you're SUPPOSED to do?

I don't know, I really don't.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do from now and I just want to sleep my days away. I just want to have that 'heck-care' attitude and wait for things to happen on their own. I just want to sit back and watch. I don't want to risk my health and mental stability. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to care anymore.

Edit again:

I lost it.

tonight's going to be a very long and depressing night...

I'm going to have swollen eyes tomorrow.

Edit again:

Patience is a virtue.

I will keep an open mind and an open heart. I will try my best to understand and empathize.

I am going to place my trust in you guys again.

Fragile. Be careful.

Updates~*

2011-09-10T00:32:00.003+08:00

credit

It's just adorable beyond any form of verbal expression, isn't it?

and it has got nothing to do with what I'm going to write. It's just too adorable. :)

1. My LUCKY slippers

What unlucky event can happen at 6.50am in the morning?

That ungodly hour... even before my brain starts functioning, even before my eyes are fully opened, even before the sky's completely lit up.

What CAN happen?

The strap of my Charles and Keith slippers broke while I was walking to the train station.

And so, I walked bare-foot (on one foot) all the way to the station, on the pavement, across the icky grass, across the tar road, right into Cheers and bought myself a new pair of slippers.

(please don't remind me what I could have POSSIBLY stepped on. Anyway, on a side note, I'm suddenly very grateful for having a feet size that hovers around the mean - the first pair of slippers that I plucked off the rack fits me like a T)

I'm eternally thankful for the existence of 24-hour convenience stores that sell slippers.

Anyway, in case you are wondering why didn't I head back home and change a new pair of footwear, the answer is simple - I would be late and ... the distance I need to walk to get home versus the distance I need to walk to get to the station... you can do the math.

I can't remember when was the last time I did something so embarrassing as to walk barefoot.

(maybe I'm immune to strange gazes ever since my pseudo-compulsion with dental hygiene (brushing teeth in public toilets))

I kept my face completely straight and nonchalant.

It's quite funny if you visualize this scene - this girl walking half bare-foot, carrying her file on her left hand and A SLIPPER on the right, her face devoid of any expression.

Anyway, I've developed this whole new way of ignoring raised eyebrows - that is, not to look at anybody.
You can, to some extent, actually pretend that nobody's looking at you (aka self-denial).

So, I believe this pair of black slippers will be my new lucky charm.

SAVIOUR, indeed.

2. SCHOOL FOOD

I've run out of things to eat in school.
Every week, the group of us (can I call ourselves 'fellow psychos'? hahaha) will dump our bags on the chairs and start sighing and lamenting about how there's "nothing to eat".

Which is true, in a way.
Because I'm getting tired of eating the same old things over and over again.
And I completely lack motivation to venture to other canteens because I simply detest elbowing my way through throngs of students at lunchtime (be it in fass or elsewhere). It's just... nauseating.

Okay, I'm just lazy.

But, oh well. There are more things to worry about than lunch menu.

3. RISK-TAKER....?

I've just had my most harrowing experience with an interviewer.
It's not so much like an interview. It's more like a 'grilling' session.

I felt completely, utterly defeated by questions after questions.
It's like a conversation, in which the other party says nothing but 'Why?'

So it really makes you feel dizzy - going down, down, down into your answers.

And I don't think I did a very good job in defending my answers and might have sounded uncertain about some answers.

So, I've decided that:

- The probability of me getting the internship is near zero.
- It has been a good exposure to what internship interviews are like (maybe limited only to the psychology field?)
- I'm not a very good speaker.

Another issue bugging me is that... I'm not even sure if I'm ready to commit to this programme in the first place.
It seems as if I submitted my application & unofficial academic transcript on impulse.
Yeah, that must be it. (My prefrontal cortex wasn't working too well. Bio psych overdose.)

After chatting with several fellow psych majors at the waiting area (all familiar faces in lectures and tutorials :)), I realized that all of us had the same worry - internship-academic balance.
It's a tough juggle, I suppose.

But why am I jumping to conclusions???
I might not get it in the first place. So we'll just see.

To muster the courage to sign up and go for the interview can be considered a HUGE leap out of the 'comfort zone' (way overused term) for me.
In no other parallel universe would you have imagined me actually being proactive in WANTING something and actually ACTING on that WANT.

And I've figured out that

I would rather regret performing badly at an interview because I took a proactive step than to regret not having taken that step in the first place.

That's probably what spurred me to send that fateful email in the first place.

So... WE SHALL SEE.

4. DISCOURAGED. NOT?

Well, the only comfort probably came when he told us that his honours student took a whole semester to come up with a good research question.

Hmm... if that's any form of comfort at all.

But... I'm glad I have my groupmates... and of course, he has been really encouraging towards us too.

Let's make it work this time round, shall we?

rebound, girls, rebound!!!

5. Things that are left unsaid

some things don't need to be verbalized.
because sometimes, words are just crude representations of ... things that cannot be verbalized outright.

Emotions are not superfluous.
they are tied in so closely with cognition, with our thoughts.

so much so that one cannot be present without the other. It's just not possible.

one cannot be present without the other. It's just not possible.
one cannot be present without the other. It's just not possible.

you cannot let emotions override your logic.
but at the same time, don't deny yourself of the beauty of experiencing emotions head-on.

It can be the most amazing experience ever.

And of course, positive emotions should all the more be experienced as a whole... without any form of reduction.

to have given me the chance to feel that positivity, to have been able to pull that out from beneath the compressed layers of... who-knows-what from the depths of my heart, you're just incredible.
for all these times, thank you... :)

I am so...~*

2011-09-04T16:13:00.000+08:00

At Herbivore with the girlfriends.
Happy birthday in advance, dear yy! :)

~*~*~*~*

I have no adjective to describe my current mental state.

I'm drained, overwhelmed and just very, very tired.

MENTAL INERTIA of a high degree.

Talking to the girlfriends made me realize that deep down, for our own array of diverse reasons,

we're all tired (to a certain degree).

I am of no exception too.

And what's more intriguing is that perhaps, there's some common reason for this tiredness which resides in us.

Something related to the unforeseeable and unpredictable.

The reason that makes us discipline ourselves harshly and force ourselves to corners...

That BIG 'F' word. (6 letters, please, not 4)

It's just so frustrating. So frustrating. SO FRUSTRATING.

My mind is drained and empty like a dried-up lake. I can't think anymore, and I can't read anymore research papers.

I'm on the verge of admitting defeat very soon.

S.O.S

Discouraged... no?~*

2011-09-02T20:33:00.002+08:00

For a moment, I want to believe.

that I'm strong enough.

But the fact is, I'm bummed and it feels as if my innards are all collapsing together.

I'm supposed to anticipate it but the truth is, I wasn't geared up enough.

So there goes the long hours of work put in.

Discard everything that I had and start on a new page.

From scratch.

From nothingness.

All over again.

But,

I shouldn't be so discouraged.

I shouldn't admit defeat (to my very narrow approach to such a broad domain) so easily... right?

on a piece of blank paper, the only way to start is to pen something down.

at least for this time round, we are in the appropriate frame of mind.

let's try and try again.

[I noticed I'm writing more frequently for the past few days. I guess... I really need an outlet...

Monologues. That's what I'm writing. Don't I have people other than myself to talk to...?]

maybe this bum-ness doesn't just stem from this hiccup but from something pulsating through me?

perfection?~*

2011-09-01T23:23:00.004+08:00

It might not make much sense, but this strange thought was perpetually lurking in my mind today - on my way to school, in school, after school, during dinner, during shower etc.

If everybody strives to be perfect (define 'perfection' yourself), and circumstances are such that everybody CAN be perfect (genetically altered, all sorts of aesthetic surgeries etc etc), then perhaps one day,

imperfection will be the new perfection.

BENI~*

2011-08-31T23:15:00.000+08:00

My new eye-candy who's not just an 'eye-candy'.

Beni Arashiro aka BENI

photo credit

yes, she can sing very well.

When I first listened to her, her voice had such a significant impact on me that it resulted in a 'sugar-rush' which gradually turned into the tingling, warm and fuzzy sensation that I have whenever I chance upon something I really like.

In fact, I might start to like R&B.

A few songs are never enough to justify how well she can sing. Go youtube her! :)

FIVE II~*

2011-08-30T10:36:00.000+08:00

they removed the videos so yup. here's the commercial :)

on a side note:
I'm seriously tired of people who leave things hanging and expect me to somehow 'read their minds'. I'm a psychology major, not a psychic. That (intentional or unintentional) behaviour makes me doubt their sense of responsibility. Well, maybe it's not exactly 'responsibility' but nevertheless, you can see how much they value a friendship from these little things they do. I'm probably in no position to chide you but well, you should introspect and think about what you're willing or not willing to do for a friend. If it's so torturous for you to be a little less passive, then there'll be no next time because I'm not going to do the same thing twice and expect a different outcome. because there hasn't been any different outcome for all these times...

GOSH. can you tell how displeased I am?????

Killing myself softly~*

2011-08-29T19:11:00.000+08:00

In case anyone managed to read my post prior to its deletion (or rather, I saved it under my drafts and chose not to publish it), I decided to let it rest in my pile of drafts that are, and probably will still remain, unpublished.

I give myself unnecessary problems.

I corner myself to the edge.

I am unforgiving and impatient with myself.

Enough is enough.

the omni-presence of something ominous...

I detest it.

Five~*

2011-08-28T23:56:00.002+08:00

All 5 PVs of her latest mini album 'Five' are released.
And guess what (no surprises here), they are all very unique and original.
You see, Ayu never stops producing songs and videos of very high standards and I can say likewise for this album too.
But the thing is, I have my own preference too.
So I shall post my top 3, out of the 5. :)

3. BRILLIANTE.
you'll love this if you love Goth or Egyptian or a bunch of MUSCLE-MEN.
Personally, I think the song is haunting. And of course, the ending of the pv.

BRILLANTE from Jester_Mizuno on Vimeo.

2. Progress
Nice song (for a new game), interesting video, but it gets a little boring after a while.
But nevertheless, the effect is pretty cool.

progress from Jester_Mizuno on Vimeo.

1. Why... feat Juno
Why feature him??? I don't know. But there are 2 collaborations with him in this album.
I've not nothing against him but I'd love to hear her sing this alone too.
Anyway, beautiful PV and this is probably my favourite song from this album. :)

Why...feat. JUNO from Jester_Mizuno on Vimeo.

I'm so not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be buried in my bio psych text.

shit.

Squawk, squawk~*

2011-08-27T15:12:00.000+08:00

Regret was an indulgence that she wouldn't allow.

- 'The Lost Hours' by Karen White

I'm as voiceless as a rabbit.
Well, I can probably still manage an occasional squeak (more like squawk).
This is terrible.

To think that yesterday I was still happily chatting with the psych peeps.
Then, as the day went on, it turned into a struggle to speak in my normal voice range with tako at night after star-gazing session (my Einstein module...).
Soon, I was in the baritone range (I used to be a soprano ONE. how come nobody ever believes me???)
And this morning, I was coughing my lungs out and choking on my own phlegm (disgusting, I know).
Then, I was squawk-talking to my sis and dad.

tsk, tsk.

Jas, seriously.

(on a side note, firefox is so unkind to blogger. things I type turn out warped. anyway, I've been using google chrome to blog so this first attempt to try and use firefox instead has deterred me from using firefox to access blogger again.)

Gravity~*

2011-08-24T11:13:00.002+08:00

This music video gave me goosebumps.
One of the most beautiful (and amazingly ingenious) videos I've watched.
Let's see if you understand what is it trying to portray ;)

and of course, the song itself is amazing. :) (1st song in my current playlist)

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here till the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

Keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me
and all over...

Something always brings me back to you
it never takes too long

TRJ~*

2011-08-22T10:14:00.000+08:00

it is hard to know our real selves.
because it is hidden under so many layers that we've created for ourselves.

8.30am thoughts~*

2011-08-20T08:30:00.000+08:00

credits

"Sometimes the best trips are only as far as the circumference of your heart."

- 'The Lost Hours' by Karen White

I'm up and fully awake at this... ungodly hour (for a person who could have slept the morning away).

Thank you, Insomnia, you've truly made my day.

Since I've no motivation to do my readings (!!!) and I've got nothing better to do, I've decided to waste some time writing random knick-knacks and what-nots that might be devoid of coherence and logic (ahh, my forte).

Pardon me.

1. The very first picture here is from 'Up' movie.

I remember watching it with tako and it had left me a deep impression in me.

To be able to spend the rest of your life growing old with your loved one... that's probably one of the greatest gift we can ever be blessed with.

but, the thought of losing this very same person just induce such excruciating pain within oneself. It's equivalent to losing a limb, an organ, a part of yourself.

don't you see how intricately linked are happiness and sadness?

which is why having happiness nestled in my heart can be intimidating for me.

because once I have it, I'm afraid to lose it.

2. I realized I haven't really talked about school since the new semester began.

To summarize, I'm trying to find breathing spaces in my schedule.

and the motivation that I always seem to lack at the start of the semester (all the way till finals, it seems).

that aside, lecturers are generally good, especially my cognitive lab lecturer - he's marvellous! (I'm going to become increasingly inclined to cognitive psychology... which is one of the most unimaginable things that can happen to me)

and of course, the fellow psych buddies who make school much more tolerable/enjoyable. :)

3. Took a risk.

It's still too early to say anything yet, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Thanks to my friends who encouraged me to go for it.

If not, I probably wouldn't have the courage to step into an unfamiliar area that is well, very challenging for me.

4. I'm watching Vampire Knight, which is pretty good.

I don't know why animes just don't seem to arouse that much interest in me anymore.

maybe that's another marker of aging??

5. Facebook and Twitter are becoming increasingly... ~~phony~~ superficial, in my opinion.

Hmm...you can have different opinions from me but what I'm trying to say is that you can probably find the most untrue stuff about a person from these 2 channels.

You can find perfect manifestations of portrayals of oneself in the best possible light - trying to make oneself socially desirable/physically desirable etc (Note: 'social desirability' is a psychological term while the latter is not).

I'm not generalizing it to everybody, but if you scrutinize hard enough, you'll know what I mean.

On the contrary, there are people who are really honest about themselves.

Sometimes, even too honest for comfort.

6. Let me share a bit of epiphany I had while blog-surfing aimlessly.

It dawned on me that as we grow older, we tend to seek solace in solitude more and more often.

Or in other words, we can do better when we're alone.

It's unlike the adolescent years (when I wrote that, I wanted to cry out, 'I'm still an adolescent!!!') when people hang around in groups and solitude seems like something too heavy and difficult to appreciate.

but now, it's no longer the case. At least for most of us.

there's nothing wrong with shopping alone, watching movies alone, dining alone, sitting for classes alone.

Rather, we get to spend quality 'me-time' with ourselves.

that, to me, is very important.

because spending time with oneself can be the most comfortable experience.

7. We're all struggling to draw a blue-print of our future, which seems non-existent, for that matter.

Do I have the courage?

The courage to say that

"the map may be blank,

there may be something;

there may be nothing.

but I'm still willing to walk on,

however difficult it may be."

Can I do that?~*

2011-08-17T23:51:00.000+08:00

I think we all have wounds to heal, tears to mend, lessons to learn from, as well as past mistakes to forgive.

one who has never had any of the above have probably... either drifted through life blindly or are really, really, really blessed and protected.

utterly damaged, dismantled, annihilated and ripped into pieces.
after which the recovery process begins.

I won't say that I've been through the worst but all I can say is that I've had my share of wounds, scars and blemishes.
as well as the experience of dragging an invisible ball&chain.

which is why I'm flawed.

and as a flawed being, I make even more mistakes.

before long, my footprints become distorted and ugly.

I look at them and I grimace.

But am I still walking? Yes, I am.

the most insurmountable task is to recollect

to look at every phase of life
and you smile.
even if you can't smile, you don't cry.
if you can't not cry, you remember to wipe away your tears.

and you forgive.
you forgive others and most importantly, yourself.
by doing so, you set yourself free from the ball and chain.

and you accept.
you accept your imperfections and the fact that some things cannot be changed,
and some things are not within grasp.
you've tried, you've failed and that's fine.
you accept reality.

and then you love.
you love people who love you
and most importantly,
love yourself a little more.

Jas, can you do that?

The Solitude of Prime Numbers~*

2011-08-17T23:23:00.000+08:00

I had recited the following out loud.

"Prime numbers are divisible only by 1 and by themselves.

They hold their place in the infinite series of natural numbers, squashed, like all numbers, between two others, but one step further than the rest.

They are suspicious, solitary numbers... they too would have preferred to be like all the others, just ordinary numbers,

but for some reason they couldn't do it...

...twin primes: pair of prime numbers that are close to each other, almost neighbours, but between them there is always an even number that prevents them from truly touching.

Numbers like 11 and 13, like 17 and 19, 41 and 43.

If you have the patience to go on counting, you discover that these pairs gradually become rarer.

You encounter increasingly isolated primes, lost in that silent, measured space made only of ciphers, and you develop a distressing presentiment that the pairs encountered up until that point were accidental,

that solitude is the true destiny.

Then, just when you're about to surrender, when you no longer have the desire to go on counting,

you come across another pair of twins, clutching each other tightly."

- 'The Solitude of Prime Numbers' by Paolo Giordano

It hurts.

The knowledge that you'll probably never reach the other presumably solitary prime number.

that you'll probably never truly meet

that same being.

I've just finished the book and it left a dull ache in my heart.

To love, to not love, to advance, to withdraw, to reach, to turn away.

so many moves.

but still, they can never touch.

Something~*

2011-08-15T00:40:00.000+08:00

we are not sane all the time. that's why we're alive.

In this world which is ruled by logic, sensibility and sanity,
I seek comfort in occasional insanity and escapades beyond the realm of reason.

Not everything should be judged, criticized and understood.

For at the end of the day, what matters most is having loved, having been loved, having been true to oneself, having enjoyed the journey, having lived.

Long gone are the days of which I am easily satisfied with naive fulfillments, that I must admit.

I'm still pursuing. I'm still after that... something. That something which will feed every single cell within me with contentment.

And you know what?

That something might be the very thing I used to possess, way, way back then.

The wallflower blooms...not~*

2011-08-14T16:11:00.001+08:00

I had come to sit in front of the laptop with good intentions - to write a proper entry complete with photos and updates of my life, as well as to work on my 'student facilitation' due this coming friday.

But, as usual, having mastered the art of procrastination and coming up with endless excuses to put myself at ease for wasting precious time, I've decided to write down some thoughts that have been bugging me for quite some time.

which are, of course, fragmented.

On my becoming of a wallflower
~~(I almost wrote 'wallpaper')~~

correction.

I've been one all along.

Like I wrote in my reply to Karen's comment, I'm awed by people who can be comfortable being the center of attention.
I for one, simply cannot.

Camouflaging into the background, seeking shelter from curious stares and averting eye contact are part of my repertoire of behaviours that are... well-mastered.
But oftentimes, there is a need to muster some courage to part the curtain of hair that covers my eyes and look into people's eyes.
and to appear confident.

It's like taking a deep breath and then assuming an entirely different role.
It's as if your real self has suddenly been replaced by somebody else.

Even so, it's difficult.

And to be honest, it's frustrating.

this world is definitely one that is dominated by extroverts, whether you like it or not.

Extroverts:

People who possess qualities that I lack.

\People who wave to me from the opposite end of the continuum of personality traits.

And that's a very sad realization, isn't it?
Because here, before me, a fact that's much to my disadvantage is screaming into my face.

"Jas, you're a loser."

I'm going to be stepped all over wherever I go.

Mr Z told me some sample interview questions that he was asked during his recent job interview.

"Would you rather be a leader or a follower?"

Oh, great.
I know what my answer would be.
But is that the answer they want?
If I were to provide the answer that's already in my mouth, threatening to spill out, I'd be extremely confident that I would be given a patronizing smile and then ushered out of the door hastily.

[on a side note, Mr Z got his 'dream' job and he's really one lucky/blessed/capable ____. onto greener pastures, that's for sure, waving at me from the other end of the continuum...]

Look at this world, then.

Is there any place where people like myself belong? (Other than in our own worlds)
Places where we can have an edge above the rest?
To be honest, I have no idea.

Even if I can name a few places where I might thrive, they're nothing like the glamourous&marvellous&swanky places that extroverts can reside effortlessly and happily.

So... if that's the case, it seems as if I'm only left with a few options:

Continue searching for something comfortable for myself
Practise on skills that make me appear confident aka pretense skills
Assume a totally different persona - work towards finding myself on the same end as Mr Z
Maintain status quo and learn to be contented instead

Personally, I'm inclined to option 1 and maybe 2.
option 3 is out because I'm sure I'll reach the other end in another lifetime. and as for option 4, status quo doesn't seem like a very good thing for me.

Which means, Jas, it's either you do it the right way (the way that doesn't mistreat yourself), or you do it the warped but practical way.

Sigh.

Why all the trouble?

It all started on that fateful day when a certain email jumped at me from the massive humdrummy emails.
It made me grin, smile, frown, sigh, smile, sigh, smile, sigh.
Ever since then, it never left my mind.

Hmm.
Well, whatever it is, when I finally make a decision, I'll reveal what's all these about.

The funny thing about me is that, I can be very indecisive, and I can be very decisive.
It all depends.
If only I can alternate between extremes when it comes to personality traits. (but my lecturer says it's not very likely)

So, will the wallflower bloom in the harsher conditions? or will it simply wither and die?
We'll see.

Tomorrow, I'll join hands with you~*

2011-08-14T10:46:00.000+08:00

'明日、キミと手をつなぐよ' by ももちひろこ

the full version of the song is the 4th song in my playlist. enjoy :)

inquiry~*

2011-08-13T09:27:00.002+08:00

you know, if I could use a term to describe myself, one of the best is really
'Wallflower'.

taken from http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=wallflower

wallflower	577 up, 117 down
	Usually refer to people who are shy and fade in the background , that none really knows or pays any attention to

now that I'm taking personality psychology, it really gets me thinking about myself and the people around me.
Why are we the way we are?
It's exciting to know that there are people out there trying their very best to figure out the answers to questions to which... well, I hadn't known definite answers exist.

It's like finding that universal law which unifies all of us.

If only we can ever, ever figure it out.
then it will mark the beginning of an extraordinary era - the era of nothing-is-fascinating-to-us-anymore-yawns.

pep talk~*

2011-08-10T23:28:00.000+08:00

Do you remember that familiar feeling that's a mixture of nervousness + unease + excitement (over...????) + worry + dread + exhaustion (you know, when you realize you can't sleep in) that you'll have when it suddenly dawns on you that tomorrow's the first day of the new semester?

I'm experiencing a full blown version of it.

When I say there are butterflies in my stomach, I really mean there are probably at least tens of thousands of them flapping their wings rapidly in - not just my stomach - but apparently every single vessel and vein. (I don't care how unscientific my previous statement was. I mean, who cares???)

The funny thing is, as of tomorrow, I'm officially a Year 3 student.

YEAR THREE.

and yet I'm still rambling on and on about my worry and dread for the new semester, which is totally uncalled for.

Well, I'm not a person who can adjust well to changes and so this shift from lazing around to having my schedule packed to the brim with school related stuff makes me uncomfortable. to the max.

Oh, come on, Jas, it's time to pull yourself together and get in the right frame of mind to welcome the new academic year.

Afterall, this is your 5th semester for goodness' sake.

Focus, Jas, focus!!

things I shouldn't say~*

2011-08-08T23:09:00.001+08:00

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something stirred within me.

I wish you weren't... who you are at the moment.

but who am I to say who you ought to be or ought not to be?

It's just that when flashes of the past come to me, they make my heart sink.

Because you weren't like this.

Or perhaps, I've never known you completely.

Or if I put it the other way, I don't know who you really are now.

some people change for the better while others, they just...

(I don't want to complete the sentence)

But I believe everything happen for a reason...

the way you seem to become everything you weren't...

the way you seem to become a person who's careless with hearts and feelings.

Suddenly, I feel like laughing.

because who am I to say all these?

Yes, to live and let live.

I'm being very vague here but if you know what I'm talking about, you'll know I'm talking about you. (whether or not you'll ever read this)

Nothing, absolutely nothing~*

2011-08-07T22:55:00.000+08:00

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Close my eyesThe sunrise comes too soon

- 'Sunrise Comes Too Soon' by Late Night Alumni

I thought I was recovering but I wasn't.

I thought I was getting better but I wasn't.

Anyhow, I just want to get well soon. At least, before school starts.

There's the constant rumbling of the thunder.

somewhere out there.

It's a little peculiar since I never knew that thunder could rumble so softly and so recurrently.

I was lying in bed this morning, trying to register several things at once.

Very, very disorientated for some unknown reason.

And I listened.

the faraway thunder sounded like repeated gunshots and firing of canons.

and I looked out of the window.

Veiled by a sheet of rain.

How lovely was the weather today.

It sort of calmed me down and soothed me.

Made me forget momentarily that I'm ill.

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I just watched this film with my mum.

I've always felt so lucky to have a mother who shares similar interests with me - artistic, surrealistic, incomprehensible films.

and indeed, I was left pondering and pondering.

It felt like watching a dream play out right before me.
Somebody else's dream.

and it tasted like Tiramisu soaked in excessive Kahlúa.
and it had such a strange aftertaste.

but nevertheless, I enjoyed it.
a common theme ran through the film (beside the fact that it is a continuation of 'In the Mood for Love'). Somehow, all the characters in the film had such sad eyes.

It's as if all of them have experienced a lot and were weighed down by so much.
They hardly ever smiled.
Because in their lives, it's as if there's really nothing to be happy about.

Which reminds me of the meaning of being an adult.
What is it, really?

3.
"I was telling my friends that I have a sister who's 5 years younger than me, yet her thinking is 5 years older than mine"

I paused to think about it. and then I just smiled.

because it is true to a certain extent.

I won't say that I look young, but I don't think people who don't really know me would think that way about me when they first see me.

It's only until they talk to me in depth or happen to chance upon this space will they realize this ~~sad~~ fact about me.

Well, what am I supposed to do about it?

I often say I feel like a thirty-year-old trapped in the body of a twenty-one-year-old.
but that only applies to certain things.

In many other areas, I'm still immature.

If this is how incredibly old my thinking is, then what will happen when I step out of school and enter the 'real world'?

4. Plain Jane

I'm a pretty strange person, I must say.
Because I seem to hold many identities together.

Personally, I feel that I have 'no character'.
there is, in fact, nothing significant about me. nothing worth noticing. nothing that stands out from others. nothing worth remembering.
absolutely nothing.

I'm probably one of the plainest 'plain jane's around.

and I float aimlessly, I get pushed around easily, I practically have no mind of my own.
I sit around and wait for things to happen to me.
I don't really have a temper, I don't really speak up. I'm indecisive at times and I don't know what I want.
I hesitate and I don't understand and I don't ask.

To summarize, I am about as good as being invisible.
I don't think I make an impact in people's lives and I certainly don't think I will become someone important in future.

My meaning of existence is...

I feel like a feather resting on the sand.
no indentation, no change to the sand. nothing.

nothing, nothing, nothing.

this realization is pretty... depressing?

5. I feel even more sick now.

Breezy~*

2011-08-05T23:32:00.001+08:00

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if I could, that's what I would do.

but the guitar would be replaced with a piano.

get dissolved into the music, vapourize into the air, float with the breeze.

how lovely.

random stuff:

1. I'm finally feeling better. Flu gets to me in the morning, headache and lethargy comes at night.

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I have 2 bunnies accompanying me for 4 days :)

3. I'm glad my hair is at least 2 inches shorter and 10x more tame and less frizzy now. (no more seaweed monster)

4. I received my very first Polaroid photo! Thanks to siew ghim! :)

5. Fell in love with Stacey Kent (she collaborated with Kazuo Ishiguro). Don't you think Jazz singers have such amazing voices? So smooth, silky, smoky and soothing all at once.

6. Picked up a couple more books a few days back and they all managed to capture my attention instantaneously. All are vying for my attention. Will talk more about them soon.

7. School is starting so soon!!!

8. I'm so looking forward to watching Ayu's concert in 3D in GV cinema!!!! :D although I know 3D movies could probably kill me, I'm so determined to enjoy myself completely in the theatre. :)

Alrighty. Time to sleep! I need to recuperate fast!

Goodnight, world.

Succumbed~*

2011-08-03T16:36:00.000+08:00

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I'm officially... K.O-ed.

after days and days of flu and sneezing and using up dozens and dozens of tissue, I finally succumbed to the influenza virus.

Mr Fever and Ms Headache have sought me out.

Darn.

And my voice sounds funny and faraway and as if I've been crying all the while.

Listening to Late Night Alumni (very sexy and sensual),

playing the piano (Yiruma),

watching random stuff on TV,

reading my 'What Are You Like?' by Anne Enright (very, very captivating and interesting albeit deep and confusing at times)

and drinking lots and lots and lots of water.

Crossing my fingers and hoping to get well sooooon.

I don't want the few remaining days of holidays to go down the drain... urgh.

True to myself~*

2011-08-01T23:33:00.001+08:00

the law of nature dictates

that when you make a decision, there must be a trade-off.

if you want this, you can't have that.
when you gain something, you lose something.
if you're here, you can't be there.

when you waste time mulling over something, you waste time smiling about something else.

I've wasted too much time trying to change my inner demons into angels.
to the point that the battle is escalating into something else.

changes can be good; they can be bad.
you can change, but the fundamentals of you must be there.
if you lose that,

then you're merely changing into somebody you're not.

a new stranger emerges.

you need to stay true to yourself, no matter what happens.

you need to preserve the very... identity of who you are.
that's something we cannot and should not lose...

what am I doing?
what should I be doing?

I should be learning to come to terms with... things.

Just seconds ago, I admitted that I'm a master of pretense.

You're not being true to yourself.

oh, yes. where do I begin?